Ponderings on love.

Glancing at some pictures on facebook sparked a train of thought that I've embarked on a few times before. I'm never sure of the conclusion to that train of thought yet, I'm still stuck on the journey..... but I'm not sure of that either.

The basic questions is as follows-- does loving more openly mean you will be more loved? (or more importantly, vice versa.)

I'm not exactly the most open person. I feel things very deeply, but I tend to keep those feelings in a very deep place. It's hard for me to show people that I care, and how much I care. You see, that involves opening yourself up and letting people see you. That's a scary thing. Of course my family and closest friends know that I love them, but I'm not the most extroverted or demonstrative when it comes to showing them my love.

Now contrast me with someone who is more extroverted and demonstrative, and check out the reactions people give. Isn't it easier to love someone who is very open and outgoing with their love? Do you have a friend or family member who will openly tell you they love you, give you hugs all the time; who tells you what they love about you and what they love to do with you/want to do with you? Is it easy to respond in kind with that person and to love them back? Now. Do you have a friend or family member who is very subtle and quiet about their feelings? You know they love you, but they mostly keep it inside. Or at least they're not very passionate in how they show their love, but are more serious. It seems to me that it's easier to love the person who loves openly.

I don't even know how to describe where my thoughts go at this point.
--What if two people love and want the same thing. Could be anything. A stuffed doll, a trip to the beach, a date with a friend ,hugs, whatever. Both want the same thing, but one is more open and the other is quiet. Assume with me that others know that both people want the same thing. Would it be easier and more enjoyable for the giver to give to the one who professes their desire and joy more than the other?
--Does loving openly cause you to be easier to love, and be more loved? This one is hard to explain my thought process. What if you look at two different relationships. An openly affectionate girl and her significant other vs. a quiet, closed girl and her significant other. Will the openness of the one cause her s.o. to care more for her and grow with her more than the s.o. of the quiet girl? That's not a good example, but that's all I could come up with quickly.

I guess what this all boils down to are some old questions on love I have. Will those friends and relatives of mine who are more open be more loved than I, the one who is quiet about my affections? I feel like that's the case quite often. Or that though my affection is known, it can tend to go unacknowledged simply because I do not voice it and invoke a response. Will my love and affection appear to be less (and therefore the response of others to it) than the love and affection of a more open person?

Sometimes I think that it all boils down to fear in some sense. Fear of being known. I once started a post based on "to love is to be vulnerable." I never actually published it. Perhaps one of my biggest fears is that if I allow someone to get close to me, it involves me opening up to them, not just them opening up to me. Once the process starts on one end, it needs to be matched on the other end. But that doesn't make much sense in some ways. Take family and friends for example. I love them, I want them to love me. Shouldn't it follow, then, that I would not be scared to go ahead and love them openly? Somehow, it doesn't. I know in many other ways, I'm afraid to let people care for me, because I don't want to let them know me. But it's fine if I care for them..... which in the long run probably means I'll get hurt because I won't let them know me, and so they won't ever be able to really love me like I want them to.

(This is turning out to be far more emo than I had intended. And for those of you who read this now and then, these are general musings. They are based off of many past, present, and future scenarios and thoughts. The impetus for writing this did not come from a guy. I am not writing because of disappointments or hopes from a guy. Just for clarification.)

Once upon a Time...

Have you ever stopped to think how sad that phrase can actually be?

Once upon a time....

That phrase recalls something that once was, but is no more. Usually what once was, was a happy thing, but the once upon a time denotes that the time is past. It can actually hurt to think about those 'once upon a times'. They may have been happy times at the moment, but sometimes the sheer fact that they are no more makes the memory of them painful. Or, perhaps, the way they ended or the reason for their ending is where the pain stems from.

Everyone has 'once upon a times.' Happy ones, sad ones, funny ones, serious ones, and just whatever ones. But those times are fixed in place, and somehow, sometime, you move past them. I have 'once upon a times' that I am so glad are over with and in the past. But they still once were, and so I can never fully leave them behind. Those 'once upon a times' still haunt me now and then. I also have 'once upon a times' that are memories I treasure. Good days from my childhood, simple things that bring a smile to my face. There's a touch of sadness that the days are gone, but they ultimately bring a bit of light into my day. Maybe the worst 'once upon a times' are those times that you thought were great. Times you treasured, and hoped to remember your whole life. A time when everything seemed to be working out, things fit together, and you were happy. Perhaps even a time that you thought wouldn't end. But what keeps those memories from being happy 'once upon a times' is the reason for their ending. Something bad happened, something good was taken away, things fell apart, or somehow you were hurt. Those are the painful 'once upon a times'.