A time of divesting and refocusing.

I haven't been here for a while.... I may.... no guarantees, but just may blog more over the next two weeks. I have deactivated my facebook and intend to remain without out it for these next two weeks. Depending on how this goes, I may do similar things now and then, or after i get back on I may turn right around and deactivate it for another several weeks. I won't get rid of it permanently. It's such a good tool to stay connected with a wide range of people, and let's face it, I like to stalk! I like to find out what's going on in everybody's lives. But right now, I have too much to deal with and am in the process of removing a lot of things and trying to fix my focus on where it needs to be. Yes I'm going to be pretty vague (and by that I mean very), but I do want to write about things a bit. Plus I'm going to miss updating facebook whenever something happens or I just feel like sharing something. Not that it matters so much here, since pretty much nobody actually reads this.... but who knows, if I make a habit of deactivating facebook for a while, I can let people know about my blog and maybe more people will read it. That would be nice. I'll just have to be careful not to treat it too much like my journal... can't get too personal, ya know. ~_^ I was thinking the other day.... journaling is such a strange concept. I don't know about most people and how they approach it, but to me it feels like I'm talking to myself. I mean, I'm talking, I'm opening up and spilling what's on my heart and mind, but to whom? The book is inanimate, so it's kinda weird to address the book. But it's not like a letter to another person, because generally they aren't for anyone else's eyes. (at least I know mine isn't.) So yeah, I feel like it's just another way for me to talk with myself, and that way is sanctioned by the general populace. See, I'm one of those people who talks to themself all the time. Like literally, out loud, pretty much everywhere. I'll be talking as I walk around and catch myself just as people are passing within earshot, restrain the flow until they've past, then continue with a so anyways.... It's kindof a bad habit I fear. I can't help but think that journaling enhances that though. It's just talking to myself about what's going on and reliving conversations and situations on paper instead of out loud.

But anyway, I kindof digressed, and now I have to shower and go see a concert, so I'll have to get back to my main point in a later post.

puzzle pieces and realizations.

I used to enjoy puzzles when I was younger. Loved going through all the pieces and figuring out where they went in order to recreate the pretty picture. In real life, however, things are different. You don't always know what the picture is supposed to be, and all the pieces don't necessarily come in the box. You have to look for them, but you don't always know where or even what you're looking for.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It's strange how things change when you find yourself on the opposite end of things. Say you're in a situation, but you don't know what to do or what to think, then suddenly you find yourself on the opposite end of a similar situation and you realize things you couldn't from the other end. Yeah, that's me right now.

Winter Term

So I'm back at school and into the last week of Winter Term. Feels so weird! I'm definitely not ready for the semester to start yet. There's so much I was hoping to accomplish over winter term, but have not been able to do so. Of course, I haven't exactly been managing my time very well. I've been practicing a good amount, though not as much as I had intended to. I have been spending more time with people and getting to know some of my classmates better, so that's good. Thing is, haha, I still have not completely unpacked from break..... *shhh* I'll get to that eventually. Need to make a clean start to the semester. Also need to get myself back into a decent sleeping schedule. Well, I guess that unless I get scheduled for work early in the morning, I could actually sleep to a later hour during the semester on Tue, Thu, and Fri. But all the same, it's not good for me to stay up as late as I do all the time. But I love the night time! I love sleep too, but I can do that anytime. kinda. But I love the quiet at night and being able to hang out and be goofy. Hm. Choices. Anyway, time to get back to stuff. I waste too much time online. Going to actually hang out with the girls I live with. It's sad how little I see them, even though I live with them.

Should be studying...

Ugghh. Two finals tomorrow. It's already after 11 PM. I've been gone from my duplex since 10:30 this morning, and I've been in the music building since 2. (made a quick trip across the street to acquire food and brought it back with me.) I sat in a practice room for literally 3 hours. Not practicing, I don't need to do that. But I was using the piano to work on learning the leadline for the first movement of Beethoven's first symphony. Yeah, that's right, I have to sing the leadline to the first movement while conducting and cuing an invisible orchestra in front of my professor for my final tomorrow. So yeah, I was in the practice room working on that and marking up my score, but kept getting distracted and played the piano instead. Now I'm blogging instead of focusing on my studying. This is so frustrating. I studied my German (for my other final tomorrow) a little bit while I was at work, but not terrible much. I also studied it a little bit before I locked myself away in the practice room. But I keep ending up on the piano, or online *ahem* or writing completely unrelated stuff. But I still have some final details to add to my score analysis and need to study for German. Sad thing is, I just don't care at all right now. Rather burnt out. But I have determined to stay here until 1 (AM), then maybe study a bit more before going to bed. Then rise and shine early in the morning to refresh the German before taking the final. Blah. I also need to pack..... but I have a final on Thursday I'll need to prepare for after my two tomorrow. But I'm flying home right after my Thursday final. Too much to doooo!!!!

Ok, now that I've wasted some time on that, have to revise stuff with my score and add to it for a while (whilst waiting for midnight to arrive so that I can be the first to wish a friend happy birthday), then focus on German for an hour. Then a walk in the extreme cold back to my duplex, more studying for a little while, bed, early rise to study more, then the two finals. Whoop! Or not.....

Life can be such a pain.

Why is it that the one thing you really need to do is the one thing you want most not to do? Why is it that the more you realize the need to do that thing the more you try desperately to avoid it? It seems that for every small step towards it is matched by another step away, and I'm just not really getting anywhere. Uncertain, hesitant, increasingly frustrated and frayed. Moody and tired of wearing a mask, but the mask is my safety, I can't give it up.