Default Mode

So sometimes I really struggle with talking about things. Especially my fears and things that bother me. It's like if I can only cover them up, push them away, and bury them deep down, hidden away somewhere, then no one will need to know and I can pretend they don't exist. That was my default for a long time. When things frustrated me, bothered me, or hurt me, or when fears rose up to haunt me, I buried all those things away. Now and then I'd pull them out in secret to look at them before hiding them again. I didn't show those things to anyone else. I've never wanted others to know about the things I fear, that I struggle with, and that upset me. But. If I keep it all to myself and never let another see them, I won't be able to work past most of the issues. They will just simmer under the surface, never diminishing, and possibly festering and growing until they explode. I know that some of the things that I fear and that bother me cannot be worked out and dealt with by myself alone. They do not concern only me, and so they will take another person to work through them. I thought I had gotten to the point and place that I could be open about such things and talk about them. I have recently come to realize that I had only just barely dipped under the surface, and there is so much more buried so much deeper down. Just one look at all of it, one reminder that it's there, one event to trigger the myriad of thoughts, memories, and emotions, and I close up and retreat. Then I find myself buried away with them, locked up in a box, trying desperately to find a way out without revealing where I am and what is with me. Or trying desperately to find a way of showing someone what is there without opening the box and having everything explode out. I was so hoping I wouldn't have to deal with some of this stuff again. That situations now would reduce the significance of the issues I'd buried away, and make them irrelevant. That I would come to discover that my fears were unfounded, and could let them go. But the fact is, though fears can definitely be unfounded, they still exist and they still haunt. Though some issues may turn out to be irrelevant, they still happened and they still had/have an effect.

So in short, one little trigger has sent me back to my default. I don't want to be here, but I'm trapped here nonetheless. And this time, I don't want to sneak out the usual way and bury things deeper and further away. This time, I want to pull everything out with me and deal with it all. But I just don't know if I can do that.