Thursday, October 21, 2010
Books are dangerous.
Don't get me wrong, reading is amazing. But books are dangerous. The world of a book is so enchanting, so addictive. Once you start to spend time with it, it starts to get a hold on you and slowly drag you in. The world of the book calls to you, luring you in slowly until you never want to leave. The world of the book becomes your reality, and it becomes torture to leave that world for any length of time for things in your old, superficial and pathetic existence. You yearn for the world in the book and cannot wait to escape back into it. When you've turned the last page and shut the cover, it's as if you've closed an ominous door, condemning you to return to your own, unsatisfying world. But though you've left the world inside the book, a piece of yourself still remains in it forever. For a time, it feels almost impossible to you that you could ever tear yourself away from the all-to-real experience of that book and step into the world of another, but your longing for new worlds eventually gets the better of you. The one amazing thing about our normal, mortal existence is that we are able to leave our own reality and experience so many other worlds. One caution is that with every new (or old) world you visit, you leave a tiny piece of yourself there. You can never completely leave any of those worlds, and though you may have forgotten some of them, tiny pieces of yourself forever remain in the worlds of all the books you have read. So you see, books are dangerous, but in such a seductively beautiful way that you cannot resist them.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Ponderings on love.
Glancing at some pictures on facebook sparked a train of thought that I've embarked on a few times before. I'm never sure of the conclusion to that train of thought yet, I'm still stuck on the journey..... but I'm not sure of that either.
The basic questions is as follows-- does loving more openly mean you will be more loved? (or more importantly, vice versa.)
I'm not exactly the most open person. I feel things very deeply, but I tend to keep those feelings in a very deep place. It's hard for me to show people that I care, and how much I care. You see, that involves opening yourself up and letting people see you. That's a scary thing. Of course my family and closest friends know that I love them, but I'm not the most extroverted or demonstrative when it comes to showing them my love.
Now contrast me with someone who is more extroverted and demonstrative, and check out the reactions people give. Isn't it easier to love someone who is very open and outgoing with their love? Do you have a friend or family member who will openly tell you they love you, give you hugs all the time; who tells you what they love about you and what they love to do with you/want to do with you? Is it easy to respond in kind with that person and to love them back? Now. Do you have a friend or family member who is very subtle and quiet about their feelings? You know they love you, but they mostly keep it inside. Or at least they're not very passionate in how they show their love, but are more serious. It seems to me that it's easier to love the person who loves openly.
I don't even know how to describe where my thoughts go at this point.
--What if two people love and want the same thing. Could be anything. A stuffed doll, a trip to the beach, a date with a friend ,hugs, whatever. Both want the same thing, but one is more open and the other is quiet. Assume with me that others know that both people want the same thing. Would it be easier and more enjoyable for the giver to give to the one who professes their desire and joy more than the other?
--Does loving openly cause you to be easier to love, and be more loved? This one is hard to explain my thought process. What if you look at two different relationships. An openly affectionate girl and her significant other vs. a quiet, closed girl and her significant other. Will the openness of the one cause her s.o. to care more for her and grow with her more than the s.o. of the quiet girl? That's not a good example, but that's all I could come up with quickly.
I guess what this all boils down to are some old questions on love I have. Will those friends and relatives of mine who are more open be more loved than I, the one who is quiet about my affections? I feel like that's the case quite often. Or that though my affection is known, it can tend to go unacknowledged simply because I do not voice it and invoke a response. Will my love and affection appear to be less (and therefore the response of others to it) than the love and affection of a more open person?
Sometimes I think that it all boils down to fear in some sense. Fear of being known. I once started a post based on "to love is to be vulnerable." I never actually published it. Perhaps one of my biggest fears is that if I allow someone to get close to me, it involves me opening up to them, not just them opening up to me. Once the process starts on one end, it needs to be matched on the other end. But that doesn't make much sense in some ways. Take family and friends for example. I love them, I want them to love me. Shouldn't it follow, then, that I would not be scared to go ahead and love them openly? Somehow, it doesn't. I know in many other ways, I'm afraid to let people care for me, because I don't want to let them know me. But it's fine if I care for them..... which in the long run probably means I'll get hurt because I won't let them know me, and so they won't ever be able to really love me like I want them to.
(This is turning out to be far more emo than I had intended. And for those of you who read this now and then, these are general musings. They are based off of many past, present, and future scenarios and thoughts. The impetus for writing this did not come from a guy. I am not writing because of disappointments or hopes from a guy. Just for clarification.)
The basic questions is as follows-- does loving more openly mean you will be more loved? (or more importantly, vice versa.)
I'm not exactly the most open person. I feel things very deeply, but I tend to keep those feelings in a very deep place. It's hard for me to show people that I care, and how much I care. You see, that involves opening yourself up and letting people see you. That's a scary thing. Of course my family and closest friends know that I love them, but I'm not the most extroverted or demonstrative when it comes to showing them my love.
Now contrast me with someone who is more extroverted and demonstrative, and check out the reactions people give. Isn't it easier to love someone who is very open and outgoing with their love? Do you have a friend or family member who will openly tell you they love you, give you hugs all the time; who tells you what they love about you and what they love to do with you/want to do with you? Is it easy to respond in kind with that person and to love them back? Now. Do you have a friend or family member who is very subtle and quiet about their feelings? You know they love you, but they mostly keep it inside. Or at least they're not very passionate in how they show their love, but are more serious. It seems to me that it's easier to love the person who loves openly.
I don't even know how to describe where my thoughts go at this point.
--What if two people love and want the same thing. Could be anything. A stuffed doll, a trip to the beach, a date with a friend ,hugs, whatever. Both want the same thing, but one is more open and the other is quiet. Assume with me that others know that both people want the same thing. Would it be easier and more enjoyable for the giver to give to the one who professes their desire and joy more than the other?
--Does loving openly cause you to be easier to love, and be more loved? This one is hard to explain my thought process. What if you look at two different relationships. An openly affectionate girl and her significant other vs. a quiet, closed girl and her significant other. Will the openness of the one cause her s.o. to care more for her and grow with her more than the s.o. of the quiet girl? That's not a good example, but that's all I could come up with quickly.
I guess what this all boils down to are some old questions on love I have. Will those friends and relatives of mine who are more open be more loved than I, the one who is quiet about my affections? I feel like that's the case quite often. Or that though my affection is known, it can tend to go unacknowledged simply because I do not voice it and invoke a response. Will my love and affection appear to be less (and therefore the response of others to it) than the love and affection of a more open person?
Sometimes I think that it all boils down to fear in some sense. Fear of being known. I once started a post based on "to love is to be vulnerable." I never actually published it. Perhaps one of my biggest fears is that if I allow someone to get close to me, it involves me opening up to them, not just them opening up to me. Once the process starts on one end, it needs to be matched on the other end. But that doesn't make much sense in some ways. Take family and friends for example. I love them, I want them to love me. Shouldn't it follow, then, that I would not be scared to go ahead and love them openly? Somehow, it doesn't. I know in many other ways, I'm afraid to let people care for me, because I don't want to let them know me. But it's fine if I care for them..... which in the long run probably means I'll get hurt because I won't let them know me, and so they won't ever be able to really love me like I want them to.
(This is turning out to be far more emo than I had intended. And for those of you who read this now and then, these are general musings. They are based off of many past, present, and future scenarios and thoughts. The impetus for writing this did not come from a guy. I am not writing because of disappointments or hopes from a guy. Just for clarification.)
Monday, September 13, 2010
Once upon a Time...
Have you ever stopped to think how sad that phrase can actually be?
Once upon a time....
That phrase recalls something that once was, but is no more. Usually what once was, was a happy thing, but the once upon a time denotes that the time is past. It can actually hurt to think about those 'once upon a times'. They may have been happy times at the moment, but sometimes the sheer fact that they are no more makes the memory of them painful. Or, perhaps, the way they ended or the reason for their ending is where the pain stems from.
Everyone has 'once upon a times.' Happy ones, sad ones, funny ones, serious ones, and just whatever ones. But those times are fixed in place, and somehow, sometime, you move past them. I have 'once upon a times' that I am so glad are over with and in the past. But they still once were, and so I can never fully leave them behind. Those 'once upon a times' still haunt me now and then. I also have 'once upon a times' that are memories I treasure. Good days from my childhood, simple things that bring a smile to my face. There's a touch of sadness that the days are gone, but they ultimately bring a bit of light into my day. Maybe the worst 'once upon a times' are those times that you thought were great. Times you treasured, and hoped to remember your whole life. A time when everything seemed to be working out, things fit together, and you were happy. Perhaps even a time that you thought wouldn't end. But what keeps those memories from being happy 'once upon a times' is the reason for their ending. Something bad happened, something good was taken away, things fell apart, or somehow you were hurt. Those are the painful 'once upon a times'.
Once upon a time....
That phrase recalls something that once was, but is no more. Usually what once was, was a happy thing, but the once upon a time denotes that the time is past. It can actually hurt to think about those 'once upon a times'. They may have been happy times at the moment, but sometimes the sheer fact that they are no more makes the memory of them painful. Or, perhaps, the way they ended or the reason for their ending is where the pain stems from.
Everyone has 'once upon a times.' Happy ones, sad ones, funny ones, serious ones, and just whatever ones. But those times are fixed in place, and somehow, sometime, you move past them. I have 'once upon a times' that I am so glad are over with and in the past. But they still once were, and so I can never fully leave them behind. Those 'once upon a times' still haunt me now and then. I also have 'once upon a times' that are memories I treasure. Good days from my childhood, simple things that bring a smile to my face. There's a touch of sadness that the days are gone, but they ultimately bring a bit of light into my day. Maybe the worst 'once upon a times' are those times that you thought were great. Times you treasured, and hoped to remember your whole life. A time when everything seemed to be working out, things fit together, and you were happy. Perhaps even a time that you thought wouldn't end. But what keeps those memories from being happy 'once upon a times' is the reason for their ending. Something bad happened, something good was taken away, things fell apart, or somehow you were hurt. Those are the painful 'once upon a times'.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Me? A writer? Nawww.
So my lovely friend over at http://sarahlouiselovesart.blogspot.com/ posted an artwork of hers (June 28th) that I feel should be the cover of a book. Of course, it appeals to my love of fantasy, and even sci/fi fantasy. It would totally work. Due to her jest that I should write the book for her, I have experimentally begun a document with character names, and soon will attempt to come up with some sort of basic plot. I've never really written anything before. Well, of course, not anything besides the many papers I've done for school, but those weren't creative writing. I used to keep up an adventure series via email with two lovely friends of mine, but those were based off of an already existing story world. (LOTR) Beyond that, I did also share a similar series with one of the girls involving aliens we made up and their battle for planet Earth. However, none of that was really story-writing.
I attempted to write a short story of sorts last year, but ran across many difficulties. For one thing, I cannot write prose. I basically summarized everything as I wrote, never writing a single word that the characters actually said to each other. That was a huge block for me. Another thing- I don't know how to develop ideas. I can have (what I think to be) a great idea, and a few other random ideas that connect in some way, but I can't develop them and make them connect. However, I had limitations for that short story. I wanted it to be like a fairy tale with a moral, like a cross between a parable and a fairy tale. I suppose I had bounds for my other creative venues as well, since the LOTR series already provided me with characters, places, and certain plot-lines (even if we did transcend some of them and made some very interesting developments...), and my alien adventure was somewhat bound to our galaxy and the planets familiar to us. Perhaps I could do more with a completely fresh topic, no limits, no presets. Just a blank screen, an inspiring picture, and my own, overactive imagination.
I'll give this a go, and let you know how things progress. If the words start to flow at some point and I manage to write several pages or even a chapter that flows well, I might post those pieces here. Or I might not. It depends. "on what?" you ask. Ah, well that is a secret. Not really. Maybe. Ok. I'll explain, somewhat. I am self-conscious of my writing. I never show anyone (besides the professor grading the work) things that I have written. I am also worried that I may get a few decent pages, get stuck, skip to another area and get a few decent pages, ad get stuck again. Eventually I'll reach an impasse and all attempts will cease. Really, who am I kidding here. Why write when a) I'm not a writer, b) it would never go anywhere, c) I'm just a musician, and d) who really cares anyway?
*sigh* Well, I won't talk myself out of it quite yet. I've already decided to make an attempt and see what I can do, so that's what I will do. Stay tuned...
I attempted to write a short story of sorts last year, but ran across many difficulties. For one thing, I cannot write prose. I basically summarized everything as I wrote, never writing a single word that the characters actually said to each other. That was a huge block for me. Another thing- I don't know how to develop ideas. I can have (what I think to be) a great idea, and a few other random ideas that connect in some way, but I can't develop them and make them connect. However, I had limitations for that short story. I wanted it to be like a fairy tale with a moral, like a cross between a parable and a fairy tale. I suppose I had bounds for my other creative venues as well, since the LOTR series already provided me with characters, places, and certain plot-lines (even if we did transcend some of them and made some very interesting developments...), and my alien adventure was somewhat bound to our galaxy and the planets familiar to us. Perhaps I could do more with a completely fresh topic, no limits, no presets. Just a blank screen, an inspiring picture, and my own, overactive imagination.
I'll give this a go, and let you know how things progress. If the words start to flow at some point and I manage to write several pages or even a chapter that flows well, I might post those pieces here. Or I might not. It depends. "on what?" you ask. Ah, well that is a secret. Not really. Maybe. Ok. I'll explain, somewhat. I am self-conscious of my writing. I never show anyone (besides the professor grading the work) things that I have written. I am also worried that I may get a few decent pages, get stuck, skip to another area and get a few decent pages, ad get stuck again. Eventually I'll reach an impasse and all attempts will cease. Really, who am I kidding here. Why write when a) I'm not a writer, b) it would never go anywhere, c) I'm just a musician, and d) who really cares anyway?
*sigh* Well, I won't talk myself out of it quite yet. I've already decided to make an attempt and see what I can do, so that's what I will do. Stay tuned...
Friday, July 16, 2010
Bullet Points
** EDIT** I looked back over my blog and saw that this showed up as a post of bullet points, but no text. So, I have removed the bullet points themselves so the text is hopefully visible.
I need to write in here again
Summer is going too fast
I need to practice more
These trios are so much fun!
Work is a pain
I need a tan
Weddings are beautiful, but stressful
Siblings are leaving me for a week
Time to go sleep
I will write soon
I need to write in here again
Summer is going too fast
I need to practice more
These trios are so much fun!
Work is a pain
I need a tan
Weddings are beautiful, but stressful
Siblings are leaving me for a week
Time to go sleep
I will write soon
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
So sore
I took a free weights class at school this last semester. It was good. I didn't really learn much of anything from the class itself, but I did get many tips and exercises from a few of my classmates. It was such a good thing for me to be using the gym. I had class twice a week, and I tried to get in the gym two or three more times besides that each week. It felt great to be exercising and getting into some kind of shape, as well as developing my body. When I came home, I attempted to get myself into the habit of some form of exercise, but I knew it wouldn't be nearly as extensive as at the gym, and that I wouldn't be able to stick with it for long.
I started off going for a jog up and down the street almost every day, plus a few other leg exercises and pushups. As I expected, that attempt did not last longer than a week. I decided to get a gym membership for the summer. In doing so, I was given a free session with a trainer. That session convinced me to sign up to meet with a trainer once each week. I had two sessions with the original man (both in the same week), I think he must be the head guy or something, and maybe he evaluates people... I dunno. Those were both rather tiring, but esp. the second one, as it was a cardio test and basically left me dead at the end. After that I have now had two sessions with my real trainer. Both of those sessions left me so tired that I was stumbling to the car afterward.
Unfortunately, though I have a membership now, and a trainer to stimulate me to work harder and do more, I only went into the gym once last week besides my session. I did do a few things with an exercise ball at home another day, and Saturday I went through the whole regimen from the previous session. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be to find time to get over to the gym. What with working most days, family stuff, and working on staining my grandparents' porch (they live 40 minutes away), I don't have much free time. But the first trainer I met with was right. Having a trainer to meet with once a week does provide that extra push to keep you working. Knowing now just how hard he'll push me in my sessions really makes me feel the need to actually go exercise more throughout the week so I can develop those muscles which he completely wears out in my sessions, both because now I'm aware of how much they need it, and so that he can't wear me out that completely again the next time.
Yesterday's session wore my legs down to rubber. I had to lean heavily on the railing as I stumbled down the very shallow steps like an infirm old lady. I was afraid that if I did not take very shallow, careful steps across the parking lot that my legs would just give way and I'd helplessly fall to the ground. That worn out feeling has now given way to intense soreness. It burns just to crouch down to sit on the toilet! Oy I need to work out more. I think by the end of the semester I had rather plateaued, and now I am getting that push up to a higher level. I thought I was in such great shape (for me at least) when I came home. Still can't run, never was a runner, but I was pretty well developed everywhere else. Turns out I had barely touched on things, and the way I was exercising was not the most efficient. I can work harder and better in just half an hour with a trainer than I did in an hour on my own at school. This will be incredibly good for me, but first I need to relocate and renew the enthusiasm I initially had for working out when I signed up. Haha, they had several forms for me to fill out at the beginning, and one section on one of them had me rate how motivated I felt to exercise and get in shape. I was still hyped up from what I had been able to do at school, and really wanted to continue that and push it farther, so I answered 9 on a scale of 1-10. I think I've dropped down to a 4 or 5..... I despaired a bit after those sessions, but now I'm ready to re-energize and get working!
I started off going for a jog up and down the street almost every day, plus a few other leg exercises and pushups. As I expected, that attempt did not last longer than a week. I decided to get a gym membership for the summer. In doing so, I was given a free session with a trainer. That session convinced me to sign up to meet with a trainer once each week. I had two sessions with the original man (both in the same week), I think he must be the head guy or something, and maybe he evaluates people... I dunno. Those were both rather tiring, but esp. the second one, as it was a cardio test and basically left me dead at the end. After that I have now had two sessions with my real trainer. Both of those sessions left me so tired that I was stumbling to the car afterward.
Unfortunately, though I have a membership now, and a trainer to stimulate me to work harder and do more, I only went into the gym once last week besides my session. I did do a few things with an exercise ball at home another day, and Saturday I went through the whole regimen from the previous session. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be to find time to get over to the gym. What with working most days, family stuff, and working on staining my grandparents' porch (they live 40 minutes away), I don't have much free time. But the first trainer I met with was right. Having a trainer to meet with once a week does provide that extra push to keep you working. Knowing now just how hard he'll push me in my sessions really makes me feel the need to actually go exercise more throughout the week so I can develop those muscles which he completely wears out in my sessions, both because now I'm aware of how much they need it, and so that he can't wear me out that completely again the next time.
Yesterday's session wore my legs down to rubber. I had to lean heavily on the railing as I stumbled down the very shallow steps like an infirm old lady. I was afraid that if I did not take very shallow, careful steps across the parking lot that my legs would just give way and I'd helplessly fall to the ground. That worn out feeling has now given way to intense soreness. It burns just to crouch down to sit on the toilet! Oy I need to work out more. I think by the end of the semester I had rather plateaued, and now I am getting that push up to a higher level. I thought I was in such great shape (for me at least) when I came home. Still can't run, never was a runner, but I was pretty well developed everywhere else. Turns out I had barely touched on things, and the way I was exercising was not the most efficient. I can work harder and better in just half an hour with a trainer than I did in an hour on my own at school. This will be incredibly good for me, but first I need to relocate and renew the enthusiasm I initially had for working out when I signed up. Haha, they had several forms for me to fill out at the beginning, and one section on one of them had me rate how motivated I felt to exercise and get in shape. I was still hyped up from what I had been able to do at school, and really wanted to continue that and push it farther, so I answered 9 on a scale of 1-10. I think I've dropped down to a 4 or 5..... I despaired a bit after those sessions, but now I'm ready to re-energize and get working!
Monday, June 7, 2010
Climbing Trees
I climbed our old maple tree today. It was wonderful. Growing up, we all referred to that maple in our front yard as "the climbing tree". We all enjoyed clambering into it and sitting in that perfect seat, or climbing up as high as we could. We have some old pictures of various children in it, and I think we have one somewhere with Geoff, Sarah, myself, and Nathan in it somewhere. I've always loved climbing trees. I love the exhilaration and challenge of pulling myself ever higher, and I love just perching somewhere and enjoying the feeling of sitting in the tree. There aren't many trees that are good for climbing at school. There are a couple that I can find a perch in, but can't really "climb" them. One of my last nights there, I found a tree with a friend that I could actually climb up a ways before sitting. That was really fun. There was a few weeks that I didn't have the opportunity or make the time to climb up into a tree and sit. It was nice to have that one night at the very end of the semester. Now I've been home for two weeks, and I finally went up in a tree again. I don't think I've sat in our climbing tree since two summers ago, and I don't think I actually climbed higher in it at that point. It's been a while.
I spent the middle of the day working at pruning our rhododendrons, which for two of them involved a bit of climbing. Those bushes had gotten big! I didn't want to risk that rickety ladder to get at the higher branches, so as much as possible, I just reached and pulled a branch down until I could cut the tops. The middle ones were too tall for me to do that on two of the bushes, and I ended climbing up the center of the bush a ways before I could do some cutting. I got pretty dirty with showers of bark, dead bits of flower, seeds, leaves, and branches falling on my head and all down and in my shirt. When I finished my pruning, it was just such a lovely day that I didn't want to go inside yet, and as I was already quite dirty, I decided to climb the tree.
Some of our best branches are now missing cause Daddy removed them a few years back. It made me sad, but at least I could still use the rounded stumps of some of them as footholds to climb. I couldn't sit on some of the old branches anymore, but at least I could climb. I went up higher than I think I've gone before, but I could only climb and lean against various points of the trunk; there were no places to sit up there. Later on when I was back on the ground, I looked up and located a crotch that I may be able to sit in, if I can get up to it. That crotch is pretty high up, higher than I've ever gone. It might be rather dangerous to attempt to get up there. After my climbing excursion, I went back down to the original crotch of the tree to just sit. That first crotch has got to be one of the most comfortable sitting places in any tree. I will have to get a picture of it later and add it to this post.
I don't know how interested anyone will be in reading a post about a tree, but I really love trees. It's always so calming for me to be able to sit in a tree. I love nature in general, but trees hold a special place in my heart. Maybe it's because in a tree, I can hide in a sense; in a tree, I can sit back in the security of strong branches; in a tree, I can breathe in the smells of nature; in a tree, I can have color and life all around me, above and below; in a tree, I am removed from all the normalness of life and can escape the stress and pressures; in a tree, I can revert to innocent, childish days. Maybe I'm just rambling, trying to explain just why I love trees and how being in one feels to me, but I don't even really understand myself.
Anyway, I'll stop rambling now. I will get pictures of the tree (and perhaps me in it...) to put in here eventually. I will also keep you updated if I ever climb up to a higher spot to sit. (cause I know you're all so very interested...)
I spent the middle of the day working at pruning our rhododendrons, which for two of them involved a bit of climbing. Those bushes had gotten big! I didn't want to risk that rickety ladder to get at the higher branches, so as much as possible, I just reached and pulled a branch down until I could cut the tops. The middle ones were too tall for me to do that on two of the bushes, and I ended climbing up the center of the bush a ways before I could do some cutting. I got pretty dirty with showers of bark, dead bits of flower, seeds, leaves, and branches falling on my head and all down and in my shirt. When I finished my pruning, it was just such a lovely day that I didn't want to go inside yet, and as I was already quite dirty, I decided to climb the tree.
Some of our best branches are now missing cause Daddy removed them a few years back. It made me sad, but at least I could still use the rounded stumps of some of them as footholds to climb. I couldn't sit on some of the old branches anymore, but at least I could climb. I went up higher than I think I've gone before, but I could only climb and lean against various points of the trunk; there were no places to sit up there. Later on when I was back on the ground, I looked up and located a crotch that I may be able to sit in, if I can get up to it. That crotch is pretty high up, higher than I've ever gone. It might be rather dangerous to attempt to get up there. After my climbing excursion, I went back down to the original crotch of the tree to just sit. That first crotch has got to be one of the most comfortable sitting places in any tree. I will have to get a picture of it later and add it to this post.
I don't know how interested anyone will be in reading a post about a tree, but I really love trees. It's always so calming for me to be able to sit in a tree. I love nature in general, but trees hold a special place in my heart. Maybe it's because in a tree, I can hide in a sense; in a tree, I can sit back in the security of strong branches; in a tree, I can breathe in the smells of nature; in a tree, I can have color and life all around me, above and below; in a tree, I am removed from all the normalness of life and can escape the stress and pressures; in a tree, I can revert to innocent, childish days. Maybe I'm just rambling, trying to explain just why I love trees and how being in one feels to me, but I don't even really understand myself.
Anyway, I'll stop rambling now. I will get pictures of the tree (and perhaps me in it...) to put in here eventually. I will also keep you updated if I ever climb up to a higher spot to sit. (cause I know you're all so very interested...)
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Letting Go
I know it's been a long time since I've written. The last couple weeks at school were really rough, and definitely some of the most stressful weeks at school I've experienced. Finals week was a killer. Not that I had a bunch of bad finals or anything, I actually had papers instead. For me, though, I think that was worse, or at least, having that many papers was worse. I had four large papers plus another large project due finals week, and consequently wrote over 50 pages of material, plus my large project that week. It was really rough. But I finally made it through, packed everything away, and flew home.
Now that I'm home, there are things I must confront and work out. As suggested by my title, I have to do some letting go. Some things will be quite a relief to let go of, such as the tremendous pressures and stress of keeping up with my homework and maintaining good grades. Other things will be harder. At the same time that I must let go of some of my stricter lifestyles from school life, I must also let go of some of my lazier ones. There are certain attitudes I need to let go of, masks and cloaks I need to let go of, automatic reactions I need to let go of, personal desires I need to let go of, and emotions I need to let go of. Needless to say, there's a lot, and it will be hard. I get into ruts when I'm at school. Or maybe it's that I feel I can escape and hide away in various ways when I'm at school, but all that is disrupted when I go home.
I haven't spent more than a week or two at home in a very long time. (well, I guess I spent just over two weeks at home over Christmas break) The last time I spent more time than that at home was the summer between freshman and sophomore year. (that would be summer of 08. Two years ago. That's a long time. The atmosphere is different at home. Very different. I'm now used to the school atmosphere, and the atmosphere of the little town. I'm used to the people there, and the various means of escaping. There's always another room to go to, there's always another building to go to, there's always a place outside to go to, always a tree to go to, always other people to hang around with or to avoid. Here, it almost feels like I'm stuck. I love my family dearly and wouldn't really wish to be anywhere else. But, it's hard to be stuck in my little house to no place to escape to for privacy and a chance to try to work things out. I really miss just leaving my duplex at night and going across the street to the athletic park. I miss walking the labyrinth at night, and just sitting on the edge of the hill. I miss my various tree friends. I just miss the freedom, solitude, and the familiar habits I had at school. There were certain places, and even times, that became connected with thinking and wrestling through things. Now I don't have those and I don't really know what to do. It would be easier if I had my own room, but we don't have enough rooms for that, and I'm sharing with my sister.
It's just such a different atmosphere here at home. I feel almost like I end up being one person at school and another person at home, but it's not quite that bad. Maybe it's just that I can't quite fit in at school, and I also don't quite fit in back home. The mold I left can no longer hold me when I return. Part of why I don't feel like I don't really fit in anywhere is due to the various obstacles I have constructed. Emotional obstacles, habitual obstacles, and obstacles of disguise. These are part of the things I need to let go. I don't really know how to get started on everything, but I'm going to try. The sooner the better, I guess, but it's so much easier to just sit around a relax....
Now that I'm home, there are things I must confront and work out. As suggested by my title, I have to do some letting go. Some things will be quite a relief to let go of, such as the tremendous pressures and stress of keeping up with my homework and maintaining good grades. Other things will be harder. At the same time that I must let go of some of my stricter lifestyles from school life, I must also let go of some of my lazier ones. There are certain attitudes I need to let go of, masks and cloaks I need to let go of, automatic reactions I need to let go of, personal desires I need to let go of, and emotions I need to let go of. Needless to say, there's a lot, and it will be hard. I get into ruts when I'm at school. Or maybe it's that I feel I can escape and hide away in various ways when I'm at school, but all that is disrupted when I go home.
I haven't spent more than a week or two at home in a very long time. (well, I guess I spent just over two weeks at home over Christmas break) The last time I spent more time than that at home was the summer between freshman and sophomore year. (that would be summer of 08. Two years ago. That's a long time. The atmosphere is different at home. Very different. I'm now used to the school atmosphere, and the atmosphere of the little town. I'm used to the people there, and the various means of escaping. There's always another room to go to, there's always another building to go to, there's always a place outside to go to, always a tree to go to, always other people to hang around with or to avoid. Here, it almost feels like I'm stuck. I love my family dearly and wouldn't really wish to be anywhere else. But, it's hard to be stuck in my little house to no place to escape to for privacy and a chance to try to work things out. I really miss just leaving my duplex at night and going across the street to the athletic park. I miss walking the labyrinth at night, and just sitting on the edge of the hill. I miss my various tree friends. I just miss the freedom, solitude, and the familiar habits I had at school. There were certain places, and even times, that became connected with thinking and wrestling through things. Now I don't have those and I don't really know what to do. It would be easier if I had my own room, but we don't have enough rooms for that, and I'm sharing with my sister.
It's just such a different atmosphere here at home. I feel almost like I end up being one person at school and another person at home, but it's not quite that bad. Maybe it's just that I can't quite fit in at school, and I also don't quite fit in back home. The mold I left can no longer hold me when I return. Part of why I don't feel like I don't really fit in anywhere is due to the various obstacles I have constructed. Emotional obstacles, habitual obstacles, and obstacles of disguise. These are part of the things I need to let go. I don't really know how to get started on everything, but I'm going to try. The sooner the better, I guess, but it's so much easier to just sit around a relax....
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
I knew I didn't want to get involved in the theater...
I don't think I ever wrote anything about working for a theater show.... if I did, I didn't go into much detail. So there is a student-run production getting ready to go up this weekend. I'm friends with the director, the musical director, the accompanist, the band members, the sound tech person and the light tech person (as well as several members of the cast), so when the music director started asking around for someone to stage manage, I volunteered. I'm the House Manager in the school of music, and manage all the large events and do a lot of stage managing for smaller events as well, so I thought working a theater show would be good experience too. It's turning out to be a lot rougher than I had expected, and I'm being reminded over and over again of why I didn't want to get involved in the theater.... ever. Sure I've played in pits, and even that is plenty enough and even more than enough for me. But oy.... it's rough. It's actually not so much any one element, but mostly the combination of several. Well, I suppose one in stronger than the others, but it's still the combination that's the worst.
I came to the scene rather late. Everyone had their parts and were learning them, musical rehearsals were being held, dance rehearsals were being held, the set was being built, all that had been going on before I was brought on board. I went to a couple meetings, but didn't really get started with the show until last week. Since then, I've had three hours of my evening eaten up every day by the rehearsals. Evenings are my only free time to actually do homework....Now I don't even have that time. The director is getting pretty stressed over the show, since it goes up this weekend and things are still pretty rough in a lot of ways. I'm kindof like her buffer, and almost her personal slave. I do want to help her, and try to do so in every way I can, but it's taking a lot out of me. I now know almost every line in the show, every song in the show, all the cue lines, who is supposed to be where when, who takes care of what props when, where, and how, and so much more. I've been sitting next to the director the past two nights as we've run the show and had her give me all her comments to type up, meanwhile also listening to the band so I could provide feedback to them as well. I also show up early and stay late to help set the stage and then clear it again. It's just really busy and stressful. Because it's put on by students (only a little help from some faculty), resources are limited. Until tonight we were without soundboard or lightboard personnel. We had someone who was supposed to design lights, but hadn't come at all yet, and someone who was going to help with sounds, but he was in the show so he couldn't run the board. I went crazy all yesterday and today trying to find someone and finally got someone who could help. That's one thing taken care of.
Yeah, it's just a lot of details and stuff to care for, plus I have all the director's anxiety and stress spilling over onto me. That whole bit just is not my scene. I hold my own pretty well, but that's partly the problem. There's so much that needs to be done, so I throw myself into it and try to do as much as absolutely possible. At the same time, I'm getting frustrated, worn out, and just tired, but I can't let people know that, so I have to work even harder to hide that and maintain my cool. I have to remain collected and always know what's going on and what needs to be done. That gets old.... I can't wait for this to be over.
Now for the biggest part. I can't stand swearing. At all. Of course, here in college (and everywhere else too I suppose, it's just worse here), everyone swears practically every other word. The show actually has a lot of bad language in it, but the director wants it to be "family friendly", so everyone has had to go through their parts and make substitutions. There are still things that slip through, and I think I'm the only one who notices. I'm actually enjoying the show for the most part. I love the songs and many of the story lines. There are a few things I don't particularly care for, but overall, at least I like the show. It's just that whenever people miss lines, talk about things, or esp. when the director goes over stuff with the cast that all the swearing breaks loose and I can't stand it! That's probably what makes all the hours the hardest. I could deal with the stress better if I wasn't also constantly frustrated with everyone around me swearing all the time for no reason at all. I cringe every single time I hear a cuss word, but it's just second nature to them and they don't notice at all.
My other reason for never wanting to get involved in the theater doesn't really come into play here, but I'll mention it briefly so you have a better picture of my thoughts. This applies more to if I were to act, but also spreads to those who do. I disagree with the idea of playing parts that go against my morals, or the morals of a Christian. I would never play a part where someone says or does something I myself would never say or do. I don't think any Christian should play parts that require them to say or do things that go against what the conduct and language of what a Christian should be. I don't care if it's just "acting", it's the fact that you as a Christian seem to be sanctioning things because you are acting them out on stage. You demean yourself and what you stand for if you compromise and play parts on the stage that don't hold with your beliefs and how you should act accordingly. But anyway. I should stop now and study for my psych exam. I just needed to vent a bit. Gosh am I ever ready for the stress of everything to be over.
I came to the scene rather late. Everyone had their parts and were learning them, musical rehearsals were being held, dance rehearsals were being held, the set was being built, all that had been going on before I was brought on board. I went to a couple meetings, but didn't really get started with the show until last week. Since then, I've had three hours of my evening eaten up every day by the rehearsals. Evenings are my only free time to actually do homework....Now I don't even have that time. The director is getting pretty stressed over the show, since it goes up this weekend and things are still pretty rough in a lot of ways. I'm kindof like her buffer, and almost her personal slave. I do want to help her, and try to do so in every way I can, but it's taking a lot out of me. I now know almost every line in the show, every song in the show, all the cue lines, who is supposed to be where when, who takes care of what props when, where, and how, and so much more. I've been sitting next to the director the past two nights as we've run the show and had her give me all her comments to type up, meanwhile also listening to the band so I could provide feedback to them as well. I also show up early and stay late to help set the stage and then clear it again. It's just really busy and stressful. Because it's put on by students (only a little help from some faculty), resources are limited. Until tonight we were without soundboard or lightboard personnel. We had someone who was supposed to design lights, but hadn't come at all yet, and someone who was going to help with sounds, but he was in the show so he couldn't run the board. I went crazy all yesterday and today trying to find someone and finally got someone who could help. That's one thing taken care of.
Yeah, it's just a lot of details and stuff to care for, plus I have all the director's anxiety and stress spilling over onto me. That whole bit just is not my scene. I hold my own pretty well, but that's partly the problem. There's so much that needs to be done, so I throw myself into it and try to do as much as absolutely possible. At the same time, I'm getting frustrated, worn out, and just tired, but I can't let people know that, so I have to work even harder to hide that and maintain my cool. I have to remain collected and always know what's going on and what needs to be done. That gets old.... I can't wait for this to be over.
Now for the biggest part. I can't stand swearing. At all. Of course, here in college (and everywhere else too I suppose, it's just worse here), everyone swears practically every other word. The show actually has a lot of bad language in it, but the director wants it to be "family friendly", so everyone has had to go through their parts and make substitutions. There are still things that slip through, and I think I'm the only one who notices. I'm actually enjoying the show for the most part. I love the songs and many of the story lines. There are a few things I don't particularly care for, but overall, at least I like the show. It's just that whenever people miss lines, talk about things, or esp. when the director goes over stuff with the cast that all the swearing breaks loose and I can't stand it! That's probably what makes all the hours the hardest. I could deal with the stress better if I wasn't also constantly frustrated with everyone around me swearing all the time for no reason at all. I cringe every single time I hear a cuss word, but it's just second nature to them and they don't notice at all.
My other reason for never wanting to get involved in the theater doesn't really come into play here, but I'll mention it briefly so you have a better picture of my thoughts. This applies more to if I were to act, but also spreads to those who do. I disagree with the idea of playing parts that go against my morals, or the morals of a Christian. I would never play a part where someone says or does something I myself would never say or do. I don't think any Christian should play parts that require them to say or do things that go against what the conduct and language of what a Christian should be. I don't care if it's just "acting", it's the fact that you as a Christian seem to be sanctioning things because you are acting them out on stage. You demean yourself and what you stand for if you compromise and play parts on the stage that don't hold with your beliefs and how you should act accordingly. But anyway. I should stop now and study for my psych exam. I just needed to vent a bit. Gosh am I ever ready for the stress of everything to be over.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Earthworms
So I like to go across the way to this little place, never sure whether to call it an athletic trail or a park.... I think it's known as both.... but anyway, I like to go there in the evenings/at night to walk or just sit. It has such a peaceful atmosphere at night. Almost no one ever goes there at night. There were a couple evenings, before it was too late, that I saw some people jogging around the park, but not in it. There were two other evenings that a few people came to walk the labyrinth, but for the most part I'm the only one who occupies it at night. I will have to take pictures and put them up sometime.
Tonight, I actually didn't walk the labyrinth, or the paths, or the circumference of the park, like I usually do. I didn't even sit on the edge of the slight decline into the field hockey field. I actually just sat on one of the many rocks lining the paths. I spent an hour and a half just sitting there. After a few minutes of sitting, I started to sense motions in the grass in front of me. At first I thought it was just a very slight breeze, more noticeable because the grass was wet and glistening from the light rain earlier in the day. Then when I looked closer, I saw that what was actually causing the disturbance in the grass was the stirring of several earthworms, starting to poke their way out of the dirt. We had thunderstorms last night, a few few light showers today, and we're supposed to get some pretty big storms tonight.
As I sat watching the worms wiggle their way out of the dirt, I started to think about the strange concept of instinct in animals. In all the times I have been in that park I have never seen worms coming out like that, but this time was different, because this was after one rain and right before an even bigger rain. These simple insects somehow knew that rain was on its way, and they were making their way to the surface so they wouldn't suffocate in the too-saturated soil. As cool as it was to think about that, a touch of sad irony came with that. Whenever there's a big rain the sidewalks on campus are covered with worms of all sizes and it's pretty gross. The picture is quite different after the rains abate. As the sidewalks dry, the majority of the worms are stranded and begin to dry out, but by the next morning there are very few remains left. I assume the birds had a lovely little buffet in the morning. Here the worms are preparing to escape one threat on their lives, only to lose to another threat.
I personally think worms are really gross, and hate it when they get all over the sidewalks and spoil my enjoyment of the rain. (I would totally continue to walk barefoot in the rain too, if it weren't for the fact that I really really do not want to be walking on slimy worms with my bare feet.) Though I am not fond of the creatures, I did begin to feel a sympathy towards them, and even felt sorry for them and their fate. Their simple existence is limited to fertilizing the soil and providing sustenance for the birds. It almost seemed unfair to me that the worms would escape the suffocation of the wet soil only to be eaten by the birds. But then I looked at it the other way, and thought about how it benefited the birds. These thoughts on how the food chain works led to thoughts on God's design in creation. From that point, due in part to the conducive atmosphere of the park, my thoughts turned to God's design in life. The fact is that there is a Designer and a design, but it can be so hard to see both at times.
Right now I kindof feel like one of those worms. I am slowly crawling out of the safety of my habitat in anticipation of the storm that is to come. I am shivering as I lay cold, exposed, and alone, hoping that I survive the threat of a predator snatching me up.
Tonight, I actually didn't walk the labyrinth, or the paths, or the circumference of the park, like I usually do. I didn't even sit on the edge of the slight decline into the field hockey field. I actually just sat on one of the many rocks lining the paths. I spent an hour and a half just sitting there. After a few minutes of sitting, I started to sense motions in the grass in front of me. At first I thought it was just a very slight breeze, more noticeable because the grass was wet and glistening from the light rain earlier in the day. Then when I looked closer, I saw that what was actually causing the disturbance in the grass was the stirring of several earthworms, starting to poke their way out of the dirt. We had thunderstorms last night, a few few light showers today, and we're supposed to get some pretty big storms tonight.
As I sat watching the worms wiggle their way out of the dirt, I started to think about the strange concept of instinct in animals. In all the times I have been in that park I have never seen worms coming out like that, but this time was different, because this was after one rain and right before an even bigger rain. These simple insects somehow knew that rain was on its way, and they were making their way to the surface so they wouldn't suffocate in the too-saturated soil. As cool as it was to think about that, a touch of sad irony came with that. Whenever there's a big rain the sidewalks on campus are covered with worms of all sizes and it's pretty gross. The picture is quite different after the rains abate. As the sidewalks dry, the majority of the worms are stranded and begin to dry out, but by the next morning there are very few remains left. I assume the birds had a lovely little buffet in the morning. Here the worms are preparing to escape one threat on their lives, only to lose to another threat.
I personally think worms are really gross, and hate it when they get all over the sidewalks and spoil my enjoyment of the rain. (I would totally continue to walk barefoot in the rain too, if it weren't for the fact that I really really do not want to be walking on slimy worms with my bare feet.) Though I am not fond of the creatures, I did begin to feel a sympathy towards them, and even felt sorry for them and their fate. Their simple existence is limited to fertilizing the soil and providing sustenance for the birds. It almost seemed unfair to me that the worms would escape the suffocation of the wet soil only to be eaten by the birds. But then I looked at it the other way, and thought about how it benefited the birds. These thoughts on how the food chain works led to thoughts on God's design in creation. From that point, due in part to the conducive atmosphere of the park, my thoughts turned to God's design in life. The fact is that there is a Designer and a design, but it can be so hard to see both at times.
Right now I kindof feel like one of those worms. I am slowly crawling out of the safety of my habitat in anticipation of the storm that is to come. I am shivering as I lay cold, exposed, and alone, hoping that I survive the threat of a predator snatching me up.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
None knows the weight of another's burden
The tremendous pressures and stresses of the past two weeks are finally relieved for a while, and I can breathe, relax, and sleep.Well, for a few days anyway, before the craziness picks up again next week. This has actually been a really rough semester for me. I anticipated it would be, due to the nature of the classes I was signed up for, but I wasn't quite prepared for how hard it's been in a variety of ways.Things build up over time, and it gets hard to deal with it all. I'm getting really tired of bearing this burden. You know, there are two ways things can go. A burden can seem lighter over time as you grow more able to bear it, or over time the burden can wear you down and become too much to bear. Carrying a burden over an extended period of time can result in growth and a greater endurance and ability to bear it. But, in opposition to that, even the lightest burden can wear a person down if carried long enough. Everyone knows that though their own arms are by no means heavy, but if they extend them out in front of themselves, or to the side, and hold that position for a while, they will get really tired after a period of time and will not be able to sustain the weight of their own arms any more.
I guess I'm in an odd place of simultaneously experiencing both aspects, or the two have become converged somehow. I have become accustomed to my burden to an extent. I'm used to carrying it, I'm used to all that it entails, and many aspects of it are automatic or habitual for me now. But at the same time, I'm getting so tired of it all. So worn down, so burnt out. But like the child being disciplined, I have to keep my arms up, I have to continue to bear the burden, no matter how much it's breaking me down.
I guess I'm in an odd place of simultaneously experiencing both aspects, or the two have become converged somehow. I have become accustomed to my burden to an extent. I'm used to carrying it, I'm used to all that it entails, and many aspects of it are automatic or habitual for me now. But at the same time, I'm getting so tired of it all. So worn down, so burnt out. But like the child being disciplined, I have to keep my arms up, I have to continue to bear the burden, no matter how much it's breaking me down.
Let it all out
get it all out
rip it out remove it
don't be alarmed
when the wound begins to bleed
cause we're so scared to find out
what this life's all about
so scared we're going to lose it
not knowing all along
that's exactly what we need
and today I will trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
but tomorrow, upon hearing what I did
I will stare at you in disbelief
oh, inconsistent me
crying out for consistency
and you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there
and I'll let it be known
at times I have shown
signs of all my weakness
but somewhere in me
there is strength
and you promise me
that you believe
in time I will defeat this
cause somewhere in me
there is strength
Friday, April 23, 2010
Sticking to the path.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Chocolate!!!!
So I just got back from an all-you-can-eat chocolate buffet. I kindof hurt now. This weekend is relay for life, and a restaurant down on the square had an all-you-can-eat chocolate buffet for $10. I'm not sure how much of the proceeds is going to relay for life, but I'm pretty sure it's a pretty large percentage. I think it's a great way to get people to contribute. There was so much chocolate there! And it was all so rich! We even got to fill up a take home container. I can't think of touching any of it right now, but I'll be very glad to have it tomorrow. It also makes up for my lack of cake yesterday. Haha, more than makes up for it. Hopefully now I will have the energy I've been missing all day so that I can get a good amount of my paper done tonight. Anyway, there's my little blurb, but now something's come up that I gotta take care of, so I'll have to post this without rambling on and on about stuff like I usually do.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Yay all-nighters
So..... yeah, I didn't go to bed until 6 this morning, and even then I hardly slept at all due to the constant cycle of information and analysis going through my head. At least I finally finished the great big time line for my symphonic lit class (finished that at 2 am), and created my entire presentation (which kept me busy until 6 am) . I think it went pretty well, despite the technological problems I always have. It was definitely rather intimidating to have the other prof sitting in on the class, but I felt pretty confidant in my materials. (but, meh, my prof made me wear my sandals.... she's noticed that I go barefoot everywhere, has commented on it, but when I showed up to class today she said I needed to put some shoes on. I was very sad at that.) I've discovered that I can stay up all night very successfully. All I have to do is make it past a certain point, usually right around 2 or a little later, and then I get my second wind and I'm alert and good to go the rest of the night. But yeah, I have a couple more super late nights ahead of me. There's still that huge paper due on Friday that I haven't started yet, and my psychology quiz tomorrow. I'm actually intending to get some sleep tonight so that I can survive an all-nighter Thursday night. I probably shouldn't be blogging right now, but I'm rather burnt out and don't want to jump back into any more studying just yet. At least I'll mix things up a bit by studying for psych first, and then spend a couple hours on my paper before sleeping. Tomorrow I'm sure that I will have to stay up all night and morning writing the rest of the paper. Unless....... I can get an extension..... I have never asked for an extension on anything before. It's just not something I think about doing. But I've had several people tell me I should ask my prof for an extension on this so I can actually sleep a little. I know my prof pretty well and he's one of my absolute favorite people here, so I think he'll give me an extension..... but it still feels weird to ask. Makes me feel like I'm not working as hard, or not performing up to par or something. I dunno, it just doesn't feel right. But, I definitely want to sleep, and be able to put more time into this paper. I emailed my prof..... I don't know if he'll check his email before tomorrow, so I will continue with my plan of spending a few hours on the paper tonight before sleeping, then tomorrow I'll find out if I have to do an all-nighter or not.
Actually, want to know a secret? Well, it's not much of a secret really, but I haven't exactly made it public knowledge. It's my birthday today. My 21st, in fact. Of course, my family knows, and many people from back home know through the church newsletter (it contains the birthdays for each month), but I took my birthdate off facebook last year after my birthday and only my closest friends here actually know my birthdate. Knowing that I'd be turning 21, I didn't want all the pressure from everyone about going out to party and drink and all that, so I figured the easiest thing would be to just remove the information.
I suppose you could say (and you'd be right) that today has been the lamest 21st birthday, or just birthday in general. Who wants to spend the first several hours of their special day still up from a night of working on projects? Who wants to go to all their classes, turn in a project and deliver a presentation on their birthday, all while trying to exist on approx. 3 hours of very restless sleep? And then, there's no party, so special dinner, just the normal routine of grabbing food at the hub, and no cake. :( And, haha, I'm not going out for my first "adult" drinks. At least the weather was really nice today, and though I didn't have any special dinner, I didn't have to sit alone but ended up sitting with a friend and talking about our respective plans for the future. (Yay for thinking about grad schools and jobs in the future.) I have gotten several birthday wishes on fb (which I must confess I reactivated solely so that Daddy could tag me in his now traditional birthday tribute album, and so that I can wish him happy birthday tomorrow. After that I will deactivate it again.), was tagged in a really sweet album from when I was young and cute, received birthday texts from my brother and sister, and received a package in the mail from my sister! :) That definitely made my day.
Anyway, I should stop procrastinating and get to work on stuff now. I'll just have to come back to the topic of the oh-so-grand 21st birthday and how I remain individual and independant of the traditional mold another time. And guess what? I just got an email back from my prof saying I can send in my paper on Saturday instead of Friday!!! YESSS! Oh sleep! Wonderful wonderful sleep! We shall become reacquainted and I shall strive to get on better terms with you.
Actually, want to know a secret? Well, it's not much of a secret really, but I haven't exactly made it public knowledge. It's my birthday today. My 21st, in fact. Of course, my family knows, and many people from back home know through the church newsletter (it contains the birthdays for each month), but I took my birthdate off facebook last year after my birthday and only my closest friends here actually know my birthdate. Knowing that I'd be turning 21, I didn't want all the pressure from everyone about going out to party and drink and all that, so I figured the easiest thing would be to just remove the information.
I suppose you could say (and you'd be right) that today has been the lamest 21st birthday, or just birthday in general. Who wants to spend the first several hours of their special day still up from a night of working on projects? Who wants to go to all their classes, turn in a project and deliver a presentation on their birthday, all while trying to exist on approx. 3 hours of very restless sleep? And then, there's no party, so special dinner, just the normal routine of grabbing food at the hub, and no cake. :( And, haha, I'm not going out for my first "adult" drinks. At least the weather was really nice today, and though I didn't have any special dinner, I didn't have to sit alone but ended up sitting with a friend and talking about our respective plans for the future. (Yay for thinking about grad schools and jobs in the future.) I have gotten several birthday wishes on fb (which I must confess I reactivated solely so that Daddy could tag me in his now traditional birthday tribute album, and so that I can wish him happy birthday tomorrow. After that I will deactivate it again.), was tagged in a really sweet album from when I was young and cute, received birthday texts from my brother and sister, and received a package in the mail from my sister! :) That definitely made my day.
Anyway, I should stop procrastinating and get to work on stuff now. I'll just have to come back to the topic of the oh-so-grand 21st birthday and how I remain individual and independant of the traditional mold another time. And guess what? I just got an email back from my prof saying I can send in my paper on Saturday instead of Friday!!! YESSS! Oh sleep! Wonderful wonderful sleep! We shall become reacquainted and I shall strive to get on better terms with you.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Long Week
It's been a long week, and I have a much longer one ahead of me. I have a presentation in class on Wednesday, the materials for which I need to turn in to my prof tomorrow so she can go over them with me. (I haven't really started on all that yet.) Turns out another prof will be visiting our class that day. yay. Extra pressure. Whatever I come up with for my presentation will end up being time wasted though, since I know my prof will completely change the direction of all of it and I'll have to redo it all. (that's what she did for my earlier presentation, and what she's done for most everyone else in the class.) I also have a giant timeline due on Wednesday for which I've been gathering information most of this week and all weekend. Thursday I have a quiz in Psych, and Friday I have a big paper due for Symphonic Lit. Next week on Tuesday the rough draft for my final paper in Psych is due.... so I will have to work on that this week as well. Oy.
I'm feeling rather burnt out. I have actually been spending a lot of time this week studying and doing my homework, which is good. But the problem is that when I stay up really late working on things, especially score study to prepare for class and such, I just don't sleep well when I go to bed. I tend to have strange dreams anyway, but they seem to be getting more and more restless over the past year or so. Sometimes when the weather is nice, or if I just really need it, I'll go outside and walk around or just sit for a while. Across the way from the set of duplexes I live in is this little athletic park/trail place. I love that little area. I can't tell you how many evenings in the past couple weeks I have gone and just sat on the little slope leading into whatever field that is (field hockey maybe?), or gone and walked through the labyrinth. Actually, I've been spending a lot of time outside. I've been replacing my facebook time with being outside and actually studying more. I don't think a day has gone by in a while that I haven't spent at least half an hour just sitting by the mushroom fountain or somewhere in the athletic park. It's just so much easier to think and pray outside. I've been doing a whole lot of that lately, but I still haven't found the answers I'm looking for.
Remember that puzzle I mentioned earlier? It's hard to say sometimes (and now is one of those times), but I think I've been finding several pieces lately. (Actually, it's probably more like they've been laid out for me to find.) Sometimes I'm just not sure if what I'm finding is a piece or not, and I still don't have a clear idea of how to fit them all together. I will keep working on it all, though I may feel like despairing now and then. It's just so hard to deny oneself, and pick up that cross which must be borne daily.
I'm feeling rather burnt out. I have actually been spending a lot of time this week studying and doing my homework, which is good. But the problem is that when I stay up really late working on things, especially score study to prepare for class and such, I just don't sleep well when I go to bed. I tend to have strange dreams anyway, but they seem to be getting more and more restless over the past year or so. Sometimes when the weather is nice, or if I just really need it, I'll go outside and walk around or just sit for a while. Across the way from the set of duplexes I live in is this little athletic park/trail place. I love that little area. I can't tell you how many evenings in the past couple weeks I have gone and just sat on the little slope leading into whatever field that is (field hockey maybe?), or gone and walked through the labyrinth. Actually, I've been spending a lot of time outside. I've been replacing my facebook time with being outside and actually studying more. I don't think a day has gone by in a while that I haven't spent at least half an hour just sitting by the mushroom fountain or somewhere in the athletic park. It's just so much easier to think and pray outside. I've been doing a whole lot of that lately, but I still haven't found the answers I'm looking for.
Remember that puzzle I mentioned earlier? It's hard to say sometimes (and now is one of those times), but I think I've been finding several pieces lately. (Actually, it's probably more like they've been laid out for me to find.) Sometimes I'm just not sure if what I'm finding is a piece or not, and I still don't have a clear idea of how to fit them all together. I will keep working on it all, though I may feel like despairing now and then. It's just so hard to deny oneself, and pick up that cross which must be borne daily.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Formal happenings.
So I went to a fraternity formal in St. Louis yesterday evening, that was an interesting experience. The only formal I've been to before was actually a sorority formal with my evil twin last semester. Little different. For one thing, I was going with a girl, to a formal run by girls, at a place just over an hour away. This time I went with a guy, to a formal run by guys, at a hotel four hours away, in which we stayed overnight afterward. It was a lot of fun, but tiring. I'm not a big social person. I prefer small groups of people, and even then, after a while I just want to escape and be alone. There are actually very few people whose company I could stand and even desire to have for hours at a time. So even though it was a small group, about 30 or less people total, it was still too much for me after a while. I'm also not a big dancer. I'm not ashamed to admit it- I'm awkward, uncoordinated, and have a very poor sense of balance. So unless I'm with some really good friends, I hardly dance at all. Now of course, being a music major, I love music, so I always wind up grooving to the beat in my chair or as I stand, singing along if I know the song, but I rarely actually full-out dance. It was fun watching others dance and just observing, as I do wherever I am, but I got tired of that after a while too. I kinda wanted to dance, but I also didn't want to make a fool of myself in front of a lot of people I don't really know, and I knew that about halfway through the song, though I would have had fun for a while, I'd tire of looking ridiculous and moving around in all the silly motions known as dancing, and would want to sit again. I did dance a few times though. My date made me dance a few songs with him, and then I danced to a couple line dances (which I love), and to another song with one of my girl friends there.
As usual at any social event containing people I know and am at least semi close to, there were things that frustrated and upset me last night. Things people did, words that were said, the thoughts behind words, or just the lack of thought, and by the time the night was over I was rather disappointed, frustrated, and just tired. The whole evening wasn't terrible or anything, despite all the negative thoughts I've put forth so far. The food was great, and I had a really good table of people to share it with. A lot of good laughs, and for the most part I really enjoyed watching the people there, listening to most of the music, and even dancing to some of it. I also enjoyed getting to know the girl I was sharing a room with a little better. But I guess overall the whole experience just left me tired, physically, emotionally, and socially. I just can't take that many people (esp when I know less than half of them) for that length of time, am not a party-type, and was definitely ready for it to be over. Then to top it off, after all the socializing was finally over, I went to bed and ended up laying awake for most of the night. I don't sleep well in new beds, and I was sharing this one, which also makes things tough for me. But my mind was also incredibly full, so I ended up just laying awake from about quarter of two in the morning until about five in the morning before I finally slept, kindof. We got up at 8:30 in order to get back to school in time for a concert I was performing in, so I am quite exhausted now from the events of last night and the lack of sleep. However, since it is only just about 9 here, it's far too early to be going to bed yet. I decided to update my blog, even though now I realize this is rather cryptic and negative, and though I am quite often cryptic I usually strive to remain positive, or at least only show my positive side.... Oh well. I'm going to call home soon since I haven't done so in close to two weeks, and then I'm going to go sit outside in one of my favorite spots and wrestle through stuff. It does help a bit just to write about some stuff.
As usual at any social event containing people I know and am at least semi close to, there were things that frustrated and upset me last night. Things people did, words that were said, the thoughts behind words, or just the lack of thought, and by the time the night was over I was rather disappointed, frustrated, and just tired. The whole evening wasn't terrible or anything, despite all the negative thoughts I've put forth so far. The food was great, and I had a really good table of people to share it with. A lot of good laughs, and for the most part I really enjoyed watching the people there, listening to most of the music, and even dancing to some of it. I also enjoyed getting to know the girl I was sharing a room with a little better. But I guess overall the whole experience just left me tired, physically, emotionally, and socially. I just can't take that many people (esp when I know less than half of them) for that length of time, am not a party-type, and was definitely ready for it to be over. Then to top it off, after all the socializing was finally over, I went to bed and ended up laying awake for most of the night. I don't sleep well in new beds, and I was sharing this one, which also makes things tough for me. But my mind was also incredibly full, so I ended up just laying awake from about quarter of two in the morning until about five in the morning before I finally slept, kindof. We got up at 8:30 in order to get back to school in time for a concert I was performing in, so I am quite exhausted now from the events of last night and the lack of sleep. However, since it is only just about 9 here, it's far too early to be going to bed yet. I decided to update my blog, even though now I realize this is rather cryptic and negative, and though I am quite often cryptic I usually strive to remain positive, or at least only show my positive side.... Oh well. I'm going to call home soon since I haven't done so in close to two weeks, and then I'm going to go sit outside in one of my favorite spots and wrestle through stuff. It does help a bit just to write about some stuff.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Being productive?
Now that I am without facebook I turn on my computer, check both my emails and sign into chat..... then realize that I have nothing else to do. I'm so used to signing into facebook, checking my notifications, using my stalker feed to find out everything everyone has done since the last time I was on, and doing more detailed stalking of specific people. Of course, I sign into the chat there too, and see if anyone gets on that I can talk with. The problem with facebook is that I can't just check it and be good. It's a live-updating thing..... so I stay on..... and keep refreshing and stalking people.... and keep checking on new things that come up.... and go back over old stuff..... and it just eats all my time. Now, I check my emails and I'm done. I feel like I may start being more prodcutive. I guess I was a bit more focused last night as I was preparing my sources for my final paper. Now that I don't have anything else to do on my computer, I have the feeling that I will be able to actually start on work I need to do and focus on it without the distraction of constantly refreshing my facebook page. Actually, I'm feeling good about not having facebook, if you can believe it. I miss it, but at the same time, I feel good and even relieved. This is good. This is what I need. I'm still a little lost without facebook, but I'm finding my way. And now I know that if I get too dependant on facebook again, I can survive without it and will deactivate it again.
Hmm, I never did talk about why I decided to deactivate in the first place. Well, you can kinda get part of the picture from what I said earlier about how much time I spend just stalking and following up on everything on there. And obsessing about refreshing and checking for new stuff. It just ate so much of my time and I really fell into quite an unproductive rut. I would also end up getting almost depressed, in a sense, because either no one was interacting with me, no one had noticed or said anything about rough times I was going through, or one of the biggest depressing factors was seeing all the stuff going on in my friends' lives. There are a lot of upsetting things to be seen in people's news feeds. I won't explain in detail, but I was just getting upset over things I was seeing, and especially things going on with people I care about. I was getting too involved and it wasn't good for me. So I removed myself from it all. Definitely needed a break and time to refocus.
Now I must be off to studio class and then actually do some studying! (and sleep..... I get to sleep tonight..... Mmmm, that will be wonderful.)
Hmm, I never did talk about why I decided to deactivate in the first place. Well, you can kinda get part of the picture from what I said earlier about how much time I spend just stalking and following up on everything on there. And obsessing about refreshing and checking for new stuff. It just ate so much of my time and I really fell into quite an unproductive rut. I would also end up getting almost depressed, in a sense, because either no one was interacting with me, no one had noticed or said anything about rough times I was going through, or one of the biggest depressing factors was seeing all the stuff going on in my friends' lives. There are a lot of upsetting things to be seen in people's news feeds. I won't explain in detail, but I was just getting upset over things I was seeing, and especially things going on with people I care about. I was getting too involved and it wasn't good for me. So I removed myself from it all. Definitely needed a break and time to refocus.
Now I must be off to studio class and then actually do some studying! (and sleep..... I get to sleep tonight..... Mmmm, that will be wonderful.)
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
A time of divesting and refocusing.
I haven't been here for a while.... I may.... no guarantees, but just may blog more over the next two weeks. I have deactivated my facebook and intend to remain without out it for these next two weeks. Depending on how this goes, I may do similar things now and then, or after i get back on I may turn right around and deactivate it for another several weeks. I won't get rid of it permanently. It's such a good tool to stay connected with a wide range of people, and let's face it, I like to stalk! I like to find out what's going on in everybody's lives. But right now, I have too much to deal with and am in the process of removing a lot of things and trying to fix my focus on where it needs to be. Yes I'm going to be pretty vague (and by that I mean very), but I do want to write about things a bit. Plus I'm going to miss updating facebook whenever something happens or I just feel like sharing something. Not that it matters so much here, since pretty much nobody actually reads this.... but who knows, if I make a habit of deactivating facebook for a while, I can let people know about my blog and maybe more people will read it. That would be nice. I'll just have to be careful not to treat it too much like my journal... can't get too personal, ya know. ~_^ I was thinking the other day.... journaling is such a strange concept. I don't know about most people and how they approach it, but to me it feels like I'm talking to myself. I mean, I'm talking, I'm opening up and spilling what's on my heart and mind, but to whom? The book is inanimate, so it's kinda weird to address the book. But it's not like a letter to another person, because generally they aren't for anyone else's eyes. (at least I know mine isn't.) So yeah, I feel like it's just another way for me to talk with myself, and that way is sanctioned by the general populace. See, I'm one of those people who talks to themself all the time. Like literally, out loud, pretty much everywhere. I'll be talking as I walk around and catch myself just as people are passing within earshot, restrain the flow until they've past, then continue with a so anyways.... It's kindof a bad habit I fear. I can't help but think that journaling enhances that though. It's just talking to myself about what's going on and reliving conversations and situations on paper instead of out loud.
But anyway, I kindof digressed, and now I have to shower and go see a concert, so I'll have to get back to my main point in a later post.
But anyway, I kindof digressed, and now I have to shower and go see a concert, so I'll have to get back to my main point in a later post.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
puzzle pieces and realizations.
I used to enjoy puzzles when I was younger. Loved going through all the pieces and figuring out where they went in order to recreate the pretty picture. In real life, however, things are different. You don't always know what the picture is supposed to be, and all the pieces don't necessarily come in the box. You have to look for them, but you don't always know where or even what you're looking for.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It's strange how things change when you find yourself on the opposite end of things. Say you're in a situation, but you don't know what to do or what to think, then suddenly you find yourself on the opposite end of a similar situation and you realize things you couldn't from the other end. Yeah, that's me right now.
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It's strange how things change when you find yourself on the opposite end of things. Say you're in a situation, but you don't know what to do or what to think, then suddenly you find yourself on the opposite end of a similar situation and you realize things you couldn't from the other end. Yeah, that's me right now.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Winter Term
So I'm back at school and into the last week of Winter Term. Feels so weird! I'm definitely not ready for the semester to start yet. There's so much I was hoping to accomplish over winter term, but have not been able to do so. Of course, I haven't exactly been managing my time very well. I've been practicing a good amount, though not as much as I had intended to. I have been spending more time with people and getting to know some of my classmates better, so that's good. Thing is, haha, I still have not completely unpacked from break..... *shhh* I'll get to that eventually. Need to make a clean start to the semester. Also need to get myself back into a decent sleeping schedule. Well, I guess that unless I get scheduled for work early in the morning, I could actually sleep to a later hour during the semester on Tue, Thu, and Fri. But all the same, it's not good for me to stay up as late as I do all the time. But I love the night time! I love sleep too, but I can do that anytime. kinda. But I love the quiet at night and being able to hang out and be goofy. Hm. Choices. Anyway, time to get back to stuff. I waste too much time online. Going to actually hang out with the girls I live with. It's sad how little I see them, even though I live with them.
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