A whirlwind journey over four years.

A lot can happen in just four years. I've been thinking about the past four years a lot today in particular. In some ways they feel like so much more than just four years, but in other ways, I cannot believe that it's been four years. The time has passed all too quickly. And man has there been a lot packed into those four years. Today was actually a special day for me. On the surface it was just like any other day- work at the post office, some studying, paper writing, orchestra rehearsal, class, group project meeting, more homework (and soon to be closed off by a talk with my boy), but this day held much more significance for me. Four years ago today, I undertook what I hoped (and still hope) was the final step in dealing with a problem I've had to deal with since I was 9 (well, officially then, though I actually had it years before then). Namely-- Four years ago today I went under the knife for my second major brain surgery (first one was when I was 9). Yeah, not all of you knew about that, did you? So I'll just go ahead and say it-- I have epilepsy, caused by a brain tumor, Oligodendroglioma to be specific. I tend to avoid the subject for the most part. When I was much younger, I didn't really care too much and didn't really think about it. I really closed off on the subject when I was about 15 or so. That was when the seizures returned. As I approached the time for surgery number two, I tried to force myself to deal with everything by pretending it wasn't a big deal and making myself talk about it. After I went to college that fall, however, I hid away that part of me from most everyone. It wasn't until a couple years ago that I really explored just why I felt the need to hide this part of me and discovered a lot of trauma and hard memories buried away in my past that I didn't want to confront. Though I still feel rather uncomfortable on the subject, I have now been able to address the issues and fears from my past, and accept them. I cannot adequately express how grateful I am to the people who have been instrumental in this process in at least some small way, with a couple particular people helping in major ways.

Perhaps someday I'll come back to this subject, but I just wanted to start with it as it's what got me thinking about time and the past four years in the first place. (I also want to finish this post before it becomes midnight and is no longer technically "today".) So after that surgery, there was a long recovery process. I still had some high school work to finish up, and then I gave a senior recital during the summer. In the fall, I was off to college. Actually, if you look back at four years ago today, that was such a pivot point for me and my life. The surgery brought me from a place of struggling with my epilepsy to the point of being past it, hopefully for good. At that point in time, I was also reaching the end of the life I had always known, at home, a "homeschooler". In the fall, I would go off to college, way out in Indiana, and start a new chapter in my life. College has brought so many changes into my life and has been such a whirlwind four years. I feel like I've been here for so long. Almost like I've always been here, and of course I'll always be here. But at the same time, it feels so short, and I am NOT ready for it to be over.

In these four years, I have made many wonderful friendships, have experienced the ups and downs of relationships, discovered a deep love for music theory (what can I say? I'm a nerd!), have developed close ties with many of my professors and with the community, have truly received a "well-rounded education", have finally discovered my passion and have a direction for my future, have been blessed to participate in four weddings (bridal party for two of them and music for the other two), and have learned so much about myself. You know what I've realized? Some people may say you change a lot during these years, and maybe some people do, but I don't think that's really the case for me. Of course I'm not exactly the same as I was four years ago, but it's not so much that I've changed but that I've grown. I am very much the same me, but I now know who I am more than I used to, have learned to open up and accept who I am and what I've been through, and have developed from there. I am not a different me now, I am just a fuller me, a more realized me, a real me.

The past four years have seen times of pain, of struggle, of tears, of despair, and of deep hurt; but they have also seen times of joy, of smiles, of silliness, of laughter, and of hope. And right now, I think I can safely say that I am at the best place I can ever remember being. I know what I want for my life. I may not know exactly how to get there, but I have a dream to follow. I have dealt with the demons in my past, and am in the process of leaving those shadows far behind. I am a much fuller version of me, and am so much more comfortable with myself than I have been since I was a young, oblivious child. And right now, I am in a relationship with a wonderful man, and it is so much better than anything I could have ever dreamed possible. I cannot keep from smiling and constantly have a song in my heart. Though I know I still have things to work through, and I know there will be rough times ahead, right now I am happier than I've ever been. I can now look at my future with great hope.

(And as it is almost midnight, I must post this. The flow is not as great as I would like it to be, and I kinda rushed through a lot of things without much explanation, but I really just wanted to write it all out and get it posted. :P)

Au Naturale: You are Beautiful, Just the Way You Are

There is such an emphasis on beauty in today's culture. Everything in movies, TV shows, ads, commercials, magazines, etc. is obsessed with beauty. The problem I have with that (or one of the problems, I should say), is that the focus is not on natural beauty, but rather, on all the things you have to have in order to achieve an artificial beauty. I'll admit. When I was younger, approaching age 16, I couldn't wait to be allowed to wear makeup. I wore my mascara, cover-up, and sometimes a bit of blush faithfully, every day. After a few years, I got tired of making that much effort and slacked off to wearing just mascara. Part of me always felt uncomfortable wearing makeup, and I always tried to wear as little as possible so that it wasn't apparent that I was wearing any. Of course, if I didn't want anyone to be able to tell that I was wearing makeup, why bother in the first place? That got me thinking about the whole makeup issue, but part of me still felt like I needed it. (You see, I am blonde and have very fair eyelashes, and though I had been complimented on the length of them, I always felt I needed mascara to make them visible.) The beginning of sophomore year I started having an allergic reaction to my mascara. I figured maybe it was because I was using waterproof mascara, and switched to another brand. No good, the skin around my eyes kept bothering me and getting worse and worse. So I stopped wearing makeup. Completely. Suddenly, I didn't have to spend the time every morning to put on my mascara, time every night to take it off, and I didn't have to worry about smudging it at any point in the day. I felt a little awkward for a while, going around without makeup. Then I started to realize that I really shouldn't. I don't want to be viewed as pretty just because I'm wearing makeup. As if it's the makeup that's pretty. I want to be pretty as just me, nothing added, nothing changed. I want to feel comfortable being natural.

Since when did it become necessary for women to use makeup? (Some of you may disagree with the following, but it is what I believe, and I won't refrain from speaking my beliefs for the possibility of someone disagreeing with me.) God did not create woman and then say 'Oops, I forgot something. You're not quite enough yet. Sorry, you're gonna have to create some products to cover up who you are and make yourself more attractive.' No. Not at all. God created man and woman, smiled, and said it was good. When did we decide it wasn't good? When did we decide it wasn't enough? (I'm sure at this point someone could bring up the issue of sin and how man and woman began to cover themselves and wear clothes. I'm not saying that clothes are also unnecessary... and I don't want to get into any kind of debate involving clothes and makeup. I'm just writing about my opinion.)

I am comfortable without makeup now. In fact, I feel very uncomfortable on the rare occasion that I wear makeup for something like a big performance, a formal, or a wedding. My wish is that all women could be comfortable with themselves au naturale. I wish that everyone would see and appreciate the natural beauty in themselves and others. I don't know who will read this, but I want you to know that you are enough, just the way you are. That you are beautiful, just the way you are. If you don't feel comfortable around others au naturale, how comfortable do you really feel with makeup, knowing that you have to use all these products and change how you look just to appear more attractive to others. What does that do to you inside? Do you think-- 'I'm not enough without the makeup. If people saw me without it, they wouldn't like me as much. I wouldn't be beautiful without it. I have to have the right cosmetics in order to be perceived as beautiful, and without them, I'm not.' Don't become just another product. Be you! Let people see you for who you are. Don't hide. It may be hard to get used to at first, but I guarantee you, people will look at you and think-- 'They are comfortable with who they are. They are confident in who they are. I like that.' If you are comfortable with yourself, that will come across to the people you interact with, and they will be more comfortable with you. I would love to see you, and to know that you are comfortable with who you are. And I would love for you to see others for who they are and encourage them to be comfortable with who they are. Because-- you are beautiful. Whoever you are.

Default Mode

So sometimes I really struggle with talking about things. Especially my fears and things that bother me. It's like if I can only cover them up, push them away, and bury them deep down, hidden away somewhere, then no one will need to know and I can pretend they don't exist. That was my default for a long time. When things frustrated me, bothered me, or hurt me, or when fears rose up to haunt me, I buried all those things away. Now and then I'd pull them out in secret to look at them before hiding them again. I didn't show those things to anyone else. I've never wanted others to know about the things I fear, that I struggle with, and that upset me. But. If I keep it all to myself and never let another see them, I won't be able to work past most of the issues. They will just simmer under the surface, never diminishing, and possibly festering and growing until they explode. I know that some of the things that I fear and that bother me cannot be worked out and dealt with by myself alone. They do not concern only me, and so they will take another person to work through them. I thought I had gotten to the point and place that I could be open about such things and talk about them. I have recently come to realize that I had only just barely dipped under the surface, and there is so much more buried so much deeper down. Just one look at all of it, one reminder that it's there, one event to trigger the myriad of thoughts, memories, and emotions, and I close up and retreat. Then I find myself buried away with them, locked up in a box, trying desperately to find a way out without revealing where I am and what is with me. Or trying desperately to find a way of showing someone what is there without opening the box and having everything explode out. I was so hoping I wouldn't have to deal with some of this stuff again. That situations now would reduce the significance of the issues I'd buried away, and make them irrelevant. That I would come to discover that my fears were unfounded, and could let them go. But the fact is, though fears can definitely be unfounded, they still exist and they still haunt. Though some issues may turn out to be irrelevant, they still happened and they still had/have an effect.

So in short, one little trigger has sent me back to my default. I don't want to be here, but I'm trapped here nonetheless. And this time, I don't want to sneak out the usual way and bury things deeper and further away. This time, I want to pull everything out with me and deal with it all. But I just don't know if I can do that.