Nightly Images

In the still of the night
With the moon shining bright
Idle thoughts fill my head
As I stray from my bed
Hear the wind sing to me
Soft and sweet as can be
Soothing my restless mind
With its melody kind
Bringing gently to view
Only pictures of you
And inside them I seem
Lost in this sleepless dream
Let me dream freely on
Happy I'd be til dawn

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This is a very old poem I found while cleaning and moving rooms this week. I found an old journal spanning from my senior year in high school to halfway through my freshman year in college. On the last page of the book I found this poem. I had forgotten all about it. I don't know when I wrote it, but it's not terrible.... so I decided to put it here for memory's sake.

The tinglies.

Little glittery rainbows

Shimmering and coursing down through me

(Because everyone knows that glittery rainbows flow down)

Sometimes they’re just little bursts in my stomach

Some other times they go streaming through my heart

Or they start in my throat and spread all through my chest and stomach

Those tinglies might go racing off my shoulders and down my arms

Shooting out of my finger tips in sparks of light

Now and then they even quiver through my legs, threatening to topple me over

(I suppose I can’t complain, as they’d be making me fall for you)

I know I said that glittery rainbows only flow down

But sometimes those tinglies swirl over, around, and all through my heart

Making me giddy with hope and happiness

As the sparkling fairy dust causes my heart to soar

Like those little, brightly colored plastic ponies

With sparkling wings and shiny, shimmering mane and tail

So childish, innocent, and completely free of care

And now images and memories of Lisa Frank come to mind

Full of pink and purple and rainbows

Puppies, Panda Bears, and Unicorns

All the bright little things that girls love

I’m not sure how I got here, but somehow it fits

It’s you and the things you do that bring me to this place

You fill me with sparkles of laughter and love

You turn the sky to ridiculous shades of rainbow fun

And all my girly, childish hopes and dreams

You are bringing those to life

The only way you could make this better

Is to finally get me my own unicorn

And maybe some ridiculously cute stickers

And tubes of glitter paint

And some absurdly pink stationary

And then I can write you sweet love notes

Signed with hugs and kisses

And those little ring stamps

You know, the pink and purple ones

With the smiley face heart

Or the little cats and dogs

Just remember what I said before

You make me so silly for you

So it’s your own fault

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This is the poem I've been talking about in my past few posts, debating whether or not I should go ahead and share it.This was written a couple months ago in a moment of sheer silliness and happiness. (In case you can't tell from reading it... :P)

Peace, Smiles, and Butterflies

I've never written anything quite like this before

But you inspire me to try

You didn't tell me to, but you don't have to

You know something? You make me do silly things

I am so silly for you

You. My wonderful boy

How could I not fall madly in like with you

When your voice embraces me with warmth and love

Every word filling me with joy

With peace, smiles, and butterflies

When your nearness intoxicates me

Your hugs envelop me with warmth, and pull me into the essence of you

Each kiss to my forehead or cheek is like one more cupid arrow finding its mark

How could I not write silly nonsense

When thoughts of you interrupt all else

And scramble any cognitive function with images of us together

Longing

A desperate ache to be with you

I am yours

A whirlwind journey over four years.

A lot can happen in just four years. I've been thinking about the past four years a lot today in particular. In some ways they feel like so much more than just four years, but in other ways, I cannot believe that it's been four years. The time has passed all too quickly. And man has there been a lot packed into those four years. Today was actually a special day for me. On the surface it was just like any other day- work at the post office, some studying, paper writing, orchestra rehearsal, class, group project meeting, more homework (and soon to be closed off by a talk with my boy), but this day held much more significance for me. Four years ago today, I undertook what I hoped (and still hope) was the final step in dealing with a problem I've had to deal with since I was 9 (well, officially then, though I actually had it years before then). Namely-- Four years ago today I went under the knife for my second major brain surgery (first one was when I was 9). Yeah, not all of you knew about that, did you? So I'll just go ahead and say it-- I have epilepsy, caused by a brain tumor, Oligodendroglioma to be specific. I tend to avoid the subject for the most part. When I was much younger, I didn't really care too much and didn't really think about it. I really closed off on the subject when I was about 15 or so. That was when the seizures returned. As I approached the time for surgery number two, I tried to force myself to deal with everything by pretending it wasn't a big deal and making myself talk about it. After I went to college that fall, however, I hid away that part of me from most everyone. It wasn't until a couple years ago that I really explored just why I felt the need to hide this part of me and discovered a lot of trauma and hard memories buried away in my past that I didn't want to confront. Though I still feel rather uncomfortable on the subject, I have now been able to address the issues and fears from my past, and accept them. I cannot adequately express how grateful I am to the people who have been instrumental in this process in at least some small way, with a couple particular people helping in major ways.

Perhaps someday I'll come back to this subject, but I just wanted to start with it as it's what got me thinking about time and the past four years in the first place. (I also want to finish this post before it becomes midnight and is no longer technically "today".) So after that surgery, there was a long recovery process. I still had some high school work to finish up, and then I gave a senior recital during the summer. In the fall, I was off to college. Actually, if you look back at four years ago today, that was such a pivot point for me and my life. The surgery brought me from a place of struggling with my epilepsy to the point of being past it, hopefully for good. At that point in time, I was also reaching the end of the life I had always known, at home, a "homeschooler". In the fall, I would go off to college, way out in Indiana, and start a new chapter in my life. College has brought so many changes into my life and has been such a whirlwind four years. I feel like I've been here for so long. Almost like I've always been here, and of course I'll always be here. But at the same time, it feels so short, and I am NOT ready for it to be over.

In these four years, I have made many wonderful friendships, have experienced the ups and downs of relationships, discovered a deep love for music theory (what can I say? I'm a nerd!), have developed close ties with many of my professors and with the community, have truly received a "well-rounded education", have finally discovered my passion and have a direction for my future, have been blessed to participate in four weddings (bridal party for two of them and music for the other two), and have learned so much about myself. You know what I've realized? Some people may say you change a lot during these years, and maybe some people do, but I don't think that's really the case for me. Of course I'm not exactly the same as I was four years ago, but it's not so much that I've changed but that I've grown. I am very much the same me, but I now know who I am more than I used to, have learned to open up and accept who I am and what I've been through, and have developed from there. I am not a different me now, I am just a fuller me, a more realized me, a real me.

The past four years have seen times of pain, of struggle, of tears, of despair, and of deep hurt; but they have also seen times of joy, of smiles, of silliness, of laughter, and of hope. And right now, I think I can safely say that I am at the best place I can ever remember being. I know what I want for my life. I may not know exactly how to get there, but I have a dream to follow. I have dealt with the demons in my past, and am in the process of leaving those shadows far behind. I am a much fuller version of me, and am so much more comfortable with myself than I have been since I was a young, oblivious child. And right now, I am in a relationship with a wonderful man, and it is so much better than anything I could have ever dreamed possible. I cannot keep from smiling and constantly have a song in my heart. Though I know I still have things to work through, and I know there will be rough times ahead, right now I am happier than I've ever been. I can now look at my future with great hope.

(And as it is almost midnight, I must post this. The flow is not as great as I would like it to be, and I kinda rushed through a lot of things without much explanation, but I really just wanted to write it all out and get it posted. :P)

When Goodnight is not Goodbye

I've been working on this for a couple weeks now. I still don't feel that it's *quite* right, but whenever I go back to it, I can't figure out what it is..... much less fix it. Anyway, I just wanted to post it now.

This is mostly inspired by the present, but set a little ways in the future.


Every time we say goodnight
The distance closes on us again
I am all alone once more
Just my silent thoughts and I
I wish that you could stay right here
And you would never have to leave

When we talk, we're together
I can feel you so close to me
As long as we keep talking
We can stay this way
Please don't say goodnight
I want you here with me

I love to feel our thoughts connect
To feel your strength as I sink into you
Your voice is like a warm embrace
Wrapping arms of love around me
I just want to lose myself in it
To surrender completely to its touch

I long for the day when we can stay
When goodnight doesn't mean goodbye
And we can just look at each other and say
I love you and I'll be here when you awaken
When that day comes, I can rest in your arms
And feel your heart beat as we drift into sleep

I know that we must part for now
But through the silence of distance
My thoughts will dwell on you
As my heart aches to be with yours
So goodnight my dearest
My most wonderful you

Ponderings on love.

Glancing at some pictures on facebook sparked a train of thought that I've embarked on a few times before. I'm never sure of the conclusion to that train of thought yet, I'm still stuck on the journey..... but I'm not sure of that either.

The basic questions is as follows-- does loving more openly mean you will be more loved? (or more importantly, vice versa.)

I'm not exactly the most open person. I feel things very deeply, but I tend to keep those feelings in a very deep place. It's hard for me to show people that I care, and how much I care. You see, that involves opening yourself up and letting people see you. That's a scary thing. Of course my family and closest friends know that I love them, but I'm not the most extroverted or demonstrative when it comes to showing them my love.

Now contrast me with someone who is more extroverted and demonstrative, and check out the reactions people give. Isn't it easier to love someone who is very open and outgoing with their love? Do you have a friend or family member who will openly tell you they love you, give you hugs all the time; who tells you what they love about you and what they love to do with you/want to do with you? Is it easy to respond in kind with that person and to love them back? Now. Do you have a friend or family member who is very subtle and quiet about their feelings? You know they love you, but they mostly keep it inside. Or at least they're not very passionate in how they show their love, but are more serious. It seems to me that it's easier to love the person who loves openly.

I don't even know how to describe where my thoughts go at this point.
--What if two people love and want the same thing. Could be anything. A stuffed doll, a trip to the beach, a date with a friend ,hugs, whatever. Both want the same thing, but one is more open and the other is quiet. Assume with me that others know that both people want the same thing. Would it be easier and more enjoyable for the giver to give to the one who professes their desire and joy more than the other?
--Does loving openly cause you to be easier to love, and be more loved? This one is hard to explain my thought process. What if you look at two different relationships. An openly affectionate girl and her significant other vs. a quiet, closed girl and her significant other. Will the openness of the one cause her s.o. to care more for her and grow with her more than the s.o. of the quiet girl? That's not a good example, but that's all I could come up with quickly.

I guess what this all boils down to are some old questions on love I have. Will those friends and relatives of mine who are more open be more loved than I, the one who is quiet about my affections? I feel like that's the case quite often. Or that though my affection is known, it can tend to go unacknowledged simply because I do not voice it and invoke a response. Will my love and affection appear to be less (and therefore the response of others to it) than the love and affection of a more open person?

Sometimes I think that it all boils down to fear in some sense. Fear of being known. I once started a post based on "to love is to be vulnerable." I never actually published it. Perhaps one of my biggest fears is that if I allow someone to get close to me, it involves me opening up to them, not just them opening up to me. Once the process starts on one end, it needs to be matched on the other end. But that doesn't make much sense in some ways. Take family and friends for example. I love them, I want them to love me. Shouldn't it follow, then, that I would not be scared to go ahead and love them openly? Somehow, it doesn't. I know in many other ways, I'm afraid to let people care for me, because I don't want to let them know me. But it's fine if I care for them..... which in the long run probably means I'll get hurt because I won't let them know me, and so they won't ever be able to really love me like I want them to.

(This is turning out to be far more emo than I had intended. And for those of you who read this now and then, these are general musings. They are based off of many past, present, and future scenarios and thoughts. The impetus for writing this did not come from a guy. I am not writing because of disappointments or hopes from a guy. Just for clarification.)