From the safety of a tree

There is this tree on campus, right in between one of the academic buildings and one of the fraternities, that I have been wanting to get into for a while now. It is a pretty big tree, which is part of the problem. The limbs are all quite large and pretty far apart, but they'd also be perfect for sitting on. I decided that today was the day to get into the tree. (I have tried once before, but I wasn't totally committed at the time.) This time, I was determined to get in it, no matter what. I was not going to "try", I was going to "do" it! So, changing into bum jeans and sweatshirt (for it is just about 50 degrees out there), I made my way to the tree. The lowest branch is about level with my head and about as big around as my torso. I attempted to wrap my arms around it, then my legs, so that from the position of hanging underneath it, I could potentially rotate around until I was on top of it. Ha, that didn't work. It was too big and there were no handholds I could use to pull myself around. After several failed attempts, I went around to the other side of the tree. Another large branch, about half a foot higher up than the other one, split into two segments about a foot out from the trunk of the tree. Those two sections were about as big around as my legs, or slightly smaller. Using both of them, I was able to finally pull myself up. There were some scary moments, but I had finally made it into the tree. Once on that branch, I realized that I was stuck. All the other branches were so big and far apart that I couldn't really get to them. One giant limb split out of the tree at about the same level as my branch, a little over a foot around to the right of my branch. My branch felt really exposed, and was not really a very safe perch. The other limb looked like the perfect, safe, and strong place to be. But I couldn't get to it. I had finally worked up the courage and determination to get into the tree. Through several attempts and near disasters, I had made it to the first level. But when it came time to progress further and get to the next level- one of safety and security, I couldn't do it. I couldn't work up the faith to make the dangerous leap to that place. I tried to shift my position little bit by little bit so I could try different approaches, but still couldn't do it. There was no branch above me that I could use as a handhold to pull myself to standing, and no smaller branches to the side I could use. Everything was so big and removed from me, and I was stuck, exposed, just sitting on that one limb. After sitting in disappointment for a while, I slid off my branch and walked away sadly.

My mind was called by the memory of an overlooked little tree, hiding in a corner of the rarely used courtyard outside of the music building, buried between the two Comm wings. I quickly made my way over there and decided to renew my acquaintance with the little thing, and become friends. The little evergreen was still young, but it was strong and wiry. There were plenty of handholds, and the branches were the perfect size to wrap my hand around and enabled me to pull myself up with confidence. It was a little tricky weaving my way through all the branches of the young tree, and the size of the branches diminished rapidly as I ascended, as well as becoming denser. But it was wonderful. Here was a challange I was ready for. I stopped just above the one-story roof of the music building beside me. Sitting on one branch, left leg tucked slightly behind me braced on one branch, and right leg braced on a branch directly below. My left arm hooked around the trunk of the tree and over a branch right in front of me, while my right arm draped across a branch that extended from the trunk out accross me, almost like a seat belt, only chest height. My left side was braced against the tree trunk, and the side of my face was pressed into the tree. In that position, I felt so safe, secure, and hidden away. As the tree was an evergreen, the branches were not bare, and provided a cover in the gathering darkness as I enjoyed the tree's company in solitude. It began to mist out in the world around me, but I was safe and sheltered within the covering of the tree. I began to relax and release some of the tension I had been holding onto. As I felt the tension slipping away, I  began to see what was lying under the tension. And in that place, so removed from the reality of everyday life and hidden from the eyes of those who wouldn't see me anyway, I could explore where I was and dig into those things lying underneath all the tension. As such issues cannot be easily or quickly solved and cast away, I eventually had to end my reflections and leave the tree. I have only begun to wrestle with the issues I have uncovered, but at least they are no longer buried deep down and festering in the darkness.

Old LOTR adventures with two fellow fanatics.

I was doing some cleaning in the basement over the summer when I came across a box of memories. Among other things in the box, I found a couple pieces of paper, folded together. On those pieces of paper were the drafts to an old adventure series I kept up with two dear friends. These adventures, were continuations of the Lord of the Rings. These two friends are the ones responsible for making me finally watch and read the LOTR series, and I ended up falling in love with it as much as they. As a group, we decided that we needed more, and what was already written was not enough. Therefore, we assigned each other characters, and started our own continuation of the series. We were very proud of our method.See, we employed the High Tech computer of Middle Earth as a means of recording and sharing our adventures. For example, one of my characters sits down at the computer to write out a letter to another character, and then something comes up to distract that character or some trouble comes up, and they have to leave the computer. That is the point when the computer takes over and starts recording everything that takes place. Eventually, the computer sends the message to whoever its intended recipient is. The computer always managed to come along on the adventures, whether the character was running off to battle, escaping someone, rescuing someone, exploring, etc. (But of course, we'd actually send those emails to everyone, so we could all keep up with the adventure.) From that point, someone else would pick up the adventure and continue it. What would be fun were the times when one person's characters were visiting another person's characters, and then the person in charge of the characters being visited got to include all the characters there in their next section of the adventure, not just their own characters. We had a lot of fun with all this. Of course, we were much younger, and looking back on it, haha, a lot of it was pretty silly and almost embarrassing. I do not remember what adventure was going on that required this ransom note, but here are the two drafts of it that I found. I'm thinking the (tbd) at the end meant that I had not yet decided who was sending the note..... I'm assuming that I eventually did, before I typed the final version and sent it. Following the ransom notes is a draft of a section in some adventure. It really is quite silly, but it is kindof fun to look back at what we wrote.

My Lord Imrahil,

If you value the life of your daughter, you will follow my every order with the utmost precision. You will leave all your troops behind, unarmed, and with orders to do all my bidding. You will come, with only one servant for the lady, to the place my messengers will show you. There, if you relinquish your throne and right to call yourself prince to me, your life and your daughter's will be spared. If you wish the life of my lord, the King Eomer, to be spared as well, just hope his men will comply with my terms. I look forward to our meeting.

Oh, and one more thing. You will not alert any of your friends or allies of your plight. That is, of course, if you value the life of your daughter.
Sincerely,
(tbd)

My Lord Imrahil,
If you value the life of your daughter you will follow my every order with the utmost precision. I have you surrounded by my troops, and if you show any resistance, they will destroy you and send runners to me, and I will have my men use L for target practice. Now, if you wish your life to be spared, and the life of your daughter, you will hang white sheets, rags, cloths, or what-have-you, out of all your windows, and surrender all your weapons to my men. Then you will go with the men who brought this message to the place they will show you. If you so desire, you may bring one servant, for milady. When you arrive at the designated meeting place, you will relinquish your throne and right to call yourself prince to me, and I will hand over your daughter to you. Oh, and one more thing. You are not to alert any of your friends or allies to your plight. Unless you wish to make your daughter's death slow and tortuous.
Sincerely,

--------------------------------------------------

(next morning, the sun has barely risen.) My rest is disturbed by a slight rustling at the mouth of the cave. Eomer is sitting up and peering outside. Then he gets up, strings his bow, and silently leaves. Nothing happens. About an hour and a half later, Eomer comes back with two rabbits and some plants. He builds a small fire outside and starts - ugh! Oh how terrible! Oh! *gag* He's cutting the skin off those poor creatures! See how deftly his knife moves, he must be experienced! Oh, oh! *shudder* I can't watch this, thank goodness Lothiriel is still asleep! I shall just watch her in her peaceful sleep . . . Just as the smell of rabbit stew, ugh, starts wafting through the air, Lothiriel stirs, then sits up, yawning.
L- What is that smell! It smells delightful!
E- It is breakfast. Would you care to join me?
L- Yes, I believe I would. I don't remember when I ate last.
(They sit down and E dishes out some stew for them both)
L- How is it that you are so prepared?
E- I had to be prepared during the war of the ring. You never knew when you would be on the move.
L- Oh, you were in the army?
(Eomer looks sideways at her)
E-Yeah, I was in the army. Now, eat before it gets cold.
(pause)
L- This is good, may I ask what's in it?
E- Will- of course. There are rabbits, and there's-
L- *gasp*
 Rabbits? You mean, dead rabbits?
E- I would hardly call them live. Why?
L- You, you killed rabbits? Sweet, furry, innocent, little bunny rabbits? And you're eating them! How, how-
E- I'm sorry if I offend you, but what would you have me do, let us starve? We have no idea how long we will be here, so it's either eat wildlife or starve. I apologize for putting it so bluntly, but there are no other options. You should finish your stew so we can get moving, not that we know where to go.
L- I, I've lost my appetite. I think I'll look around for some berries.
E- I think there were some over there. Don't go out of sight of the cave, I wouldn't want anything to happen to you. We don't need to get separated now.
(Shortly afterward, E began cleaning up the breakfast mess and packed up their things. Just as he was saddling his horse, L came back with tell-tale stains on her hands and face.
E- (laughing) I see you found your breakfast, there's a little stream behind that hill you can wash in.
L- Thank you.
(After L washed and E packed up everything, E offers for L to ride his horse while he walks. She declines, saying she needs exercise.)
E- So, which way should we go? Obviously we won't continue in the direction we were travelling last night.
L- It doesn't really matter that much now I guess. We are hopelessly lost.
E- Nothing is hopeless, my lady, there is always hope.
(The start to move very slowly to the East. If they would only stop to pay attention to me, they would see that I have a built-in compass. I know where we are at all times, but no, computers don't know anything.

From Darkness Into Life and Love

A trust that has been shattered is no easy fix

It’s not enough to wrap it up tight in a box

Lid firmly down, lock securely latched

Hoping no one will ever notice or care

One day someone will come along

They’ll want to see inside and know you

Then comes the panic, the rush of fear

I can’t let them see, the mess is too great

Can what was broken be made whole

Do I dare let them touch the pieces

The terrible longing to try, to release

The desperate hope that all is not lost

The desire to be whole and open consumes

But defenses are not easily lifted and let go

Will the bruised spirit have the faith to fly

The need to try outweighs the fear

Hope fights despair, and battles the terror

Uncertainty is the vice, the eager trap

But freedom must be obtained

The warmth of the smile softens the bonds

Delight awakens the flickering spirit

Awakens and gives it wings to soar

Will I have the courage to lift off

Or will fear and uncertainty prevail

One thing I now know to be true

I feel so alive when I’m with you

This desire to let you in is alarming

Never have I felt it so strongly

Now is the time to take the leap

A new adventure is waiting for me

The release of poetry

Yep-- seems that I am incapable of writing a truly positive piece of poetry.
Working on something new right now.
I'll put it up at some point in the near future.
I had forgotten how much I open up when writing poetry.
Perhaps it is because poetry is often symbolic, and sometimes cryptic.
I don't have to say exactly what I think, but simply the feelings.
All the things I keep inside can be aired out through the imagery of poetry.
And sometimes the deepest things can be conveyed with the most simple image.

As the unwritten words are calling to me, I must leave.
The completed piece will appear soon, so check back over the next couple days if you're interested.

Scars

(This is a reposting of a piece of poetry I wrote a couple years ago and had originally put up on my old blog. Lately I've been thinking a lot about how things from the past affect things in the present, and just wanted to share a little.)

this is the way of scars
the wound may be small
it may be big
it may be deep
it may be long
but always the pain

some heal quickly
some refuse to heal
some grow infected
some bleed long
some take a life
all leave a scar

the wound may heal
but the scar will remain
the pain may be gone
but the memory of it stays
never the same
forever scarred

you can hide them
but they will never leave
joke about them
yet still they hurt
pretend they're not there
but there they remain

A Look At the Past

The other day I made my way over to my previous blog (which I vacated some time ago), in search of a particular post I had made. In looking for that post, I started to read through all my old entries. It was quite an experience to look back on those times during which I blogged. There was a lot of stress and turmoil in my life at the time, and it is very evident in my writing. In my life at the time, I tried to pretend the problems were not there, and tried to hide them from others, and even myself. But I could not hide them when I wrote. See, when I write, it is usually my way of trying to make enough sense of what I'm thinking to be able to put my thoughts into words. And so, when I wrote, I had to confront my thoughts, acknowledge them, and share them with others.

One thing I noticed in going over those posts was the presence of several poetic bits of writing. I had completely forgotten about all of them. Oftentimes when something really touches me emotionally, whether positive or negative (though mostly negative), I feel inspired to write about it. Those responses tend to be more poetic in nature. I have not done as much of that sort of writing lately, and what I do write I have not shared with others. As it is, I made a few of my pieces private in my old blog, feeling now that they were too personal to allow others to see. I have realized that up to this point, I have never completed a positive piece of poetry. I have written short bits in response to things, but have never completed one. It's hard to write something positive without ending up sounding ridiculously cheesy and mushy, even if the subject matter isn't that cheesy.

Anyway, I'm debating reposting some of my old posts here. Some of those posts mean a lot to me, and I rather like them, but most of them don't really fit where I am in life now, compared to where I was when I wrote them. I will probably repost my old Ode to My Practice Room, as that one remains so true to this day, as well as a very long rant about something I feel very strongly about. Beyond that.... we'll see. Maaayyybe I'll post a link to my old site for those who feel so inclined to peruse. (I've noticed a trend in my writing.... I tend to ramble and write incredibly long posts. More so there than here, though some of my posts here can certainly be long. I should work on that... need to condense.)

Ice Day(s)!

So back home in CT everyone is getting slammed with crazy snow storms. Well, out here in Indiana, we got majorly slammed with an ice storm! By yesterday evening the county had issued a level 1 weather emergency, and travel was restricted to emergency vehicles only. The University was closed down yesterday and today as well. This is a pic from yesterday, before phase two of the ice hit, but you can see already how the trees were laden down by the ice. It was crazy! Well, it still is, and it's even worse. We've had lots of falling limbs and power lines.

The branches don't look like this anymore, as now they have at least a full inch of ice on them, but this pic will give you an idea, anyway. Just before phase two started to hit yesterday evening, I went outside with two of my roommates to have a bit of an adventure in the ice. The cars were (still are) completely iced over. Like, there is no way anyone is going to get in their car for a very long time. One car we saw on the side of a road had been completely smashed in the back by a giant, ice-covered limb that had fallen. It was sad.

It is very Narnia looking out there-- Always winter, never spring. It certainly looks like everything is permanently frozen over, has been for a long time, and will continue to be for an indefinite amount of time. It's actually really cool! I know it's scary, how much ice there is covering everything, but it's so beautiful! I'm so glad we haven't had classes, so I can just enjoy seeing the ice out there. And not die while trying to walk through it.....

This is how the grass looked yesterday.... Individual blades were coated with ice, and it was so amazing! When we ventured out to explore and adventurize, we had a lot of fun crunching across the grass, feeling it break under our feet. Hahaha, it was like a premature stress-reliever. (we've only had one day of classes so far this semester, so not much stress has built up yet, but still....) One of the girls was so funny. She is one of the sweetest creatures you will ever meet, and she was the one to get us started stomping on the grass. She was enjoying "killing" various things, because the were so frozen that if you shook them or tried to crack the ice off, you'd end up actually breaking the branch/leaves/grass/what-have-you off. I stole all these pictures from a very artistic friend of mine who put up a very large album on facebook. I'm hoping someone will put up more pictures from today. This afternoon we all ventured out to the home of a family who lives just off campus.Their eldest daughter graduated from DePauw last year, and the mom is a member of my knitting group.

They are an absolutely wonderful family, and they like to have college students over to their house every Tuesday evening for dinner. Due to the extreme weather conditions yesterday, we postponed dinner until a mid-afternoon deal today. Walking over there was amazing! Due to the new layer of ice, the grass was completely covered, no lumps poking out, and most of the footprints and tracks made in the sidewalks were also filled in. It was so slippery! I slid most of the way, and it was such funnn! I kindof want to go adventuring tonight and slip and slide my way around campus. It would be so awesome by moonlight!

But anyway, I should actually read some stuff for my psych class tomorrow. I just wanted to put up a few pictures and talk about the adventure the past couple days have turned out to be. Fortunately, we never lost power and had to be relocated like a couple places had to be.