Sticking to the path.

I know I just wrote earlier this evening, but I'm taking a little break from my paper to ease my heart and mind. I have started on a journey. Well, I suppose I've been on it for a while now. It's part of the whole puzzle thing I've talked about a couple times now. Thing is, though I know I need to be on this path, I can't see where it's going or what's ahead of me. I don't like that. I like to know what's coming and I like to plan. I like to organize and know what's going on, if not be somewhat in control of it all. Those things aren't a part of my journey. Actually, the absence of those things is part of the point of the whole journey. The times of trial are when another path connects with mine for a while, then branches off, or I come to a break in the path,.I desperately want to go down the other path, though I know I need to stick to my own. I don't like my path. It's hard, confusing, I don't know where I'm going, and I can't see my way. When those other paths show up, though they belong to another person, I just want to quit mine and divert down the other one. Maybe they'll lead to the same place.... or maybe they'll reconnect later down the road.... Oh it's so hard to keep to the path I'm on. Once again, that difficult act of denying myself and carrying that cross daily.

Long Week

It's been a long week, and I have a much longer one ahead of me. I have a presentation in class on Wednesday, the materials for which I need to turn in to my prof tomorrow so she can go over them with me. (I haven't really started on all that yet.) Turns out another prof will be visiting our class that day. yay. Extra pressure. Whatever I come up with for my presentation will end up being time wasted though, since I know my prof will completely change the direction of all of it and I'll have to redo it all. (that's what she did for my earlier presentation, and what she's done for most everyone else in the class.) I also have a giant timeline due on Wednesday for which I've been gathering information most of this week and all weekend. Thursday I have a quiz in Psych, and Friday I have a big paper due for Symphonic Lit. Next week on Tuesday the rough draft for my final paper in Psych is due.... so I will have to work on that this week as well. Oy.

I'm feeling rather burnt out. I have actually been spending a lot of time this week studying and doing my homework, which is good. But the problem is that when I stay up really late working on things, especially score study to prepare for class and such, I just don't sleep well when I go to bed. I tend to have strange dreams anyway, but they seem to be getting more and more restless over the past year or so. Sometimes when the weather is nice, or if I just really need it, I'll go outside and walk around or just sit for a while. Across the way from the set of duplexes I live in is this little athletic park/trail place. I love that little area. I can't tell you how many evenings in the past couple weeks I have gone and just sat on the little slope leading into whatever field that is (field hockey maybe?), or gone and walked through the labyrinth. Actually, I've been spending a lot of time outside. I've been replacing my facebook time with being outside and actually studying more. I don't think a day has gone by in a while that I haven't spent at least half an hour just sitting by the mushroom fountain or somewhere in the athletic park. It's just so much easier to think and pray outside. I've been doing a whole lot of that lately, but I still haven't found the answers I'm looking for.

Remember that puzzle I mentioned earlier? It's hard to say sometimes (and now is one of those times), but I think I've been finding several pieces lately. (Actually, it's probably more like they've been laid out for me to find.) Sometimes I'm just not sure if what I'm finding is a piece or not, and I still don't have a clear idea of how to fit them all together. I will keep working on it all, though I may feel like despairing now and then. It's just so hard to deny oneself, and pick up that cross which must be borne daily.

puzzle pieces and realizations.

I used to enjoy puzzles when I was younger. Loved going through all the pieces and figuring out where they went in order to recreate the pretty picture. In real life, however, things are different. You don't always know what the picture is supposed to be, and all the pieces don't necessarily come in the box. You have to look for them, but you don't always know where or even what you're looking for.

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It's strange how things change when you find yourself on the opposite end of things. Say you're in a situation, but you don't know what to do or what to think, then suddenly you find yourself on the opposite end of a similar situation and you realize things you couldn't from the other end. Yeah, that's me right now.