So sore

I took a free weights class at school this last semester. It was good. I didn't really learn much of anything from the class itself, but I did get many tips and exercises from a few of my classmates. It was such a good thing for me to be using the gym. I had class twice a week, and I tried to get in the gym two or three more times besides that each week. It felt great to be exercising and getting into some kind of shape, as well as developing my body. When I came home, I attempted to get myself into the habit of some form of exercise, but I knew it wouldn't be nearly as extensive as at the gym, and that I wouldn't be able to stick with it for long.
I started off going for a jog up and down the street almost every day, plus a few other leg exercises and pushups. As I expected, that attempt did not last longer than a week. I decided to get a gym membership for the summer. In doing so, I was given a free session with a trainer. That session convinced me to sign up to meet with a trainer once each week. I had two sessions with the original man (both in the same week), I think he must be the head guy or something, and maybe he evaluates people... I dunno. Those were both rather tiring, but esp. the second one, as it was a cardio test and basically left me dead at the end. After that I have now had two sessions with my real trainer. Both of those sessions left me so tired that I was stumbling to the car afterward.
Unfortunately, though I have a membership now, and a trainer to stimulate me to work harder and do more, I only went into the gym once last week besides my session. I did do a few things with an exercise ball at home another day, and Saturday I went through the whole regimen from the previous session. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be to find time to get over to the gym. What with working most days, family stuff, and working on staining my grandparents' porch (they live 40 minutes away), I don't have much free time. But the first trainer I met with was right. Having a trainer to meet with once a week does provide that extra push to keep you working. Knowing now just how hard he'll push me in my sessions really makes me feel the need to actually go exercise more throughout the week so I can develop those muscles which he completely wears out in my sessions, both because now I'm aware of how much they need it, and so that he can't wear me out that completely again the next time.
Yesterday's session wore my legs down to rubber. I had to lean heavily on the railing as I stumbled down the very shallow steps like an infirm old lady. I was afraid that if I did not take very shallow, careful steps across the parking lot that my legs would just give way and I'd helplessly fall to the ground. That worn out feeling has now given way to intense soreness. It burns just to crouch down to sit on the toilet! Oy I need to work out more. I think by the end of the semester I had rather plateaued, and now I am getting that push up to a higher level. I thought I was in such great shape (for me at least) when I came home. Still can't run, never was a runner, but I was pretty well developed everywhere else. Turns out I had barely touched on things, and the way I was exercising was not the most efficient. I can work harder and better in just half an hour with a trainer than I did in an hour on my own at school. This will be incredibly good for me, but first I need to relocate and renew the enthusiasm I initially had for working out when I signed up. Haha, they had several forms for me to fill out at the beginning, and one section on one of them had me rate how motivated I felt to exercise and get in shape. I was still hyped up from what I had been able to do at school, and really wanted to continue that and push it farther, so I answered 9 on a scale of 1-10. I think I've dropped down to a 4 or 5..... I despaired a bit after those sessions, but now I'm ready to re-energize and get working!

Climbing Trees

I climbed our old maple tree today. It was wonderful. Growing up, we all referred to that maple in our front yard as "the climbing tree". We all enjoyed clambering into it and sitting in that perfect seat, or climbing up as high as we could. We have some old pictures of various children in it, and I think we have one somewhere with Geoff, Sarah, myself, and Nathan in it somewhere. I've always loved climbing trees. I love the exhilaration and challenge of pulling myself ever higher, and I love just perching somewhere and enjoying the feeling of sitting in the tree. There aren't many trees that are good for climbing at school. There are a couple that I can find a perch in, but can't really "climb" them. One of my last nights there, I found a tree with a friend that I could actually climb up a ways before sitting. That was really fun. There was a few weeks that I didn't have the opportunity or make the time to climb up into a tree and sit. It was nice to have that one night at the very end of the semester. Now I've been home for two weeks, and I finally went up in a tree again. I don't think I've sat in our climbing tree since two summers ago, and I don't think I actually climbed higher in it at that point. It's been a while.

I spent the middle of the day working at pruning our rhododendrons, which for two of them involved a bit of climbing. Those bushes had gotten big! I didn't want to risk that rickety ladder to get at the higher branches, so as much as possible, I just reached and pulled a branch down until I could cut the tops. The middle ones were too tall for me to do that on two of the bushes, and I ended climbing up the center of the bush a ways before I could do some cutting. I got pretty dirty with showers of bark, dead bits of flower, seeds, leaves, and branches falling on my head and all down and in my shirt. When I finished my pruning, it was just such a lovely day that I didn't want to go inside yet, and as I was already quite dirty, I decided to climb the tree.

Some of our best branches are now missing cause Daddy removed them a few years back. It made me sad, but at least I could still use the rounded stumps of some of them as footholds to climb. I couldn't sit on some of the old branches anymore, but at least I could climb. I went up higher than I think I've gone before,  but I could only climb and lean against various points of the trunk; there were no places to sit up there. Later on when I was back on the ground, I looked up and located a crotch that I may be able to sit in, if I can get up to it. That crotch is pretty high up, higher than I've ever gone. It might be rather dangerous to attempt to get up there. After my climbing excursion, I went back down to the original crotch of the tree to just sit. That first crotch has got to be one of the most comfortable sitting places in any tree. I will have to get a picture of it later and add it to this post.

I don't know how interested anyone will be in reading a post about a tree, but I really love trees. It's always so calming for me to be able to sit in a tree. I love nature in general, but trees hold a special place in my heart. Maybe it's because in a tree, I can hide in a sense; in a tree, I can sit back in the security of strong branches; in a tree, I can breathe in the smells of nature; in a tree, I can have color and life all around me, above and below; in a tree, I am removed from all the normalness of life and can escape the stress and pressures; in a tree, I can revert to innocent, childish days. Maybe I'm just rambling, trying to explain just why I love trees and how being in one feels to me, but I don't even really understand myself.

Anyway, I'll stop rambling now. I will get pictures of the tree (and perhaps me in it...) to put in here eventually. I will also keep you updated if I ever climb up to a higher spot to sit. (cause I know you're all so very interested...)

Letting Go

I know it's been a long time since I've written. The last couple weeks at school were really rough, and definitely some of the most stressful weeks at school I've experienced. Finals week was a killer. Not that I had a bunch of bad finals or anything, I actually had papers instead. For me, though, I think that was worse, or at least, having that many papers was worse. I had four large papers plus another large project due finals week, and consequently wrote over 50 pages of material, plus my large project that week. It was really rough. But I finally made it through, packed everything away, and flew home.

Now that I'm home, there are things I must confront and work out. As suggested by my title, I have to do some letting go. Some things will be quite a relief to let go of, such as the tremendous pressures and stress of keeping up with my homework and maintaining good grades. Other things will be harder. At the same time that I must let go of some of my stricter lifestyles from school life, I must also let go of some of my lazier ones. There are certain attitudes I need to let go of, masks and cloaks I need to let go of, automatic reactions I need to let go of, personal desires I need to let go of, and emotions I need to let go of. Needless to say, there's a lot, and it will be hard. I get into ruts when I'm at school. Or maybe it's that I feel I can escape and hide away in various ways when I'm at school, but all that is disrupted when I go home.

I haven't spent more than a week or two at home in a very long time. (well, I guess I spent just over two weeks at home over Christmas break) The last time I spent more time than that at home was the summer between freshman and sophomore year. (that would be summer of 08. Two years ago. That's a long time. The atmosphere is different at home. Very different. I'm now used to the school atmosphere, and the atmosphere of the little town. I'm used to the people there, and the various means of escaping. There's always another room to go to, there's always another building to go to, there's always a place outside to go to, always a tree to go to, always other people to hang around with or to avoid. Here, it almost feels like I'm stuck. I love my family dearly and wouldn't really wish to be anywhere else. But, it's hard to be stuck in my little house to no place to escape to for privacy and a chance to try to work things out. I really miss just leaving my duplex at night and going across the street to the athletic park. I miss walking the labyrinth at night, and just sitting on the edge of the hill. I miss my various tree friends. I just miss the freedom, solitude, and the familiar habits I had at school. There were certain places, and even times, that became connected with thinking and wrestling through things. Now I don't have those and I don't really know what to do. It would be easier if I had my own room, but we don't have enough rooms for that, and I'm sharing with my sister.

It's just such a different atmosphere here at home. I feel almost like I end up being one person at school and another person at home, but it's not quite that bad. Maybe it's just that I can't quite fit in at school, and I also don't quite fit in back home. The mold I left can no longer hold me when I return. Part of why I don't feel like I don't really fit in anywhere is due to the various obstacles I have constructed. Emotional obstacles, habitual obstacles, and obstacles of disguise. These are part of the things I need to let go. I don't really know how to get started on everything, but I'm going to try. The sooner the better, I guess, but it's so much easier to just sit around a relax....