Nightly Images

In the still of the night
With the moon shining bright
Idle thoughts fill my head
As I stray from my bed
Hear the wind sing to me
Soft and sweet as can be
Soothing my restless mind
With its melody kind
Bringing gently to view
Only pictures of you
And inside them I seem
Lost in this sleepless dream
Let me dream freely on
Happy I'd be til dawn

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This is a very old poem I found while cleaning and moving rooms this week. I found an old journal spanning from my senior year in high school to halfway through my freshman year in college. On the last page of the book I found this poem. I had forgotten all about it. I don't know when I wrote it, but it's not terrible.... so I decided to put it here for memory's sake.

A whirlwind journey over four years.

A lot can happen in just four years. I've been thinking about the past four years a lot today in particular. In some ways they feel like so much more than just four years, but in other ways, I cannot believe that it's been four years. The time has passed all too quickly. And man has there been a lot packed into those four years. Today was actually a special day for me. On the surface it was just like any other day- work at the post office, some studying, paper writing, orchestra rehearsal, class, group project meeting, more homework (and soon to be closed off by a talk with my boy), but this day held much more significance for me. Four years ago today, I undertook what I hoped (and still hope) was the final step in dealing with a problem I've had to deal with since I was 9 (well, officially then, though I actually had it years before then). Namely-- Four years ago today I went under the knife for my second major brain surgery (first one was when I was 9). Yeah, not all of you knew about that, did you? So I'll just go ahead and say it-- I have epilepsy, caused by a brain tumor, Oligodendroglioma to be specific. I tend to avoid the subject for the most part. When I was much younger, I didn't really care too much and didn't really think about it. I really closed off on the subject when I was about 15 or so. That was when the seizures returned. As I approached the time for surgery number two, I tried to force myself to deal with everything by pretending it wasn't a big deal and making myself talk about it. After I went to college that fall, however, I hid away that part of me from most everyone. It wasn't until a couple years ago that I really explored just why I felt the need to hide this part of me and discovered a lot of trauma and hard memories buried away in my past that I didn't want to confront. Though I still feel rather uncomfortable on the subject, I have now been able to address the issues and fears from my past, and accept them. I cannot adequately express how grateful I am to the people who have been instrumental in this process in at least some small way, with a couple particular people helping in major ways.

Perhaps someday I'll come back to this subject, but I just wanted to start with it as it's what got me thinking about time and the past four years in the first place. (I also want to finish this post before it becomes midnight and is no longer technically "today".) So after that surgery, there was a long recovery process. I still had some high school work to finish up, and then I gave a senior recital during the summer. In the fall, I was off to college. Actually, if you look back at four years ago today, that was such a pivot point for me and my life. The surgery brought me from a place of struggling with my epilepsy to the point of being past it, hopefully for good. At that point in time, I was also reaching the end of the life I had always known, at home, a "homeschooler". In the fall, I would go off to college, way out in Indiana, and start a new chapter in my life. College has brought so many changes into my life and has been such a whirlwind four years. I feel like I've been here for so long. Almost like I've always been here, and of course I'll always be here. But at the same time, it feels so short, and I am NOT ready for it to be over.

In these four years, I have made many wonderful friendships, have experienced the ups and downs of relationships, discovered a deep love for music theory (what can I say? I'm a nerd!), have developed close ties with many of my professors and with the community, have truly received a "well-rounded education", have finally discovered my passion and have a direction for my future, have been blessed to participate in four weddings (bridal party for two of them and music for the other two), and have learned so much about myself. You know what I've realized? Some people may say you change a lot during these years, and maybe some people do, but I don't think that's really the case for me. Of course I'm not exactly the same as I was four years ago, but it's not so much that I've changed but that I've grown. I am very much the same me, but I now know who I am more than I used to, have learned to open up and accept who I am and what I've been through, and have developed from there. I am not a different me now, I am just a fuller me, a more realized me, a real me.

The past four years have seen times of pain, of struggle, of tears, of despair, and of deep hurt; but they have also seen times of joy, of smiles, of silliness, of laughter, and of hope. And right now, I think I can safely say that I am at the best place I can ever remember being. I know what I want for my life. I may not know exactly how to get there, but I have a dream to follow. I have dealt with the demons in my past, and am in the process of leaving those shadows far behind. I am a much fuller version of me, and am so much more comfortable with myself than I have been since I was a young, oblivious child. And right now, I am in a relationship with a wonderful man, and it is so much better than anything I could have ever dreamed possible. I cannot keep from smiling and constantly have a song in my heart. Though I know I still have things to work through, and I know there will be rough times ahead, right now I am happier than I've ever been. I can now look at my future with great hope.

(And as it is almost midnight, I must post this. The flow is not as great as I would like it to be, and I kinda rushed through a lot of things without much explanation, but I really just wanted to write it all out and get it posted. :P)

Old LOTR adventures with two fellow fanatics.

I was doing some cleaning in the basement over the summer when I came across a box of memories. Among other things in the box, I found a couple pieces of paper, folded together. On those pieces of paper were the drafts to an old adventure series I kept up with two dear friends. These adventures, were continuations of the Lord of the Rings. These two friends are the ones responsible for making me finally watch and read the LOTR series, and I ended up falling in love with it as much as they. As a group, we decided that we needed more, and what was already written was not enough. Therefore, we assigned each other characters, and started our own continuation of the series. We were very proud of our method.See, we employed the High Tech computer of Middle Earth as a means of recording and sharing our adventures. For example, one of my characters sits down at the computer to write out a letter to another character, and then something comes up to distract that character or some trouble comes up, and they have to leave the computer. That is the point when the computer takes over and starts recording everything that takes place. Eventually, the computer sends the message to whoever its intended recipient is. The computer always managed to come along on the adventures, whether the character was running off to battle, escaping someone, rescuing someone, exploring, etc. (But of course, we'd actually send those emails to everyone, so we could all keep up with the adventure.) From that point, someone else would pick up the adventure and continue it. What would be fun were the times when one person's characters were visiting another person's characters, and then the person in charge of the characters being visited got to include all the characters there in their next section of the adventure, not just their own characters. We had a lot of fun with all this. Of course, we were much younger, and looking back on it, haha, a lot of it was pretty silly and almost embarrassing. I do not remember what adventure was going on that required this ransom note, but here are the two drafts of it that I found. I'm thinking the (tbd) at the end meant that I had not yet decided who was sending the note..... I'm assuming that I eventually did, before I typed the final version and sent it. Following the ransom notes is a draft of a section in some adventure. It really is quite silly, but it is kindof fun to look back at what we wrote.

My Lord Imrahil,

If you value the life of your daughter, you will follow my every order with the utmost precision. You will leave all your troops behind, unarmed, and with orders to do all my bidding. You will come, with only one servant for the lady, to the place my messengers will show you. There, if you relinquish your throne and right to call yourself prince to me, your life and your daughter's will be spared. If you wish the life of my lord, the King Eomer, to be spared as well, just hope his men will comply with my terms. I look forward to our meeting.

Oh, and one more thing. You will not alert any of your friends or allies of your plight. That is, of course, if you value the life of your daughter.
Sincerely,
(tbd)

My Lord Imrahil,
If you value the life of your daughter you will follow my every order with the utmost precision. I have you surrounded by my troops, and if you show any resistance, they will destroy you and send runners to me, and I will have my men use L for target practice. Now, if you wish your life to be spared, and the life of your daughter, you will hang white sheets, rags, cloths, or what-have-you, out of all your windows, and surrender all your weapons to my men. Then you will go with the men who brought this message to the place they will show you. If you so desire, you may bring one servant, for milady. When you arrive at the designated meeting place, you will relinquish your throne and right to call yourself prince to me, and I will hand over your daughter to you. Oh, and one more thing. You are not to alert any of your friends or allies to your plight. Unless you wish to make your daughter's death slow and tortuous.
Sincerely,

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(next morning, the sun has barely risen.) My rest is disturbed by a slight rustling at the mouth of the cave. Eomer is sitting up and peering outside. Then he gets up, strings his bow, and silently leaves. Nothing happens. About an hour and a half later, Eomer comes back with two rabbits and some plants. He builds a small fire outside and starts - ugh! Oh how terrible! Oh! *gag* He's cutting the skin off those poor creatures! See how deftly his knife moves, he must be experienced! Oh, oh! *shudder* I can't watch this, thank goodness Lothiriel is still asleep! I shall just watch her in her peaceful sleep . . . Just as the smell of rabbit stew, ugh, starts wafting through the air, Lothiriel stirs, then sits up, yawning.
L- What is that smell! It smells delightful!
E- It is breakfast. Would you care to join me?
L- Yes, I believe I would. I don't remember when I ate last.
(They sit down and E dishes out some stew for them both)
L- How is it that you are so prepared?
E- I had to be prepared during the war of the ring. You never knew when you would be on the move.
L- Oh, you were in the army?
(Eomer looks sideways at her)
E-Yeah, I was in the army. Now, eat before it gets cold.
(pause)
L- This is good, may I ask what's in it?
E- Will- of course. There are rabbits, and there's-
L- *gasp*
 Rabbits? You mean, dead rabbits?
E- I would hardly call them live. Why?
L- You, you killed rabbits? Sweet, furry, innocent, little bunny rabbits? And you're eating them! How, how-
E- I'm sorry if I offend you, but what would you have me do, let us starve? We have no idea how long we will be here, so it's either eat wildlife or starve. I apologize for putting it so bluntly, but there are no other options. You should finish your stew so we can get moving, not that we know where to go.
L- I, I've lost my appetite. I think I'll look around for some berries.
E- I think there were some over there. Don't go out of sight of the cave, I wouldn't want anything to happen to you. We don't need to get separated now.
(Shortly afterward, E began cleaning up the breakfast mess and packed up their things. Just as he was saddling his horse, L came back with tell-tale stains on her hands and face.
E- (laughing) I see you found your breakfast, there's a little stream behind that hill you can wash in.
L- Thank you.
(After L washed and E packed up everything, E offers for L to ride his horse while he walks. She declines, saying she needs exercise.)
E- So, which way should we go? Obviously we won't continue in the direction we were travelling last night.
L- It doesn't really matter that much now I guess. We are hopelessly lost.
E- Nothing is hopeless, my lady, there is always hope.
(The start to move very slowly to the East. If they would only stop to pay attention to me, they would see that I have a built-in compass. I know where we are at all times, but no, computers don't know anything.

Scars

(This is a reposting of a piece of poetry I wrote a couple years ago and had originally put up on my old blog. Lately I've been thinking a lot about how things from the past affect things in the present, and just wanted to share a little.)

this is the way of scars
the wound may be small
it may be big
it may be deep
it may be long
but always the pain

some heal quickly
some refuse to heal
some grow infected
some bleed long
some take a life
all leave a scar

the wound may heal
but the scar will remain
the pain may be gone
but the memory of it stays
never the same
forever scarred

you can hide them
but they will never leave
joke about them
yet still they hurt
pretend they're not there
but there they remain

A Look At the Past

The other day I made my way over to my previous blog (which I vacated some time ago), in search of a particular post I had made. In looking for that post, I started to read through all my old entries. It was quite an experience to look back on those times during which I blogged. There was a lot of stress and turmoil in my life at the time, and it is very evident in my writing. In my life at the time, I tried to pretend the problems were not there, and tried to hide them from others, and even myself. But I could not hide them when I wrote. See, when I write, it is usually my way of trying to make enough sense of what I'm thinking to be able to put my thoughts into words. And so, when I wrote, I had to confront my thoughts, acknowledge them, and share them with others.

One thing I noticed in going over those posts was the presence of several poetic bits of writing. I had completely forgotten about all of them. Oftentimes when something really touches me emotionally, whether positive or negative (though mostly negative), I feel inspired to write about it. Those responses tend to be more poetic in nature. I have not done as much of that sort of writing lately, and what I do write I have not shared with others. As it is, I made a few of my pieces private in my old blog, feeling now that they were too personal to allow others to see. I have realized that up to this point, I have never completed a positive piece of poetry. I have written short bits in response to things, but have never completed one. It's hard to write something positive without ending up sounding ridiculously cheesy and mushy, even if the subject matter isn't that cheesy.

Anyway, I'm debating reposting some of my old posts here. Some of those posts mean a lot to me, and I rather like them, but most of them don't really fit where I am in life now, compared to where I was when I wrote them. I will probably repost my old Ode to My Practice Room, as that one remains so true to this day, as well as a very long rant about something I feel very strongly about. Beyond that.... we'll see. Maaayyybe I'll post a link to my old site for those who feel so inclined to peruse. (I've noticed a trend in my writing.... I tend to ramble and write incredibly long posts. More so there than here, though some of my posts here can certainly be long. I should work on that... need to condense.)

Climbing Trees

I climbed our old maple tree today. It was wonderful. Growing up, we all referred to that maple in our front yard as "the climbing tree". We all enjoyed clambering into it and sitting in that perfect seat, or climbing up as high as we could. We have some old pictures of various children in it, and I think we have one somewhere with Geoff, Sarah, myself, and Nathan in it somewhere. I've always loved climbing trees. I love the exhilaration and challenge of pulling myself ever higher, and I love just perching somewhere and enjoying the feeling of sitting in the tree. There aren't many trees that are good for climbing at school. There are a couple that I can find a perch in, but can't really "climb" them. One of my last nights there, I found a tree with a friend that I could actually climb up a ways before sitting. That was really fun. There was a few weeks that I didn't have the opportunity or make the time to climb up into a tree and sit. It was nice to have that one night at the very end of the semester. Now I've been home for two weeks, and I finally went up in a tree again. I don't think I've sat in our climbing tree since two summers ago, and I don't think I actually climbed higher in it at that point. It's been a while.

I spent the middle of the day working at pruning our rhododendrons, which for two of them involved a bit of climbing. Those bushes had gotten big! I didn't want to risk that rickety ladder to get at the higher branches, so as much as possible, I just reached and pulled a branch down until I could cut the tops. The middle ones were too tall for me to do that on two of the bushes, and I ended climbing up the center of the bush a ways before I could do some cutting. I got pretty dirty with showers of bark, dead bits of flower, seeds, leaves, and branches falling on my head and all down and in my shirt. When I finished my pruning, it was just such a lovely day that I didn't want to go inside yet, and as I was already quite dirty, I decided to climb the tree.

Some of our best branches are now missing cause Daddy removed them a few years back. It made me sad, but at least I could still use the rounded stumps of some of them as footholds to climb. I couldn't sit on some of the old branches anymore, but at least I could climb. I went up higher than I think I've gone before,  but I could only climb and lean against various points of the trunk; there were no places to sit up there. Later on when I was back on the ground, I looked up and located a crotch that I may be able to sit in, if I can get up to it. That crotch is pretty high up, higher than I've ever gone. It might be rather dangerous to attempt to get up there. After my climbing excursion, I went back down to the original crotch of the tree to just sit. That first crotch has got to be one of the most comfortable sitting places in any tree. I will have to get a picture of it later and add it to this post.

I don't know how interested anyone will be in reading a post about a tree, but I really love trees. It's always so calming for me to be able to sit in a tree. I love nature in general, but trees hold a special place in my heart. Maybe it's because in a tree, I can hide in a sense; in a tree, I can sit back in the security of strong branches; in a tree, I can breathe in the smells of nature; in a tree, I can have color and life all around me, above and below; in a tree, I am removed from all the normalness of life and can escape the stress and pressures; in a tree, I can revert to innocent, childish days. Maybe I'm just rambling, trying to explain just why I love trees and how being in one feels to me, but I don't even really understand myself.

Anyway, I'll stop rambling now. I will get pictures of the tree (and perhaps me in it...) to put in here eventually. I will also keep you updated if I ever climb up to a higher spot to sit. (cause I know you're all so very interested...)