Inspired Writing

I've been considering what to write, and if I should post a short poem that came to me last week, when I realized something about my writing. For the most part, I only write when I'm inspired by something. I don't just write poems and stories about random events, situations, or things-- I write about events, situations, and things in my own life. I cannot come up with a creative idea to write about unless it is inspired by things in my own life and experience. That's why I write the poems that I do, and that's why it can be so hard for me to actually share those poems. The poems that I attempted to write that were not truly from me always sounded forced and I was very unsatisfied with them. So now, most of the poems I have written, whether shared or unshared, come from a deep part of me that is experiencing something of what I wrote. The poems I write are about the hurt and the pain, the struggles and the journey, the hopes and dreams, and they are all mine.

I was trying to determine why I feel so reluctant to actually post what I've written, when I finally realized it's because I cannot pass something off as a cute idea I had, or as a response to something someone could be experiencing. No, the poems I write are about my own experiences, and every one of them means something to me. Every poem I write contains a little piece of me, and I can never decide if I really want to hold on to that piece or to share it with every one. So now it comes out. Rachel uses her writing, and especially her poetry, to express the thoughts and emotions going on inside of her. So when you read her writing, know that you are reading about her.

Anyway, that's what was on my mind. Later on I may post the poem I wrote last week. It's short. Possibly the shortest poem I've written. I feel like I should make it longer, but at the same time, it's complete as it is.

When Goodnight is not Goodbye

I've been working on this for a couple weeks now. I still don't feel that it's *quite* right, but whenever I go back to it, I can't figure out what it is..... much less fix it. Anyway, I just wanted to post it now.

This is mostly inspired by the present, but set a little ways in the future.


Every time we say goodnight
The distance closes on us again
I am all alone once more
Just my silent thoughts and I
I wish that you could stay right here
And you would never have to leave

When we talk, we're together
I can feel you so close to me
As long as we keep talking
We can stay this way
Please don't say goodnight
I want you here with me

I love to feel our thoughts connect
To feel your strength as I sink into you
Your voice is like a warm embrace
Wrapping arms of love around me
I just want to lose myself in it
To surrender completely to its touch

I long for the day when we can stay
When goodnight doesn't mean goodbye
And we can just look at each other and say
I love you and I'll be here when you awaken
When that day comes, I can rest in your arms
And feel your heart beat as we drift into sleep

I know that we must part for now
But through the silence of distance
My thoughts will dwell on you
As my heart aches to be with yours
So goodnight my dearest
My most wonderful you

Free to feel the poem.

I've been working on some poems, as well as looking back over older ones, and I'm noticing a trend. I try to maintain structure and control in my poetry. I'm never quite sure how to, but I try all the same. In my oldest works, I did my best to maintain a rhyming scheme and a rhythmic scheme. Or at least I'd attempt to have the same number of beats per line, while using a rhyming scheme. I was trying to be creative and express myself, but I was also confined by structure and rules. I needed to control where the poem was going and how. And so, much of my earlier works feel somewhat forced and artificial. There came a time when I couldn't open myself up enough to write any poetry, and so I didn't. For almost two years. Now I'm back to it, and though I'm freer, I'm still constrained by the need for some kind of structure and control. I realized that as I responded to my thoughts and wrote them down that I had abandoned the whole rhyming bit. I kindof miss that and the charm I think it can lend a poem, but I'm no longer restricted by the need for it. At the same time, I find that I'm still limited by the need to stick with a particular theme, and to still maintain some structure. In a sense, I suppose you could say that I still think my poetry, rather than feel it. I would like to get to the point where I can just feel the poem and be the poem. And then someday, if I can do that and still rhyme or structure it in some way, that would be amazing. But that would no longer be a restriction for me, but rather, an enhancer. First, though, I need to learn to be free to feel the poem.

Brief review of my old blogs

So, I have just revisited most of my old blogs. Wow was that a trip. Now, in an attempt to reassure myself that I really can write properly, lucidly, and seriously (among other things), I have determined it to be necessary to write a new post here. It was actually somewhat shocking and embarrassing to see what I was like and how I wrote just a few years ago. I started my first blog shortly before my 16th birthday, and blogged on some site or another pretty steadily almost until freshman year at college, took a break from spring of senior year in HS until second semester Freshman year in college, then got back into it. So yeah.... I was pretty young when I started my first blog. and I was going through various... issues.... Of course, there was the whole "trying to discover who I am and find my place" bit going on, and the "trying to break out of the mold of a 'homeschooler'" bit, and the typical teenage rebellion at times, as well as other contributing factors (one of which, probably the most major one, I may ellaborate on in here at another time). But anyway..... looking back over those blogs brought some embarrassment, an appreciation for where I am now, and made me relive a lot of memories I had completely forgotten about. I don't have much of anything I really want to write about right now, but I just need to prove to myself that I can write clearly, somewhat maturely, and to some kind of point.

It's kindof strange. I know college has changed me a lot, but I didn't appreciate just how much until I looked back on those blogs. I feel almost like a completely different girl from the one who used to write in those blogs. I can see traces of my younger self in who I am now, but I can also see that I have developed quite a bit and matured a great deal. (Of course.... I still have a ways to go, haha, but then again, you gotta keep a bit of the child within you at all times.)

Actually, I do have something just about ready to post. Another bit of poetry. It's not *quite* right yet. I don't know if I'll actually be able to get it "right", but in any case, I'm not quite ready to post it yet. Once again, it's not exactly a really positive piece of poetry, but it's not darker and even depressing like my older poetry. And it definitely has a cheese factor going for it... haha. But anyway, that post will make its way up here eventually, and then you can judge for yourself. For now, I really need to study for my Computational Neuro exam on Thursday......uggghhhh.