Politically INcorrect and Controversial

Those of you who know me may or may not have noticed that I never talk politics. At all. You may or may not know that I also do not intentionally read news, listen to news, or watch news. Ever. I pick up a few things from unavoidable hear-say now and then, and even catch brief glimpses or hear a few phrases of news stories, but I only rarely finish reading/listening or search out stories (unless they be any sort of animal story, in which case I will open the full story or stop to listen/watch the whole thing). But why is this the case? Well, you could always poke fun at me and say that I'm just a woman, and my silly head cannot handle the politics or form its own opinions on various matters. Or, you could say that I'd rather not think for myself and that I just simply follow the majority or the people with the greatest influence over me. But then again, it could be that I really am a hippie-wanna-be at heart and intend to someday seclude myself in a little cabin off in the woods somewhere. None of those are entirely correct, although little bits of each factor into the reality in some way.

I never took the time to really figure out what my thinking and reasoning was, or why I've always felt such an instinctual aversion to anything politics related.  Politics are stupid. I didn't want to bother with it all. In the end, how I felt or thought really doesn't matter at all, and no matter what stance I take, I will never have any influence on the big stupid-heads in charge of everything. So why bother being opinionated, informed, and perpetually upset? I don't like to be a disturber of the peace, I don't like being against people or to have others against me, I don't like to call attention to myself as an opposing side, and I especially hate to argue or debate. I hate conflict and contention, greatly preferring peace, unity, and acceptance. I vaguely recognized all this in myself before without ever really stopping to think about it or follow through to the next levels. At least, not until a couple weeks ago.

The Majestic had been appearing in various lists of suggestions on netflix for quite a while, and looking like an interesting movie, I finally watched it about two weeks ago. For those of you who haven't seen it, the film is set shortly after WWII in California, as a big push occurs to expose those of the communist party within the media, most especially in the film business. I'm going to spoil part of the end for you, but I have to in order to get my point across. Peter, the main character, had been pinned and blacklisted as a communist, even though it turns out that all he ever did was attend a few meetings in college that he didn't even know were communist affiliated, just to impress a girl he was seeing at the time. After suffering from amnesia, due to a head injury received from an automobile accident the night after he was blacklisted, Peter settles down in a small town where they (and after a time, he) are sure that he is one of their lost sons of the war. The press and other officials are sure that he is running from the law and that they've finally struck on an important communist leader of some sort, and they run wild with all their ridiculous conjectures.

When Peter is finally found out, months after the injury, all the media and officials involved are sure that Peter was hiding out with his follow communists in that town and they come rushing in, guns blazing (as it were), to drag him off for his big court case. Of course everyone involved quickly realize their huge mistake, and to hide their embarrassment, they prepare a statement for Peter to read at his trial, realizing the error of his ways and confessing the names of other communists, so that they can discharge him as quietly as possible and without any trouble. <<-- That is a point that really bugged me. The government made a huge mistake that really affected a man's life, yet all they were focusing on was how to cover it up and save face. After faltering for a while and almost going through with it, Peter faces up to the court, citing his rights in the constitution, according to the first amendment, and talking about the state of the government and the world that all those man had died for. Of course, the court was infuriated at his insolence as he "skate[d] on the very thin edge of contempt", but Peter was absolutely right in everything he said and the entire crowd gathered there knew it, and applauded him as he walked right out of that courtroom. Peter was sure he had just signed his own death wish, but the government, always protecting its own neck, decided to just let him go, and say that he had given them other names. See, they had made him a hero to the people, they couldn't afford to continue on and make him a martyr, too.

I would have left that movie experience annoyed at the stupid government people in the movie and how selfish they were, yet ultimately happy with the ending and so not given it too much thought afterward, had I not seen and heard stuff about the Trayvon Martin shooting a couple days later. I have not done a lot of research on the topic, and I do not want to, the little I know already frustrates me a great deal with our stupid, selfish government. The one article I read disturbed me very much, but the worst part was when I was looking for something down in the family room while my mom was watching the news and I heard a small update on the Trayvon Martin shooting issue, and the newscaster said something about in further research they found (or suspected) that Trayvon had some kind of history with marijuana dealing or usage. All I could think about after that was how again, the selfish, stupid government was trying to save face and cover up a mistake instead of facing it. All those big important people in their fancy suits are paid millions of dollars to say fancy things, get the people to trust and believe in them, and then never truly do more than just talk. All those politicians spend forever making big speeches about all their grand plans, all their visions for America and the ways we can grow, but very little of that ever comes to fruition. That is why I really hate getting involved in politics.

I know that should I take the time to actually read articles, listen to speeches, and follow the news, I would be informed on the actual state of things in our completely screwed up country and would live under a heavy cloud of frustration, disappointment, and disillusionment with our "wonderful" nation. Every little piece of news I've glimpsed or heard a bit of strikes a nasty chord in me and I shrink away before it can too strongly affect me. The fact is, everything is twisted around and completely screwed up in this country! Politicians get paid millions of dollars to talk and make a big selfish mess of everything (and there's something about their not having to pay taxes that I got a frustrating glimpse of at one point, and am not going to go find out all the details of). Athletes get paid millions of dollars to entertain us and be complete jerks. Pop stars are paid millions of dollars to entertain us and put trash in the ears of the next generations. And then you read bits of things about how those in the military don't actually receive 50% of their pay, even though they put their lives on the line for our screwed up, selfish country. Or about how Irena Sendler lost the Nobel Peace prize to Al Gore's slide show on Global Warming. And then you take a good look at the wretched state this country's education system is in, the massive attitude problems of everyone under the age of 60 or so, the deplorable state of marriage, the rampant sexuality, complete lack of morality, and..... if I were more informed, I could continue listing for a very long time.

The truth is, I know that inside, I rebel against everything that is happening in our world right now. Each bit of news I glimpse or hear disturbs me and hurts me, and I retreat deeper into my little shell, wishing that it really were possible for me to escape back in time to a place like Mayberry from the Andy Griffith Show, or at least to some little cabin back in the woods somewhere where I can grow my own crops, raise my own animals, and never go anywhere at all so I can just avoid all this mess. But as such wishing is futile, I am stuck with my only defense of trying my hardest to remain as uninformed as possible and so spare myself the pain of being helpless in the face of a miserable reality. I suppose you could say that one reason I love stories about animal rescues is because the care and thoughtfulness I see exhibited in those stories somehow helps cover up the completely opposite reality where humans are concerned.

For those who may be wondering, this is not the post I have been meaning to write since my last one, nor is this an April Fool's post. This is a completely serious post that (you may have noticed), has left me in a very gloomy, cynical mood. Which I suppose I will have to fix by looking at cute lolcats and watching some innocent Disney movie or something.

I miss school

My brother and various other people may think I'm crazy for it, but I truly do miss school. Yes, I mostly miss DePauw, my friends there, the professors, the community, and just the campus, but I also just miss being in school. I am so tired of being home, and I haven't even spent the entire summer here, either. I spent a week in PA for Creation Fest, spent another half a week in PA a couple months later, and am planning a visit to PA and OH in three weeks time. But still, I've been home for far too long. I really miss the freedom I have on campus. The freedom to wander whenever I get the urge, to change locations as often as I want, and socialize with whoever I want or just avoid people whenever I want. When I'm home, I'm stuck at home. I just have the one house. I live on a tiny, secluded little street, and I don't know any of my neighbors. I have spent my entire life in this house, but the only neighbors I once knew moved away years ago. The rest are mainly old retired folk. If I ever want to go anywhere else, I have to make a big ordeal of it with lots of planning, and I have to ask to use one of my parents' cars. And even then, I'd be alone. At school, I could easily walk from my duplex to the music building, or the park, the library, one of my trees, a friend's place, etc. Even if I started out alone, I could always have the guarantee of meeting some people along the way or at one of my destinations. But the biggest thing is that whenever I tired of being in one place, I could just get up and go wherever I wanted to. I so miss my night-time wandering of the campus. I miss my little study parties in the music building, I miss my late-night taco bell runs with my "little brother", I miss my girly nights at the duplex, I miss my fireside knitters, and I miss my classes.

It sounds weird, but in a way, I do actually miss homework. Yeah, it was a pain, but I always felt fulfilled when it was done, and especially when I knew it was done well. I really do enjoy learning things, and especially when it involves a passion of mine. Pretty much anything music related will get me going, and the nerdier the better. As my time at DePauw progressed, Psychology began to have a similar effect on me, and I will occasionally have minor geek-outs about psychology as well as music.  I really miss feeling like I was going somewhere with my life, or at least preparing to.... Now I'm just kindof stuck, have a rather useless degree, and nothing to do. Yes, I am planning on continuing my education, and finally doing what I know I want to do with my life, and hopefully I can start that venture in the spring. But for now, I'm stuck missing everything. And missing everyone.

Though I am more introverted, and am generally uncomfortable with people, I really, truly miss all the people at DePauw. I had a lot of friends (to some degree or another) at DePauw, and I am really missing that now. All my friends from home are either still in school somewhere, graduated with a job somewhere, or married.... and I feel very much alone. I'm stuck at home with nowhere to go, and no one to talk with or go places with anyway. I don't even really have a way of meeting and hanging out with people. I'm trying to work on that, though. I've never been the kind to just go up to people, introduce myself, and engage them in conversation. It's rather inconvenient.... But all the same, I am so tired of sitting at home, or going to work all by myself. Until this point I've been working the closing shift at the Big Y bakery, which is a solo shift except on weekends, but I am now being trained to do morning work, which is with other people. But I still don't have friends or even just random people to hang out with. I'm stuck with going to work and being at home. I cannot wait to start school again.

My plan of action:
Get into grad school, and stay there as much as possible (aka, summer sessions and the like)
Learn all the things I've been wanting to
Finally start a career in the field I long to work in
Get a home of my own
And somewhere in there I will get married

Nonfiction Lives

I love to read. I love finding a book (preferably from a series) that I can just got lost in and become a part of that world as I read. I get to see so many places, meet so many people, and experience so many things that I could never do in real life. Magical realms and old fashioned love stories are my favorite book worlds to escape to. But regardless of what kind of book I read, one of the things I enjoy most about books is the fact that they have a plot line.

Books are written with a beginning and an end, and it's all about the journey between those points. That journey and that end are already planned out, and everything in the book leads to that conclusion. I feel safer knowing that there is a plan, that everything has a purpose, the author has it under control, and everything is going to work out somehow. Unlike real life, I can see the whole journey in the book, I can follow the plan, and I get to know the ending. I love escaping to that alternate reality. But as much as I love books, and as much as I wish some aspects of those books could make their way over to real life, there are some things that I wish could just stay in the book world.

Characters who always take the wrong approach to things, who seem incapable of understanding, and who refuse to make any changes should stay in the book world where someone can deal with them there. Because, you know, such a character will be dealt with in some way, like being made to see reason, being subdued, having sense beat into them, being banished, just something. What I don't like is when such a character is in the real world, and there doesn't seem to be any way of successfully dealing with them. What do you do with someone who ranks above you, doesn't understand that they take the wrong approach to dealing with things, cause tension instead of relieving it, cannot relate to people, who does not understand how other people will and are responding, whose first reaction is to subdue and dominate to prove that they're in control, regardless of the fact that they can never get the results they want, and who explodes and retaliates to any attempt made to reason with them?

I hate the tension that comes out and the subtle feeling of hostility in the air. The sense of hopelessness that things can never be fixed. And I hate knowing that the one person who should be the one to deal with this character, has allowed themselves to be dominated, talked down, and belittled to the point that should they make a full effort now, they would have no effect. I am torn between the desire to take over and make things work, and the desire to run away to a time, place, and situation where I can escape all that and prove that things don't have to be that way. Prove that I won't be that way. To experience a life where I know things will never get that way, and will even be the exact opposite. Mutual trust, love, and understanding. A wonderful foundation to an amazing thing. That's my reality. That's the world I am living in, and proving that it doesn't just exist in books.

Default Mode

So sometimes I really struggle with talking about things. Especially my fears and things that bother me. It's like if I can only cover them up, push them away, and bury them deep down, hidden away somewhere, then no one will need to know and I can pretend they don't exist. That was my default for a long time. When things frustrated me, bothered me, or hurt me, or when fears rose up to haunt me, I buried all those things away. Now and then I'd pull them out in secret to look at them before hiding them again. I didn't show those things to anyone else. I've never wanted others to know about the things I fear, that I struggle with, and that upset me. But. If I keep it all to myself and never let another see them, I won't be able to work past most of the issues. They will just simmer under the surface, never diminishing, and possibly festering and growing until they explode. I know that some of the things that I fear and that bother me cannot be worked out and dealt with by myself alone. They do not concern only me, and so they will take another person to work through them. I thought I had gotten to the point and place that I could be open about such things and talk about them. I have recently come to realize that I had only just barely dipped under the surface, and there is so much more buried so much deeper down. Just one look at all of it, one reminder that it's there, one event to trigger the myriad of thoughts, memories, and emotions, and I close up and retreat. Then I find myself buried away with them, locked up in a box, trying desperately to find a way out without revealing where I am and what is with me. Or trying desperately to find a way of showing someone what is there without opening the box and having everything explode out. I was so hoping I wouldn't have to deal with some of this stuff again. That situations now would reduce the significance of the issues I'd buried away, and make them irrelevant. That I would come to discover that my fears were unfounded, and could let them go. But the fact is, though fears can definitely be unfounded, they still exist and they still haunt. Though some issues may turn out to be irrelevant, they still happened and they still had/have an effect.

So in short, one little trigger has sent me back to my default. I don't want to be here, but I'm trapped here nonetheless. And this time, I don't want to sneak out the usual way and bury things deeper and further away. This time, I want to pull everything out with me and deal with it all. But I just don't know if I can do that.

From the safety of a tree

There is this tree on campus, right in between one of the academic buildings and one of the fraternities, that I have been wanting to get into for a while now. It is a pretty big tree, which is part of the problem. The limbs are all quite large and pretty far apart, but they'd also be perfect for sitting on. I decided that today was the day to get into the tree. (I have tried once before, but I wasn't totally committed at the time.) This time, I was determined to get in it, no matter what. I was not going to "try", I was going to "do" it! So, changing into bum jeans and sweatshirt (for it is just about 50 degrees out there), I made my way to the tree. The lowest branch is about level with my head and about as big around as my torso. I attempted to wrap my arms around it, then my legs, so that from the position of hanging underneath it, I could potentially rotate around until I was on top of it. Ha, that didn't work. It was too big and there were no handholds I could use to pull myself around. After several failed attempts, I went around to the other side of the tree. Another large branch, about half a foot higher up than the other one, split into two segments about a foot out from the trunk of the tree. Those two sections were about as big around as my legs, or slightly smaller. Using both of them, I was able to finally pull myself up. There were some scary moments, but I had finally made it into the tree. Once on that branch, I realized that I was stuck. All the other branches were so big and far apart that I couldn't really get to them. One giant limb split out of the tree at about the same level as my branch, a little over a foot around to the right of my branch. My branch felt really exposed, and was not really a very safe perch. The other limb looked like the perfect, safe, and strong place to be. But I couldn't get to it. I had finally worked up the courage and determination to get into the tree. Through several attempts and near disasters, I had made it to the first level. But when it came time to progress further and get to the next level- one of safety and security, I couldn't do it. I couldn't work up the faith to make the dangerous leap to that place. I tried to shift my position little bit by little bit so I could try different approaches, but still couldn't do it. There was no branch above me that I could use as a handhold to pull myself to standing, and no smaller branches to the side I could use. Everything was so big and removed from me, and I was stuck, exposed, just sitting on that one limb. After sitting in disappointment for a while, I slid off my branch and walked away sadly.

My mind was called by the memory of an overlooked little tree, hiding in a corner of the rarely used courtyard outside of the music building, buried between the two Comm wings. I quickly made my way over there and decided to renew my acquaintance with the little thing, and become friends. The little evergreen was still young, but it was strong and wiry. There were plenty of handholds, and the branches were the perfect size to wrap my hand around and enabled me to pull myself up with confidence. It was a little tricky weaving my way through all the branches of the young tree, and the size of the branches diminished rapidly as I ascended, as well as becoming denser. But it was wonderful. Here was a challange I was ready for. I stopped just above the one-story roof of the music building beside me. Sitting on one branch, left leg tucked slightly behind me braced on one branch, and right leg braced on a branch directly below. My left arm hooked around the trunk of the tree and over a branch right in front of me, while my right arm draped across a branch that extended from the trunk out accross me, almost like a seat belt, only chest height. My left side was braced against the tree trunk, and the side of my face was pressed into the tree. In that position, I felt so safe, secure, and hidden away. As the tree was an evergreen, the branches were not bare, and provided a cover in the gathering darkness as I enjoyed the tree's company in solitude. It began to mist out in the world around me, but I was safe and sheltered within the covering of the tree. I began to relax and release some of the tension I had been holding onto. As I felt the tension slipping away, I  began to see what was lying under the tension. And in that place, so removed from the reality of everyday life and hidden from the eyes of those who wouldn't see me anyway, I could explore where I was and dig into those things lying underneath all the tension. As such issues cannot be easily or quickly solved and cast away, I eventually had to end my reflections and leave the tree. I have only begun to wrestle with the issues I have uncovered, but at least they are no longer buried deep down and festering in the darkness.

Formal happenings.

So I went to a fraternity formal in St. Louis yesterday evening, that was an interesting experience. The only formal I've been to before was actually a sorority formal with my evil twin last semester. Little different. For one thing, I was going with a girl, to a formal run by girls, at a place just over an hour away. This time I went with a guy, to a formal run by guys, at a hotel four hours away, in which we stayed overnight afterward. It was a lot of fun, but tiring. I'm not a big social person. I prefer small groups of people, and even then, after a while I just want to escape and be alone. There are actually very few people whose company I could stand and even desire to have for hours at a time. So even though it was a small group, about 30 or less people total, it was still too much for me after a while. I'm also not a big dancer. I'm not ashamed to admit it- I'm awkward, uncoordinated, and have a very poor sense of balance. So unless I'm with some really good friends, I hardly dance at all. Now of course, being a music major, I love music, so I always wind up grooving to the beat in my chair or as I stand, singing along if I know the song, but I rarely actually full-out dance. It was fun watching others dance and just observing, as I do wherever I am, but I got tired of that after a while too. I kinda wanted to dance, but I also didn't want to make a fool of myself in front of a lot of people I don't really know, and I knew that about halfway through the song, though I would have had fun for a while, I'd tire of looking ridiculous and moving around in all the silly motions known as dancing, and would want to sit again. I did dance a few times though. My date made me dance a few songs with him, and then I danced to a couple line dances (which I love), and to another song with one of my girl friends there.

As usual at any social event containing people I know and am at least semi close to, there were things that frustrated and upset me last night. Things people did, words that were said, the thoughts behind words, or just the lack of thought, and by the time the night was over I was rather disappointed, frustrated, and just tired. The whole evening wasn't terrible or anything, despite all the negative thoughts I've put forth so far. The food was great, and I had a really good table of people to share it with. A lot of good laughs, and for the most part I really enjoyed watching the people there, listening to most of the music, and even dancing to some of it. I also enjoyed getting to know the girl I was sharing a room with a little better. But I guess overall the whole experience just left me tired, physically, emotionally, and socially. I just can't take that many people (esp when I know less than half of them) for that length of time, am not a party-type, and was definitely ready for it to be over. Then to top it off, after all the socializing was finally over, I went to bed and ended up laying awake for most of the night. I don't sleep well in new beds, and I was sharing this one, which also makes things tough for me. But my mind was also incredibly full, so I ended up just laying awake from about quarter of two in the morning until about five in the morning before I finally slept, kindof. We got up at 8:30 in order to get back to school in time for a concert I was performing in, so I am quite exhausted now from the events of last night and the lack of sleep. However, since it is only just about 9 here, it's far too early to be going to bed yet. I decided to update my blog, even though now I realize this is rather cryptic and negative, and though I am quite often cryptic I usually strive to remain positive, or at least only show my positive side.... Oh well. I'm going to call home soon since I haven't done so in close to two weeks, and then I'm going to go sit outside in one of my favorite spots and wrestle through stuff. It does help a bit just to write about some stuff.

Being productive?

Now that I am without facebook I turn on my computer, check both my emails and sign into chat..... then realize that I have nothing else to do. I'm so used to signing into facebook, checking my notifications, using my stalker feed to find out everything everyone has done since the last time I was on, and doing more detailed stalking of specific people. Of course, I sign into the chat there too, and see if anyone gets on that I can talk with. The problem with facebook is that I can't just check it and be good. It's a live-updating thing..... so I stay on..... and keep refreshing and stalking people.... and keep checking on new things that come up.... and go back over old stuff..... and it just eats all my time. Now, I check my emails and I'm done. I feel like I may start being more prodcutive. I guess I was a bit more focused last night as I was preparing my sources for my final paper. Now that I don't have anything else to do on my computer, I have the feeling that I will be able to actually start on work I need to do and focus on it without the distraction of constantly refreshing my facebook page. Actually, I'm feeling good about not having facebook, if you can believe it. I miss it, but at the same time, I feel good and even relieved. This is good. This is what I need. I'm still a little lost without facebook, but I'm finding my way. And now I know that if I get too dependant on facebook again, I can survive without it and will deactivate it again.

Hmm, I never did talk about why I decided to deactivate in the first place. Well, you can kinda get part of the picture from what I said earlier about how much time I spend just stalking and following up on everything on there. And obsessing about refreshing and checking for new stuff. It just ate so much of my time and I really fell into quite an unproductive rut. I would also end up getting almost depressed, in a sense, because either no one was interacting with me, no one had noticed or said anything about rough times I was going through, or one of the biggest depressing factors was seeing all the stuff going on in my friends' lives. There are a lot of upsetting things to be seen in people's news feeds. I won't explain in detail, but I was just getting upset over things I was seeing, and especially things going on with people I care about. I was getting too involved and it wasn't good for me. So I removed myself from it all. Definitely needed a break and time to refocus.

Now I must be off to studio class and then actually do some studying! (and sleep..... I get to sleep tonight..... Mmmm, that will be wonderful.)

Life can be such a pain.

Why is it that the one thing you really need to do is the one thing you want most not to do? Why is it that the more you realize the need to do that thing the more you try desperately to avoid it? It seems that for every small step towards it is matched by another step away, and I'm just not really getting anywhere. Uncertain, hesitant, increasingly frustrated and frayed. Moody and tired of wearing a mask, but the mask is my safety, I can't give it up.