My brother and various other people may think I'm crazy for it, but I truly do miss school. Yes, I mostly miss DePauw, my friends there, the professors, the community, and just the campus, but I also just miss being in school. I am so tired of being home, and I haven't even spent the entire summer here, either. I spent a week in PA for Creation Fest, spent another half a week in PA a couple months later, and am planning a visit to PA and OH in three weeks time. But still, I've been home for far too long. I really miss the freedom I have on campus. The freedom to wander whenever I get the urge, to change locations as often as I want, and socialize with whoever I want or just avoid people whenever I want. When I'm home, I'm stuck at home. I just have the one house. I live on a tiny, secluded little street, and I don't know any of my neighbors. I have spent my entire life in this house, but the only neighbors I once knew moved away years ago. The rest are mainly old retired folk. If I ever want to go anywhere else, I have to make a big ordeal of it with lots of planning, and I have to ask to use one of my parents' cars. And even then, I'd be alone. At school, I could easily walk from my duplex to the music building, or the park, the library, one of my trees, a friend's place, etc. Even if I started out alone, I could always have the guarantee of meeting some people along the way or at one of my destinations. But the biggest thing is that whenever I tired of being in one place, I could just get up and go wherever I wanted to. I so miss my night-time wandering of the campus. I miss my little study parties in the music building, I miss my late-night taco bell runs with my "little brother", I miss my girly nights at the duplex, I miss my fireside knitters, and I miss my classes.
It sounds weird, but in a way, I do actually miss homework. Yeah, it was a pain, but I always felt fulfilled when it was done, and especially when I knew it was done well. I really do enjoy learning things, and especially when it involves a passion of mine. Pretty much anything music related will get me going, and the nerdier the better. As my time at DePauw progressed, Psychology began to have a similar effect on me, and I will occasionally have minor geek-outs about psychology as well as music. I really miss feeling like I was going somewhere with my life, or at least preparing to.... Now I'm just kindof stuck, have a rather useless degree, and nothing to do. Yes, I am planning on continuing my education, and finally doing what I know I want to do with my life, and hopefully I can start that venture in the spring. But for now, I'm stuck missing everything. And missing everyone.
Though I am more introverted, and am generally uncomfortable with people, I really, truly miss all the people at DePauw. I had a lot of friends (to some degree or another) at DePauw, and I am really missing that now. All my friends from home are either still in school somewhere, graduated with a job somewhere, or married.... and I feel very much alone. I'm stuck at home with nowhere to go, and no one to talk with or go places with anyway. I don't even really have a way of meeting and hanging out with people. I'm trying to work on that, though. I've never been the kind to just go up to people, introduce myself, and engage them in conversation. It's rather inconvenient.... But all the same, I am so tired of sitting at home, or going to work all by myself. Until this point I've been working the closing shift at the Big Y bakery, which is a solo shift except on weekends, but I am now being trained to do morning work, which is with other people. But I still don't have friends or even just random people to hang out with. I'm stuck with going to work and being at home. I cannot wait to start school again.
My plan of action:
Get into grad school, and stay there as much as possible (aka, summer sessions and the like)
Learn all the things I've been wanting to
Finally start a career in the field I long to work in
Get a home of my own
And somewhere in there I will get married
Showing posts with label home. Show all posts
Showing posts with label home. Show all posts
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Monday, June 7, 2010
Climbing Trees
I climbed our old maple tree today. It was wonderful. Growing up, we all referred to that maple in our front yard as "the climbing tree". We all enjoyed clambering into it and sitting in that perfect seat, or climbing up as high as we could. We have some old pictures of various children in it, and I think we have one somewhere with Geoff, Sarah, myself, and Nathan in it somewhere. I've always loved climbing trees. I love the exhilaration and challenge of pulling myself ever higher, and I love just perching somewhere and enjoying the feeling of sitting in the tree. There aren't many trees that are good for climbing at school. There are a couple that I can find a perch in, but can't really "climb" them. One of my last nights there, I found a tree with a friend that I could actually climb up a ways before sitting. That was really fun. There was a few weeks that I didn't have the opportunity or make the time to climb up into a tree and sit. It was nice to have that one night at the very end of the semester. Now I've been home for two weeks, and I finally went up in a tree again. I don't think I've sat in our climbing tree since two summers ago, and I don't think I actually climbed higher in it at that point. It's been a while.
I spent the middle of the day working at pruning our rhododendrons, which for two of them involved a bit of climbing. Those bushes had gotten big! I didn't want to risk that rickety ladder to get at the higher branches, so as much as possible, I just reached and pulled a branch down until I could cut the tops. The middle ones were too tall for me to do that on two of the bushes, and I ended climbing up the center of the bush a ways before I could do some cutting. I got pretty dirty with showers of bark, dead bits of flower, seeds, leaves, and branches falling on my head and all down and in my shirt. When I finished my pruning, it was just such a lovely day that I didn't want to go inside yet, and as I was already quite dirty, I decided to climb the tree.
Some of our best branches are now missing cause Daddy removed them a few years back. It made me sad, but at least I could still use the rounded stumps of some of them as footholds to climb. I couldn't sit on some of the old branches anymore, but at least I could climb. I went up higher than I think I've gone before, but I could only climb and lean against various points of the trunk; there were no places to sit up there. Later on when I was back on the ground, I looked up and located a crotch that I may be able to sit in, if I can get up to it. That crotch is pretty high up, higher than I've ever gone. It might be rather dangerous to attempt to get up there. After my climbing excursion, I went back down to the original crotch of the tree to just sit. That first crotch has got to be one of the most comfortable sitting places in any tree. I will have to get a picture of it later and add it to this post.
I don't know how interested anyone will be in reading a post about a tree, but I really love trees. It's always so calming for me to be able to sit in a tree. I love nature in general, but trees hold a special place in my heart. Maybe it's because in a tree, I can hide in a sense; in a tree, I can sit back in the security of strong branches; in a tree, I can breathe in the smells of nature; in a tree, I can have color and life all around me, above and below; in a tree, I am removed from all the normalness of life and can escape the stress and pressures; in a tree, I can revert to innocent, childish days. Maybe I'm just rambling, trying to explain just why I love trees and how being in one feels to me, but I don't even really understand myself.
Anyway, I'll stop rambling now. I will get pictures of the tree (and perhaps me in it...) to put in here eventually. I will also keep you updated if I ever climb up to a higher spot to sit. (cause I know you're all so very interested...)
I spent the middle of the day working at pruning our rhododendrons, which for two of them involved a bit of climbing. Those bushes had gotten big! I didn't want to risk that rickety ladder to get at the higher branches, so as much as possible, I just reached and pulled a branch down until I could cut the tops. The middle ones were too tall for me to do that on two of the bushes, and I ended climbing up the center of the bush a ways before I could do some cutting. I got pretty dirty with showers of bark, dead bits of flower, seeds, leaves, and branches falling on my head and all down and in my shirt. When I finished my pruning, it was just such a lovely day that I didn't want to go inside yet, and as I was already quite dirty, I decided to climb the tree.
Some of our best branches are now missing cause Daddy removed them a few years back. It made me sad, but at least I could still use the rounded stumps of some of them as footholds to climb. I couldn't sit on some of the old branches anymore, but at least I could climb. I went up higher than I think I've gone before, but I could only climb and lean against various points of the trunk; there were no places to sit up there. Later on when I was back on the ground, I looked up and located a crotch that I may be able to sit in, if I can get up to it. That crotch is pretty high up, higher than I've ever gone. It might be rather dangerous to attempt to get up there. After my climbing excursion, I went back down to the original crotch of the tree to just sit. That first crotch has got to be one of the most comfortable sitting places in any tree. I will have to get a picture of it later and add it to this post.
I don't know how interested anyone will be in reading a post about a tree, but I really love trees. It's always so calming for me to be able to sit in a tree. I love nature in general, but trees hold a special place in my heart. Maybe it's because in a tree, I can hide in a sense; in a tree, I can sit back in the security of strong branches; in a tree, I can breathe in the smells of nature; in a tree, I can have color and life all around me, above and below; in a tree, I am removed from all the normalness of life and can escape the stress and pressures; in a tree, I can revert to innocent, childish days. Maybe I'm just rambling, trying to explain just why I love trees and how being in one feels to me, but I don't even really understand myself.
Anyway, I'll stop rambling now. I will get pictures of the tree (and perhaps me in it...) to put in here eventually. I will also keep you updated if I ever climb up to a higher spot to sit. (cause I know you're all so very interested...)
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Letting Go
I know it's been a long time since I've written. The last couple weeks at school were really rough, and definitely some of the most stressful weeks at school I've experienced. Finals week was a killer. Not that I had a bunch of bad finals or anything, I actually had papers instead. For me, though, I think that was worse, or at least, having that many papers was worse. I had four large papers plus another large project due finals week, and consequently wrote over 50 pages of material, plus my large project that week. It was really rough. But I finally made it through, packed everything away, and flew home.
Now that I'm home, there are things I must confront and work out. As suggested by my title, I have to do some letting go. Some things will be quite a relief to let go of, such as the tremendous pressures and stress of keeping up with my homework and maintaining good grades. Other things will be harder. At the same time that I must let go of some of my stricter lifestyles from school life, I must also let go of some of my lazier ones. There are certain attitudes I need to let go of, masks and cloaks I need to let go of, automatic reactions I need to let go of, personal desires I need to let go of, and emotions I need to let go of. Needless to say, there's a lot, and it will be hard. I get into ruts when I'm at school. Or maybe it's that I feel I can escape and hide away in various ways when I'm at school, but all that is disrupted when I go home.
I haven't spent more than a week or two at home in a very long time. (well, I guess I spent just over two weeks at home over Christmas break) The last time I spent more time than that at home was the summer between freshman and sophomore year. (that would be summer of 08. Two years ago. That's a long time. The atmosphere is different at home. Very different. I'm now used to the school atmosphere, and the atmosphere of the little town. I'm used to the people there, and the various means of escaping. There's always another room to go to, there's always another building to go to, there's always a place outside to go to, always a tree to go to, always other people to hang around with or to avoid. Here, it almost feels like I'm stuck. I love my family dearly and wouldn't really wish to be anywhere else. But, it's hard to be stuck in my little house to no place to escape to for privacy and a chance to try to work things out. I really miss just leaving my duplex at night and going across the street to the athletic park. I miss walking the labyrinth at night, and just sitting on the edge of the hill. I miss my various tree friends. I just miss the freedom, solitude, and the familiar habits I had at school. There were certain places, and even times, that became connected with thinking and wrestling through things. Now I don't have those and I don't really know what to do. It would be easier if I had my own room, but we don't have enough rooms for that, and I'm sharing with my sister.
It's just such a different atmosphere here at home. I feel almost like I end up being one person at school and another person at home, but it's not quite that bad. Maybe it's just that I can't quite fit in at school, and I also don't quite fit in back home. The mold I left can no longer hold me when I return. Part of why I don't feel like I don't really fit in anywhere is due to the various obstacles I have constructed. Emotional obstacles, habitual obstacles, and obstacles of disguise. These are part of the things I need to let go. I don't really know how to get started on everything, but I'm going to try. The sooner the better, I guess, but it's so much easier to just sit around a relax....
Now that I'm home, there are things I must confront and work out. As suggested by my title, I have to do some letting go. Some things will be quite a relief to let go of, such as the tremendous pressures and stress of keeping up with my homework and maintaining good grades. Other things will be harder. At the same time that I must let go of some of my stricter lifestyles from school life, I must also let go of some of my lazier ones. There are certain attitudes I need to let go of, masks and cloaks I need to let go of, automatic reactions I need to let go of, personal desires I need to let go of, and emotions I need to let go of. Needless to say, there's a lot, and it will be hard. I get into ruts when I'm at school. Or maybe it's that I feel I can escape and hide away in various ways when I'm at school, but all that is disrupted when I go home.
I haven't spent more than a week or two at home in a very long time. (well, I guess I spent just over two weeks at home over Christmas break) The last time I spent more time than that at home was the summer between freshman and sophomore year. (that would be summer of 08. Two years ago. That's a long time. The atmosphere is different at home. Very different. I'm now used to the school atmosphere, and the atmosphere of the little town. I'm used to the people there, and the various means of escaping. There's always another room to go to, there's always another building to go to, there's always a place outside to go to, always a tree to go to, always other people to hang around with or to avoid. Here, it almost feels like I'm stuck. I love my family dearly and wouldn't really wish to be anywhere else. But, it's hard to be stuck in my little house to no place to escape to for privacy and a chance to try to work things out. I really miss just leaving my duplex at night and going across the street to the athletic park. I miss walking the labyrinth at night, and just sitting on the edge of the hill. I miss my various tree friends. I just miss the freedom, solitude, and the familiar habits I had at school. There were certain places, and even times, that became connected with thinking and wrestling through things. Now I don't have those and I don't really know what to do. It would be easier if I had my own room, but we don't have enough rooms for that, and I'm sharing with my sister.
It's just such a different atmosphere here at home. I feel almost like I end up being one person at school and another person at home, but it's not quite that bad. Maybe it's just that I can't quite fit in at school, and I also don't quite fit in back home. The mold I left can no longer hold me when I return. Part of why I don't feel like I don't really fit in anywhere is due to the various obstacles I have constructed. Emotional obstacles, habitual obstacles, and obstacles of disguise. These are part of the things I need to let go. I don't really know how to get started on everything, but I'm going to try. The sooner the better, I guess, but it's so much easier to just sit around a relax....
Friday, November 27, 2009
Thanksgiving with the fam!
I decided to surprise my family for Thanksgiving, and I'm so very glad I did! I haven't been home for Thanksgiving in three years. Last year I went to my best friend's house for Thanksgiving, and the year before I visited with my sister at her school. But this year, one of my friends at school, whom I have known since before college days, has a car now and we decided to roadtrip all the way from Indiana back to Connecticut for break. Of course.... hehe, I decided to do so without telling my family. I've been looking forward to this since the spring, when I started planning! It was such a long trip, even though we broke it up into two days. (we left Tuesday late afternoon, went as far as Pittsburgh, where we spent the night at a friend's place, then completed the journey on Wednesday.) But going back..... ugh.... we will drive the whole way in one long haul. Sunday is going to be the longest day of my life. But, anyway, it was so worth it to surprise my family! I wish I had thought to video-tape their responses when they first saw me! Oh it was so amazing! But the time is going by so fast, which depresses me. :(
But I don't want to think about that. Instead, I shall write about the good thingss of this break.
I am home! I am with my family, got to see most of my immediate family, and visited with my childhood best friend! I ate wonderful food and have continued to eat good food since then :) I have relaxed, finished a project, played DDR, and SLEPT!
It's been just enough of a break to make me want more. Like a teaser. I only get a few days, then I have to go back..... but soon enough, I'll get a nice long Christmas break! Can't wait!!!
But ok, this is just a very random, rather disconnected post, which I shall end now.
But I don't want to think about that. Instead, I shall write about the good thingss of this break.
I am home! I am with my family, got to see most of my immediate family, and visited with my childhood best friend! I ate wonderful food and have continued to eat good food since then :) I have relaxed, finished a project, played DDR, and SLEPT!
It's been just enough of a break to make me want more. Like a teaser. I only get a few days, then I have to go back..... but soon enough, I'll get a nice long Christmas break! Can't wait!!!
But ok, this is just a very random, rather disconnected post, which I shall end now.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Home! (with a touch of sadness)
For the first time in my college career, I went home for my fall break! Or for that matter, for the first time in my college career I went home at all during fall semester! Freshman and Sophomore years (and yes, I do say FreshMAN, don't give me any of that "politically correct" crap, I don't care! Sheesh, we are mankind!) I did not go home until Christmas break. Now granted, Freshman year I visited my sister out in Chicago once during the semester and stayed with her for Thanksgiving, but still, for my very first semester at college, I did not go home. Last year I spent fall break at a friend's house and spent Thanksgiving with my best friend. This year, finally, I went home. Gosh did (do) I ever need home!
I've underestimated how much home means to me. As a freshman, I thought I was so independent, that I wanted to get away from home for a while and would be just fine without my family and everyone else. At the end of first semester, just a couple weeks before heading home, I was hit by a long put-off wave of homesickness that strangely enough hit even harder when I actually was home. It was just seeing my Daddy's huge smile at the airport, being swept up into his big, loving hug, feeling his whiskery kiss on my forehead (from his new growth of what I call his Grandpa Beard), and the way he took my hand as we walked around waiting for my luggage. Just that overwhelmed me with a sense of all that I missed. And then going home to where my siblings where, having stayed up late to see me, I couldn't believe how much I missed them even as I saw them.
Even though that showed me how much I loved and missed my family, I still viewed myself as independent. I did go home for Spring break and the summer, but did not go home at all during the following Fall Semester. That time my sister was no longer going to school the next state over so I couldn't even go visit her a couple times like I did freshman year. Staying at school that whole time was a pretty stupid decision. But then what did I do? I went home for Spring break, but then spent the entire summer at school! Dumb reasons that I regret now, but there were some good things that came out of it.
Now I have finally learned from all my mistakes. I finally realize the value of home and all that it means to me, and I finally went home for break. But now as for why there's sadness. I've realized lately that when I left home for college, I truly left home. Anytime I go back now, it's to visit. I'm not just going to college as a temporary thing, then just go back home when I've finished. At that point, I will only "visit" home again before grad school, visit home on breaks, then after I graduate from there I will need a home and a job of my own. I wish things didn't have to change like that. I just want to go home and stay home with my family. But even that changes. My two older siblings are married and out of the house now. My brother is in school and will leave the house once he graduates. My sister will graduate HS when I graduate college, and will therefore head out somewhere for school. (The youngest brother still has a ways to go.)
Life changes, and I'm not so sure I like it. But I'm going to do my best to enjoy the time I have left with my family and make the most of it.
I've underestimated how much home means to me. As a freshman, I thought I was so independent, that I wanted to get away from home for a while and would be just fine without my family and everyone else. At the end of first semester, just a couple weeks before heading home, I was hit by a long put-off wave of homesickness that strangely enough hit even harder when I actually was home. It was just seeing my Daddy's huge smile at the airport, being swept up into his big, loving hug, feeling his whiskery kiss on my forehead (from his new growth of what I call his Grandpa Beard), and the way he took my hand as we walked around waiting for my luggage. Just that overwhelmed me with a sense of all that I missed. And then going home to where my siblings where, having stayed up late to see me, I couldn't believe how much I missed them even as I saw them.
Even though that showed me how much I loved and missed my family, I still viewed myself as independent. I did go home for Spring break and the summer, but did not go home at all during the following Fall Semester. That time my sister was no longer going to school the next state over so I couldn't even go visit her a couple times like I did freshman year. Staying at school that whole time was a pretty stupid decision. But then what did I do? I went home for Spring break, but then spent the entire summer at school! Dumb reasons that I regret now, but there were some good things that came out of it.
Now I have finally learned from all my mistakes. I finally realize the value of home and all that it means to me, and I finally went home for break. But now as for why there's sadness. I've realized lately that when I left home for college, I truly left home. Anytime I go back now, it's to visit. I'm not just going to college as a temporary thing, then just go back home when I've finished. At that point, I will only "visit" home again before grad school, visit home on breaks, then after I graduate from there I will need a home and a job of my own. I wish things didn't have to change like that. I just want to go home and stay home with my family. But even that changes. My two older siblings are married and out of the house now. My brother is in school and will leave the house once he graduates. My sister will graduate HS when I graduate college, and will therefore head out somewhere for school. (The youngest brother still has a ways to go.)
Life changes, and I'm not so sure I like it. But I'm going to do my best to enjoy the time I have left with my family and make the most of it.
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