Should be studying...

Ugghh. Two finals tomorrow. It's already after 11 PM. I've been gone from my duplex since 10:30 this morning, and I've been in the music building since 2. (made a quick trip across the street to acquire food and brought it back with me.) I sat in a practice room for literally 3 hours. Not practicing, I don't need to do that. But I was using the piano to work on learning the leadline for the first movement of Beethoven's first symphony. Yeah, that's right, I have to sing the leadline to the first movement while conducting and cuing an invisible orchestra in front of my professor for my final tomorrow. So yeah, I was in the practice room working on that and marking up my score, but kept getting distracted and played the piano instead. Now I'm blogging instead of focusing on my studying. This is so frustrating. I studied my German (for my other final tomorrow) a little bit while I was at work, but not terrible much. I also studied it a little bit before I locked myself away in the practice room. But I keep ending up on the piano, or online *ahem* or writing completely unrelated stuff. But I still have some final details to add to my score analysis and need to study for German. Sad thing is, I just don't care at all right now. Rather burnt out. But I have determined to stay here until 1 (AM), then maybe study a bit more before going to bed. Then rise and shine early in the morning to refresh the German before taking the final. Blah. I also need to pack..... but I have a final on Thursday I'll need to prepare for after my two tomorrow. But I'm flying home right after my Thursday final. Too much to doooo!!!!

Ok, now that I've wasted some time on that, have to revise stuff with my score and add to it for a while (whilst waiting for midnight to arrive so that I can be the first to wish a friend happy birthday), then focus on German for an hour. Then a walk in the extreme cold back to my duplex, more studying for a little while, bed, early rise to study more, then the two finals. Whoop! Or not.....

Life can be such a pain.

Why is it that the one thing you really need to do is the one thing you want most not to do? Why is it that the more you realize the need to do that thing the more you try desperately to avoid it? It seems that for every small step towards it is matched by another step away, and I'm just not really getting anywhere. Uncertain, hesitant, increasingly frustrated and frayed. Moody and tired of wearing a mask, but the mask is my safety, I can't give it up.