There is this tree on campus, right in between one of the academic buildings and one of the fraternities, that I have been wanting to get into for a while now. It is a pretty big tree, which is part of the problem. The limbs are all quite large and pretty far apart, but they'd also be perfect for sitting on. I decided that today was the day to get into the tree. (I have tried once before, but I wasn't totally committed at the time.) This time, I was determined to get in it, no matter what. I was not going to "try", I was going to "do" it! So, changing into bum jeans and sweatshirt (for it is just about 50 degrees out there), I made my way to the tree. The lowest branch is about level with my head and about as big around as my torso. I attempted to wrap my arms around it, then my legs, so that from the position of hanging underneath it, I could potentially rotate around until I was on top of it. Ha, that didn't work. It was too big and there were no handholds I could use to pull myself around. After several failed attempts, I went around to the other side of the tree. Another large branch, about half a foot higher up than the other one, split into two segments about a foot out from the trunk of the tree. Those two sections were about as big around as my legs, or slightly smaller. Using both of them, I was able to finally pull myself up. There were some scary moments, but I had finally made it into the tree. Once on that branch, I realized that I was stuck. All the other branches were so big and far apart that I couldn't really get to them. One giant limb split out of the tree at about the same level as my branch, a little over a foot around to the right of my branch. My branch felt really exposed, and was not really a very safe perch. The other limb looked like the perfect, safe, and strong place to be. But I couldn't get to it. I had finally worked up the courage and determination to get into the tree. Through several attempts and near disasters, I had made it to the first level. But when it came time to progress further and get to the next level- one of safety and security, I couldn't do it. I couldn't work up the faith to make the dangerous leap to that place. I tried to shift my position little bit by little bit so I could try different approaches, but still couldn't do it. There was no branch above me that I could use as a handhold to pull myself to standing, and no smaller branches to the side I could use. Everything was so big and removed from me, and I was stuck, exposed, just sitting on that one limb. After sitting in disappointment for a while, I slid off my branch and walked away sadly.
My mind was called by the memory of an overlooked little tree, hiding in a corner of the rarely used courtyard outside of the music building, buried between the two Comm wings. I quickly made my way over there and decided to renew my acquaintance with the little thing, and become friends. The little evergreen was still young, but it was strong and wiry. There were plenty of handholds, and the branches were the perfect size to wrap my hand around and enabled me to pull myself up with confidence. It was a little tricky weaving my way through all the branches of the young tree, and the size of the branches diminished rapidly as I ascended, as well as becoming denser. But it was wonderful. Here was a challange I was ready for. I stopped just above the one-story roof of the music building beside me. Sitting on one branch, left leg tucked slightly behind me braced on one branch, and right leg braced on a branch directly below. My left arm hooked around the trunk of the tree and over a branch right in front of me, while my right arm draped across a branch that extended from the trunk out accross me, almost like a seat belt, only chest height. My left side was braced against the tree trunk, and the side of my face was pressed into the tree. In that position, I felt so safe, secure, and hidden away. As the tree was an evergreen, the branches were not bare, and provided a cover in the gathering darkness as I enjoyed the tree's company in solitude. It began to mist out in the world around me, but I was safe and sheltered within the covering of the tree. I began to relax and release some of the tension I had been holding onto. As I felt the tension slipping away, I began to see what was lying under the tension. And in that place, so removed from the reality of everyday life and hidden from the eyes of those who wouldn't see me anyway, I could explore where I was and dig into those things lying underneath all the tension. As such issues cannot be easily or quickly solved and cast away, I eventually had to end my reflections and leave the tree. I have only begun to wrestle with the issues I have uncovered, but at least they are no longer buried deep down and festering in the darkness.
Showing posts with label night-time. Show all posts
Showing posts with label night-time. Show all posts
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Earthworms
So I like to go across the way to this little place, never sure whether to call it an athletic trail or a park.... I think it's known as both.... but anyway, I like to go there in the evenings/at night to walk or just sit. It has such a peaceful atmosphere at night. Almost no one ever goes there at night. There were a couple evenings, before it was too late, that I saw some people jogging around the park, but not in it. There were two other evenings that a few people came to walk the labyrinth, but for the most part I'm the only one who occupies it at night. I will have to take pictures and put them up sometime.
Tonight, I actually didn't walk the labyrinth, or the paths, or the circumference of the park, like I usually do. I didn't even sit on the edge of the slight decline into the field hockey field. I actually just sat on one of the many rocks lining the paths. I spent an hour and a half just sitting there. After a few minutes of sitting, I started to sense motions in the grass in front of me. At first I thought it was just a very slight breeze, more noticeable because the grass was wet and glistening from the light rain earlier in the day. Then when I looked closer, I saw that what was actually causing the disturbance in the grass was the stirring of several earthworms, starting to poke their way out of the dirt. We had thunderstorms last night, a few few light showers today, and we're supposed to get some pretty big storms tonight.
As I sat watching the worms wiggle their way out of the dirt, I started to think about the strange concept of instinct in animals. In all the times I have been in that park I have never seen worms coming out like that, but this time was different, because this was after one rain and right before an even bigger rain. These simple insects somehow knew that rain was on its way, and they were making their way to the surface so they wouldn't suffocate in the too-saturated soil. As cool as it was to think about that, a touch of sad irony came with that. Whenever there's a big rain the sidewalks on campus are covered with worms of all sizes and it's pretty gross. The picture is quite different after the rains abate. As the sidewalks dry, the majority of the worms are stranded and begin to dry out, but by the next morning there are very few remains left. I assume the birds had a lovely little buffet in the morning. Here the worms are preparing to escape one threat on their lives, only to lose to another threat.
I personally think worms are really gross, and hate it when they get all over the sidewalks and spoil my enjoyment of the rain. (I would totally continue to walk barefoot in the rain too, if it weren't for the fact that I really really do not want to be walking on slimy worms with my bare feet.) Though I am not fond of the creatures, I did begin to feel a sympathy towards them, and even felt sorry for them and their fate. Their simple existence is limited to fertilizing the soil and providing sustenance for the birds. It almost seemed unfair to me that the worms would escape the suffocation of the wet soil only to be eaten by the birds. But then I looked at it the other way, and thought about how it benefited the birds. These thoughts on how the food chain works led to thoughts on God's design in creation. From that point, due in part to the conducive atmosphere of the park, my thoughts turned to God's design in life. The fact is that there is a Designer and a design, but it can be so hard to see both at times.
Right now I kindof feel like one of those worms. I am slowly crawling out of the safety of my habitat in anticipation of the storm that is to come. I am shivering as I lay cold, exposed, and alone, hoping that I survive the threat of a predator snatching me up.
Tonight, I actually didn't walk the labyrinth, or the paths, or the circumference of the park, like I usually do. I didn't even sit on the edge of the slight decline into the field hockey field. I actually just sat on one of the many rocks lining the paths. I spent an hour and a half just sitting there. After a few minutes of sitting, I started to sense motions in the grass in front of me. At first I thought it was just a very slight breeze, more noticeable because the grass was wet and glistening from the light rain earlier in the day. Then when I looked closer, I saw that what was actually causing the disturbance in the grass was the stirring of several earthworms, starting to poke their way out of the dirt. We had thunderstorms last night, a few few light showers today, and we're supposed to get some pretty big storms tonight.
As I sat watching the worms wiggle their way out of the dirt, I started to think about the strange concept of instinct in animals. In all the times I have been in that park I have never seen worms coming out like that, but this time was different, because this was after one rain and right before an even bigger rain. These simple insects somehow knew that rain was on its way, and they were making their way to the surface so they wouldn't suffocate in the too-saturated soil. As cool as it was to think about that, a touch of sad irony came with that. Whenever there's a big rain the sidewalks on campus are covered with worms of all sizes and it's pretty gross. The picture is quite different after the rains abate. As the sidewalks dry, the majority of the worms are stranded and begin to dry out, but by the next morning there are very few remains left. I assume the birds had a lovely little buffet in the morning. Here the worms are preparing to escape one threat on their lives, only to lose to another threat.
I personally think worms are really gross, and hate it when they get all over the sidewalks and spoil my enjoyment of the rain. (I would totally continue to walk barefoot in the rain too, if it weren't for the fact that I really really do not want to be walking on slimy worms with my bare feet.) Though I am not fond of the creatures, I did begin to feel a sympathy towards them, and even felt sorry for them and their fate. Their simple existence is limited to fertilizing the soil and providing sustenance for the birds. It almost seemed unfair to me that the worms would escape the suffocation of the wet soil only to be eaten by the birds. But then I looked at it the other way, and thought about how it benefited the birds. These thoughts on how the food chain works led to thoughts on God's design in creation. From that point, due in part to the conducive atmosphere of the park, my thoughts turned to God's design in life. The fact is that there is a Designer and a design, but it can be so hard to see both at times.
Right now I kindof feel like one of those worms. I am slowly crawling out of the safety of my habitat in anticipation of the storm that is to come. I am shivering as I lay cold, exposed, and alone, hoping that I survive the threat of a predator snatching me up.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Long Week
It's been a long week, and I have a much longer one ahead of me. I have a presentation in class on Wednesday, the materials for which I need to turn in to my prof tomorrow so she can go over them with me. (I haven't really started on all that yet.) Turns out another prof will be visiting our class that day. yay. Extra pressure. Whatever I come up with for my presentation will end up being time wasted though, since I know my prof will completely change the direction of all of it and I'll have to redo it all. (that's what she did for my earlier presentation, and what she's done for most everyone else in the class.) I also have a giant timeline due on Wednesday for which I've been gathering information most of this week and all weekend. Thursday I have a quiz in Psych, and Friday I have a big paper due for Symphonic Lit. Next week on Tuesday the rough draft for my final paper in Psych is due.... so I will have to work on that this week as well. Oy.
I'm feeling rather burnt out. I have actually been spending a lot of time this week studying and doing my homework, which is good. But the problem is that when I stay up really late working on things, especially score study to prepare for class and such, I just don't sleep well when I go to bed. I tend to have strange dreams anyway, but they seem to be getting more and more restless over the past year or so. Sometimes when the weather is nice, or if I just really need it, I'll go outside and walk around or just sit for a while. Across the way from the set of duplexes I live in is this little athletic park/trail place. I love that little area. I can't tell you how many evenings in the past couple weeks I have gone and just sat on the little slope leading into whatever field that is (field hockey maybe?), or gone and walked through the labyrinth. Actually, I've been spending a lot of time outside. I've been replacing my facebook time with being outside and actually studying more. I don't think a day has gone by in a while that I haven't spent at least half an hour just sitting by the mushroom fountain or somewhere in the athletic park. It's just so much easier to think and pray outside. I've been doing a whole lot of that lately, but I still haven't found the answers I'm looking for.
Remember that puzzle I mentioned earlier? It's hard to say sometimes (and now is one of those times), but I think I've been finding several pieces lately. (Actually, it's probably more like they've been laid out for me to find.) Sometimes I'm just not sure if what I'm finding is a piece or not, and I still don't have a clear idea of how to fit them all together. I will keep working on it all, though I may feel like despairing now and then. It's just so hard to deny oneself, and pick up that cross which must be borne daily.
I'm feeling rather burnt out. I have actually been spending a lot of time this week studying and doing my homework, which is good. But the problem is that when I stay up really late working on things, especially score study to prepare for class and such, I just don't sleep well when I go to bed. I tend to have strange dreams anyway, but they seem to be getting more and more restless over the past year or so. Sometimes when the weather is nice, or if I just really need it, I'll go outside and walk around or just sit for a while. Across the way from the set of duplexes I live in is this little athletic park/trail place. I love that little area. I can't tell you how many evenings in the past couple weeks I have gone and just sat on the little slope leading into whatever field that is (field hockey maybe?), or gone and walked through the labyrinth. Actually, I've been spending a lot of time outside. I've been replacing my facebook time with being outside and actually studying more. I don't think a day has gone by in a while that I haven't spent at least half an hour just sitting by the mushroom fountain or somewhere in the athletic park. It's just so much easier to think and pray outside. I've been doing a whole lot of that lately, but I still haven't found the answers I'm looking for.
Remember that puzzle I mentioned earlier? It's hard to say sometimes (and now is one of those times), but I think I've been finding several pieces lately. (Actually, it's probably more like they've been laid out for me to find.) Sometimes I'm just not sure if what I'm finding is a piece or not, and I still don't have a clear idea of how to fit them all together. I will keep working on it all, though I may feel like despairing now and then. It's just so hard to deny oneself, and pick up that cross which must be borne daily.
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