I miss school

My brother and various other people may think I'm crazy for it, but I truly do miss school. Yes, I mostly miss DePauw, my friends there, the professors, the community, and just the campus, but I also just miss being in school. I am so tired of being home, and I haven't even spent the entire summer here, either. I spent a week in PA for Creation Fest, spent another half a week in PA a couple months later, and am planning a visit to PA and OH in three weeks time. But still, I've been home for far too long. I really miss the freedom I have on campus. The freedom to wander whenever I get the urge, to change locations as often as I want, and socialize with whoever I want or just avoid people whenever I want. When I'm home, I'm stuck at home. I just have the one house. I live on a tiny, secluded little street, and I don't know any of my neighbors. I have spent my entire life in this house, but the only neighbors I once knew moved away years ago. The rest are mainly old retired folk. If I ever want to go anywhere else, I have to make a big ordeal of it with lots of planning, and I have to ask to use one of my parents' cars. And even then, I'd be alone. At school, I could easily walk from my duplex to the music building, or the park, the library, one of my trees, a friend's place, etc. Even if I started out alone, I could always have the guarantee of meeting some people along the way or at one of my destinations. But the biggest thing is that whenever I tired of being in one place, I could just get up and go wherever I wanted to. I so miss my night-time wandering of the campus. I miss my little study parties in the music building, I miss my late-night taco bell runs with my "little brother", I miss my girly nights at the duplex, I miss my fireside knitters, and I miss my classes.

It sounds weird, but in a way, I do actually miss homework. Yeah, it was a pain, but I always felt fulfilled when it was done, and especially when I knew it was done well. I really do enjoy learning things, and especially when it involves a passion of mine. Pretty much anything music related will get me going, and the nerdier the better. As my time at DePauw progressed, Psychology began to have a similar effect on me, and I will occasionally have minor geek-outs about psychology as well as music.  I really miss feeling like I was going somewhere with my life, or at least preparing to.... Now I'm just kindof stuck, have a rather useless degree, and nothing to do. Yes, I am planning on continuing my education, and finally doing what I know I want to do with my life, and hopefully I can start that venture in the spring. But for now, I'm stuck missing everything. And missing everyone.

Though I am more introverted, and am generally uncomfortable with people, I really, truly miss all the people at DePauw. I had a lot of friends (to some degree or another) at DePauw, and I am really missing that now. All my friends from home are either still in school somewhere, graduated with a job somewhere, or married.... and I feel very much alone. I'm stuck at home with nowhere to go, and no one to talk with or go places with anyway. I don't even really have a way of meeting and hanging out with people. I'm trying to work on that, though. I've never been the kind to just go up to people, introduce myself, and engage them in conversation. It's rather inconvenient.... But all the same, I am so tired of sitting at home, or going to work all by myself. Until this point I've been working the closing shift at the Big Y bakery, which is a solo shift except on weekends, but I am now being trained to do morning work, which is with other people. But I still don't have friends or even just random people to hang out with. I'm stuck with going to work and being at home. I cannot wait to start school again.

My plan of action:
Get into grad school, and stay there as much as possible (aka, summer sessions and the like)
Learn all the things I've been wanting to
Finally start a career in the field I long to work in
Get a home of my own
And somewhere in there I will get married

I'm a book destroyer...

Soooo, confession and judgement time. I love books. I am a voracious reader (I've read 20 books since June). An ideal day for me would consist of a comfortable perch somewhere, such as a little nook, a couch, my bed, a tree, etc., a blanket to snuggle with, some munchable chocolate, a good book, and no one to disturb me alllll day. I love to lose myself in the world of a book, and I hate leaving it for any reason. I always feel like I've left half of myself in the story, and until I get back to the book I'm stuck hanging in agonizing limbo. I am desperate to return to my book as fast as possible, and quite often stay up reading until the wee hours of the morning. And yes, I have reverted to my childhood habit of reading by the light of a flashlight so that my father, who gets up around 3 or a little later, doesn't notice that I am still up by the light under my door. (Shh! No tattling!)

I especially love reading series of books, rather than just an individual, stand-alone book. Of course there are many excellent books that are not part of any series, but I dearly love finding a good series and knowing that my world doesn't crumble around me at the end of a book, but that it continues on in the next book. Excitement thrills through me as I run to the bookshelf to grab the next book, or snatch it off the waiting pile of library books by my bed, or tear open the package from Amazon that finally appeared. When I finally reach the end of the series, or at least read the most recent book and am left waiting for the author to complete the next book, I feel so lost and confused. Like someone who has just spent the past month in a cave underground who suddenly finds themselves outside, blinking confusedly in the sunlight. Although it really is more like I somehow found a magic portal to another time in another life, in another place, where I spent years losing myself in the marvels and incredible experiences to be had there until I forgot all about my other life. Then one day, everything just ended and I found myself on the other side of a closed door, back in my ordinary room, in my ordinary house, in my ordinary life, feeling completely bereft of the wonder and freedom of that other place. Eventually, after a brief period of mourning, I console myself by finding another book to escape to.

Now beyond all this imaginative otherworldiness of books that I love so much, I really love the physical books themselves. There's something about holding a book in your hands that I just really love. It's similar to how I love physical letters. Of course, I love getting electronic messages, texts, voicemails, and the like, but I love being able to hold and treasure the physical object, lovingly written just for me. It's like a little piece of that other person, sent to me to cherish forever. In a like manner, a physical book is something I can cling to, a tangible portal to another world, a marvelous gift of a magical experience just for me. And let's face it, the covers of books can sometimes almost be the best part! But for all that, the truth is that I'm a book breaker-- a book destroyer. It is a fact that my books are well-loved. I actually prefer paperback books, not only because they are cheaper, but because I can break them. Really it's mostly for practicality and to ensure more comfort and less work on my part. If the book is broken regularly you don't have to hold it open anymore, it stays open on its own. And in the end, the book actually looks worn and traveled, and to me it looks well-loved and used. When I see and hold a book that has been broken many times, I see it as a book that has been loved and fully enjoyed, that has been devoured and experienced, that has been truly owned and used.

So should you ever borrow a book of mine, do not be surprised to find that it is worn and broken, for it has most assuredly been loved. Judge me as a book destroyer if you will, but for my part it is just a sign of my love for that book.

Nightly Images

In the still of the night
With the moon shining bright
Idle thoughts fill my head
As I stray from my bed
Hear the wind sing to me
Soft and sweet as can be
Soothing my restless mind
With its melody kind
Bringing gently to view
Only pictures of you
And inside them I seem
Lost in this sleepless dream
Let me dream freely on
Happy I'd be til dawn

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This is a very old poem I found while cleaning and moving rooms this week. I found an old journal spanning from my senior year in high school to halfway through my freshman year in college. On the last page of the book I found this poem. I had forgotten all about it. I don't know when I wrote it, but it's not terrible.... so I decided to put it here for memory's sake.