Letting Go

I know it's been a long time since I've written. The last couple weeks at school were really rough, and definitely some of the most stressful weeks at school I've experienced. Finals week was a killer. Not that I had a bunch of bad finals or anything, I actually had papers instead. For me, though, I think that was worse, or at least, having that many papers was worse. I had four large papers plus another large project due finals week, and consequently wrote over 50 pages of material, plus my large project that week. It was really rough. But I finally made it through, packed everything away, and flew home.

Now that I'm home, there are things I must confront and work out. As suggested by my title, I have to do some letting go. Some things will be quite a relief to let go of, such as the tremendous pressures and stress of keeping up with my homework and maintaining good grades. Other things will be harder. At the same time that I must let go of some of my stricter lifestyles from school life, I must also let go of some of my lazier ones. There are certain attitudes I need to let go of, masks and cloaks I need to let go of, automatic reactions I need to let go of, personal desires I need to let go of, and emotions I need to let go of. Needless to say, there's a lot, and it will be hard. I get into ruts when I'm at school. Or maybe it's that I feel I can escape and hide away in various ways when I'm at school, but all that is disrupted when I go home.

I haven't spent more than a week or two at home in a very long time. (well, I guess I spent just over two weeks at home over Christmas break) The last time I spent more time than that at home was the summer between freshman and sophomore year. (that would be summer of 08. Two years ago. That's a long time. The atmosphere is different at home. Very different. I'm now used to the school atmosphere, and the atmosphere of the little town. I'm used to the people there, and the various means of escaping. There's always another room to go to, there's always another building to go to, there's always a place outside to go to, always a tree to go to, always other people to hang around with or to avoid. Here, it almost feels like I'm stuck. I love my family dearly and wouldn't really wish to be anywhere else. But, it's hard to be stuck in my little house to no place to escape to for privacy and a chance to try to work things out. I really miss just leaving my duplex at night and going across the street to the athletic park. I miss walking the labyrinth at night, and just sitting on the edge of the hill. I miss my various tree friends. I just miss the freedom, solitude, and the familiar habits I had at school. There were certain places, and even times, that became connected with thinking and wrestling through things. Now I don't have those and I don't really know what to do. It would be easier if I had my own room, but we don't have enough rooms for that, and I'm sharing with my sister.

It's just such a different atmosphere here at home. I feel almost like I end up being one person at school and another person at home, but it's not quite that bad. Maybe it's just that I can't quite fit in at school, and I also don't quite fit in back home. The mold I left can no longer hold me when I return. Part of why I don't feel like I don't really fit in anywhere is due to the various obstacles I have constructed. Emotional obstacles, habitual obstacles, and obstacles of disguise. These are part of the things I need to let go. I don't really know how to get started on everything, but I'm going to try. The sooner the better, I guess, but it's so much easier to just sit around a relax....